You are a beautiful person!
Embrace your uniqueness and soar!
You are a beautiful person!
Embrace your uniqueness and soar!
This Sunday is the day set aside to celebrate mothers.
I’m seeing lots of commercials, shows, gift and card ideas for that special mother. While I do agree that honoring a mother is a grand thing to do, I want to speak to those who may not have a kind and healthy mother.
You see, I can relate to that indiviual.
My mother was abusive and anything but kind. For many years of my adult life I did what I thought others wanted me to do: Make the best out of a bad situation. Or, forgive and forget. Or stop replaying all the old hurts and just be nice. Or why can’t you just forgive her and be the good daughter?
Here’s a picture of my mom and I when I was around nine or ten years old.
I was a cute kid!
I’ve had people most of my life telling me things like, “Oh, you’re supposed to love your mother”; or, “after all, she’s your mother, she birthed you so the least you could do is take care of her”; or, “Well, maybe she was abused in her childhood, you don’t know, show some respect” and lots more!
That’s totally messed up!
I can’t find anywhere in my Bible telling me I must remain in an abusive relationship!
We can read several scriptures in the Word of how we’re to ‘honor our parents so our days will be long upon the earth’.
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, honor is to regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect : to regard or treat with honor. b : to give special recognition to : to confer honor on. 2a : to live up to or fulfill the terms of honor a commitment. It says nothing about remaining in an abusive relationship!
Even trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings on this topic is challenging.
And I do believe I honored my mother as best I could even though we had a very hard relationship. I can now better understand that she was just mirroring what she saw her own mother do. After talking with mom about whether or not she knew I was being abused as a child, she confessed, “Of course I knew! It happened to me! Why shouldn’t it happen to you too? You’re no better than I am!”
I’m so thankful I’ve gained much needed healing in this area. I still don’t have all the answers but the pain isn’t as bad as it has been either. My beloved understands that on this day I’ll probably wanta go hang out in nature, or spend the day with him alone…if our son and his family were near it’d be with them…but no, I just don’t make a big deal out of Mother’s Day.
For many, most I hope, Mother’s Day is a day to honor your mother. For me and others like me, not so much!
I’d never wish harm to my mother but I sure have wished she’d been a lot nicer and healthier.
On the very day she died the Hospice nurse came to me and asked, “Did you know your mother had been diagnosed with at least 12 different personalities?”
Well, no I sure didn’t but that explained so very much.
I did know she’d experienced a lot of child abuse herself. Two of her abusers were also my own, her mother and a brother! She was walking out learned behavior. She choose to repeat a pattern which can be unlearned and replaced with healthy behavior but she didn’t choose to walk that path. I choose to break that pattern!
Some years back I offered to help her find a good therapist to help her overcome so much pain and loss but she refused saying, “I’m just fine. It’s everyone else that has a problem.” Well, no, not so much!
So, on Mother’s Day I will be thankful for my son who made me a mother! I am very proud of him! He made me a mom!
I will also mourn the two babies I was not allowed to give birth to, Mary Grace and James Andrew, as they were ripped from my body at my mother’s insistence.
And I will be grateful for another year to celebrate the fact that with all I went through, I remain fairly healthy and sane. Well that last part could be debatable at times! lol
I will also celebrate another wonderful year with my beloved who makes me feel like a princess! I am deeply loved, well cared for and spoiled by my love!
If I were to give any words of comfort to any one hurting today because of an unhealthy mother it would be to forgive, simply forgive.
Nope! Not at all but oh, so necessary!
For that person?
For you and your family!
I used to believe that if I forgave those who’d hurt me that meant they were getting away with the wrongs they’d done scot free! I was wrong! Forgiving him or her for the terrible things they’d done to me was for me! Holding a grudge and wishing them bad was like me drinking poison, hoping they’d be sick or die. Silly right?
Forgiveness was for my freedom!
Jesus died on the cross for my freedom.
God says He will gain vengeance so I don’t have to worry about it.
I’m realizing I’m pretty stinkin’ alright! Others may not think so but that’s no big deal! Jesus does! My beloved does! That’s pretty amazing to me!
Today if your mother hurt you in anyway I am praying for you! I know it’s hard to let go of all those memories but I encourage you to do so. At least begin the process by opening up your hands so you’re not gripping the memories so tightly. Allow yourself to breath deeply knowing you are a good person! And remember, you are not your mother! Nor are you the abuse that was heaped on you!
You are a beautiful individual.
If this day is challenging I urge you to do something fun just for you. Let this day be for your healing and hope in a better tomorrow. It is possible!
Until next time, I bless you!
Sometimes writing a particular book can be very challenging as it was with this one! Over the years whenever I’d teach or speak I rarely, if ever, shared about this traumatic event in my life.
Because it was far too personal and deeply painful.
You see, talking about the destruction of two of my babies just about ripped my heart right out of my chest. But as time marched on, as is written about in Ecclesiastes 3, I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there who needed to hear my story of hope. And my beloved husband was loving and encouraging me to put my story down on paper to share with the world at large. And so this book was birthed!
‘Finding Hope After Abortion: Honoring Mary Grace and James Andrew’ does just that. Published this year by Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting Company, my story is out there for all to read. And, yes, I’ve already received some hateful comments; however, I’ve also read some similar heart wrenching stories!
I wrote this book first to share God’s amazing power of forgiveness. I learned that I can and need to forgive others for all the pain that was heaped on me and, I learned that it’s just as necessary to learn to forgive myself. Forgiveness was hard! I didn’t wanta forgive anyone. In the beginning of that healing process, I believed if I forgave my mother and the doctor for the active role they both played in aborting my precious children it would excuse their actions. That was a lie.
I was a young teen girl when this happened in my life. I was deeply wounded and hurt. Carrying all that pain around for many years caused a lot of physical and emotional damage. Forgiving them actually removed the power of those memories and enabled me to heal and grow as Jesus meant for me to do. He died on the cross so I can learn the power of forgiveness.
Now, forgiving me was another story. I have done so but I simply can not forget the fact that I do not, will not ever, have two little ones who were growing safely within my womb! Today, my babies would be in their mid-forty’s.
If you or someone you know has experienced an abortion I encourage you to find hope within the written pages of this book. You do not need to suffer alone.
If desired, anyone can obtain forgiveness.
Here’s what I did: I prayed asking Jesus to ‘forgive me for my part in the destruction of my babies. Forgive me and remove all the pain forever more. Help me to learn to love myself and others as I need to so I can grow.’
It was an ongoing process for me. Still is at times but I’m growing and it’s gonna be okay.
Do you believe you have overcome the pain of an abortion?
What steps have you taken to forgive others and yourself for this act?
As always, I’d love to hear from you.
Blessings to you!
Happy Monday to ya!
I pray this day is already kicking it for you!
Here, where I live, it’s raining. Messed up my yard/gardening plans but there’s always more work to be done so I will be busy today.
One of my goals for today is to edit at least 3 chapters in my soon to be released book, ‘House Full of Secrets’ Spreading Hope in Truth’. My goal is to release this 4th book I’ve written which is my 2nd nonfiction book by the end of May of this year. I’ve realized if I don’t give myself a deadline date then who knows when I’ll finish.
Yesterday my beloved and I worked out in the yard. He is a huge help around here. I truly don’t know what I’d do without him. Actually I never really wanta find out! He is a humongous blessing and I love him beyond words!
I’ve been battling a kidney issue which really stinks cuz it slows me down. Maybe I need to slow down and just breathe….I dunno! So am taking my cranberry pills and drinking extra water. Also being kinder with myself today. We all need to do that, right?
So, how’s your Monday rolling along?
I do pray it’s manageable but if not, then that you will gain fresh wisdom on what you may need to adjust and feel Abba’s sweet peace.
I bless you this day!
Just a simple shout out to each of you!
You are beautiful!!!
What makes you feel beautiful?
A new dress? Well, maybe pants for the guys?
A fresh salon appointment?
Time spent in nature?
Praying and meditating?
What makes you feel beautiful?
Often when I’m in a serious house cleaning mood I’ll throw on some ole time rock n roll.
Bob Seger hit the floor this morning while I’ve been attackin’ the house. Soon I find myself getting unusually emotional.
Humm….’well, that’s strange, I thought!
During a short break, I begin to examine these emotions which are accompanied with free flowing tears.
I’ve listened to an hour or more of great music yet, here I sit…weeping, pondering my teenage years.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks!!
I am sitting here mourning those years when I was a teenage girl!
Oh, they were not all bad. Actually, I had a lot of good memories!
But the bad, oh they were really bad!
I needed something to numb the ever searing pain inside my soul. So, I’d been introduced to huffing lighter fluid by a girlfriend when I was nine years old. That lead to smoking pot at 13 then I found the brown bottle at 15! Wow…that really helped!
Mom worked for a guy cleaning his house. He was a single dad. Good looking and kept a well stocked bar. Somehow it evolved to the point of my having his permission to enjoy anything on the bar I wanted. My mother never said a word against that!
I recall she’d often tell me, “Oh I’d rather you sow your wild oats now than later!”
Where was the parental protection!
Oh, that right! There was none!
I had been raped at 15. She and the doctor felt it was in my best interest to have an abortion.
She’d borrowed the money from someone then drove me to the office to take care of it.
I don’t make the connection until many years later.
I often go with her when she’d clean house, especially after finding out I could partake of all that liquor! I soon become aware of this man. He’d give me lingering hugs which I enjoyed.
I hadn’t grown up with a dad so at first I’m thinking that he’s just taking a fatherly interest in me. After all, he does have a young daughter!
But then the hugs turn into him stroking my arm or pulling me into his lap at various times.
I remember one specific time. He was resting in his leather recliner in the living room and I happened to walk by him. He reached out and yanked me down in his lap. For whatever reason it was just the two of us. I don’t remember why we were alone. He lifted my chin and kissed me.
Now in my head, I’m freaking!
Why’d he do that?
While sitting on his lap I become very aware of his intentions by the physical response in his jeans.
That was the first time we end up in bed. A sick abusive relationship that lasted several years. I was barely 16 and he was 34!!!
I thought it was love! It was abuse!!
Months later I worked up enough courage to ask him why me.
He said, “I knew you’d had an abortion and didn’t want you to be turned off by sex. Besides, I knew you weren’t a virgin any longer. Plus your mom owned me money for your procedure!”
I was devastated!
Also, during my teen years I was sexually active. Actually, I don’t remember a time in my life where that wasn’t a frequent act. I always thought I was born to give men and women sexual pleasure! Or at least, that’s what I was taught!
So, here I am today…..weeping listening to some really good music. When it begins to dawn on me, oh wow…I’m mourning the loss of my teen years. I allow the emotions to flow!
I am mourning the loss of two years in a sick, twisted relationship I should have never been put in!
Wow…bless my little girl’s heart!
But I survived!
Was it easy!?
Do I still struggle?
I wonder what kinda free spirit I’d of been back then?
I recently released my first non-fiction, Finding Hope After Abortion. In it I offer hope and healing for anyone who’s experienced one. No judgement. Just hope!
What that man and my mom did to me was horrible wrong!
My mom died in 2019. Before passing, she did apologize to me for all the bad things she’d done to me. That helped the healing process.
However, today I am remembering that young teen girl. She was a fighter! She was a survivor! She was determined!
And today, I am all those: a fighter, a survivor and ever so determined!
My book is available on Amazon or you can reach out to Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting company at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.
This isn’t an easy subject to talk about. Neither is any form of abuse. However, we need to be talking about it. We need to be talking about how to heal from any of it, all of it!
Today, I am learning to be me!
No, not the ‘me’ others tried to force me to become!
The real authentic me!
And I really like what I’m beginning to see!
I pray the same for you this day!
What a lovely Friday we’re having where I’m at!
Sun is brightly shinning and reflecting off the snow covered grass.
I do hope you’re having a wonderful day.
I wanted to pop by and share with you my latest book, Finding Hope After Abortion.
I gotta tell ya, this was the hardest book I’ve written to date. It’s nonfiction based on a true story…mine! I was 15 and 17 when my mother forced me to have two abortions. But you can read about it in the book.
I do believe anytime we chose to allow our self become real and transparent it’s hard work. There’s always that possibility someone might come back on us with accusations. Even so, I knew it was time in my life to make that leap and get real.
So…here it is!
We have the E-book available on Amazon Kindle for $9.99. The paperback will be out soon for $10.50.
No one should have to suffer alone!
If you need to tell your story I am here to listen!
Feel to email me at: email@example.com or drop a line on here.
You can jump over to our YouTube channel, Broken Pieces No More Inc for some encouraging words.
You are a beautiful soul no matter what! Period!!
I am a #voiceforthevoiceless until all have their voice!
It’s a new day to a new week. Actually it’s the last week of this month.
So how are you doing now that we’ve stepped into 2021?
How’s your stress level?
Are you finding time to unwind and destress?
You don’t need to carry stress with you.
What’s some of your favorite ways to do so?
I know I’m still in the grieving process of my dad’s death! I do miss him so!
Over the weekend, my beloved was working on a project so I took some valuable ‘me’ time. I grabbed a book and crawled back in bed and read till I fell asleep. What a sweet treat as I rarely do that.
The room was dim with only the light from my bedside table to chase away the darkness. It was quiet with an occasional barking dog. We have one dog who barks at falling leaves or snow. She’s so silly but I do love her!
I am taking much needed time during this grieving season to visit some of those boxes and totes I have stored in the basement of my mind. Not that I really want to mind you. But rather out of sheer necessity! You see, I’ve gathered some unhealthy beliefs and thoughts and patterns along my 60 year path that I’m beginning to realize needs to go!
I’d thought to have a yard sale to get rid of those unwanted items but if I don’t need them nor want them why in the world would I try to pawn em off on someone else!!
So, no! It’s time to have a great big ole bon-fire!
It’s time to burn out the lies that the enemy has fed me all the days of my life! It’s time for newness to spring forth! It’s time for fresh energy to be released! It’s time!
I’m choosing on purpose to change my stinkin’ thinkin’ to that of healthy thoughts. I’m learning how to love me wildly!!
You can too!
I encourage you to make time to search around in those hidden places of your mind. Sort through those stored boxes and such that have collected dust and cobwebs all these years. Ask Poppa God to help you know which to keep and which to burn up!
He so longs to help you with that decision. All you need do is whisper His name and ask! He’s right there ready to help you in whatever situation you may find yourself in!
I pray blessings over you this day my friend!
Oh, we’re soon going to be doing a teaching series. I’ll post nuggets and updates here then you can jump over to our ministry YouTube channel at Broken Pieces No More Inc to learn more.
I’m also going to be doing a book giveaway soon. So stay tuned for those details.
We’d love to hear from you!
You can drop a line here or email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Have a wonderful day!
Sex Is NOT a Commodity
I woke early this morning from a God dream! In this dream I heard a resounding declaration from Poppa God that rang throughout the mountain tops and echoed down into the valleys. To me, it felt like a Clarion Call! In this Call I sensed a righteous indignation! A call that says, “Enough!”
A call that says, “Sex is NOT a commodity!”
What is a commodity?
From what I’ve read, a commodity is a material or product that can be bought and sold; it has a useful or valuable value.
What do you value?
Can you trade that item for something else of value?
Then it’s a commodity!
So back to this dream…..
We, my husband and I, lived in a modest home on top of a mountain. It appeared like a giant had taken a knife and carved out a large flat cove on the mountain side. Then just down below was another shelf like area where several other houses were located.
In the beginning of this dream there was a loud ruckus down at the lower houses. I insisted my husband go down there to find out what was going on. I’m not sure he felt the need, but he did so anyway.
It felt like he was gone for a long time. I had grown very worried. I got my shotgun out making sure it was loaded and went in search of him.
The scene jumps and I find myself standing in front of him in an aggressive like stance of protecting him. There were other men sitting in front of the old house looking very menacing.
The scene jumps again to where I see myself like in an outta body experience. I’m out looking back at me standing there with my shotgun.
Now I’m standing beside this young man with long blond hair, normal looking young man yet something is very different about him.
I turn and realize he’s speaking to me.
He tells me to look closer and not just with my natural eyes but to turn my spiritual senses on.
I did and I gasp!
I am able to discern young girls all under the age of 12 inside the rundown house where the men are sitting outside guarding it. I focus on each one of the girls and see the dirt on their faces, their tattered dresses so very thin and worn. I see bruises on some of their wrists and ankles. Bruises and cuts on some of the faces. I see open sores over their bodies.
I finally dare to look into their eyes and flinch. I am afraid I’ll drown as I see those individual varied colored eyes of hopeless pools.
Somehow, I can sense their weakness. Their fear. Their shame. And I want to turn away.
I hear or sense a slight shifting and turn to look over in the corner and there sits an older woman. Just sitting there watching this room full of little girl-children. And she knows. She knows what happens to these girls all through out the day and night. And she does nothing!
The scene jumps again and I’m back inside our home up on the mountain side. For whatever reason I can’t get a cell phone signal to call the police nor can I get on my laptop to signal for help.
I look out the side window and there is that young blond headed man again. I feel fearful of him but know I need to go hear what he has to say.
He tells me, “There is One you need to communicate with who can help you with this burden. You were not designed to carry the weight of this burden on your shoulders alone. There is One who has a plan in place for the enemy to be defeated. Trust on and rely on Him alone to achieve this.”
I then understood why my cell phone, nor my laptop would work.
So, I began to pray! I fell on my knees, weeping and I cried out to God!
I cried out to God!
I cried out to God on behalf of every single one of those young girls who were being held captive against their will and being horrifically abused!
I cried out to God for justice to be served to every man and woman who had dared to abuse these precious young children, both boys and girls alike!
I cried out to God to grant me strength to continue to be a voice for each child who was being abused and violated who had no voice to call for help!
I cried out to God to raise others up who will join forces with us to be that voice!
I cried out to God to not allow me to forget how I felt when I too was being abused, violated by numerous men and women!
I cried out to God for strength to be able to do what He’s called me to do!
Then the dream shifted again.
This time my husband and I were standing together on the mountain top. I look around us and see thousands upon thousands of warriors standing with us weapons drawn for battle! They were marching in step and the sound was thunderous as it reverberated down through the mountain into the valleys and echoed along the hills and hollers.
I stood there frightened at the fierceness of the moment for I knew that a harsh sentencing was about to be issued forth.
Then I hear this loud voice as a sound of many trumpets blaring all at once that seemed to stretch far and wide in the universe onward forever more never ceasing but onward moving.
“You who have dared harm a hair on one of my little children’s head will feel My wrath and My fury!”
I trembled with the anticipation of being told to attack with all those warriors gathered around us. I so wanted to go forward and chop off the heads of those men and women who had dared to inflict the least bit of pain to one of those defenseless children, boy or girl. Yet, I knew I was being held back.
In the dream I was suddenly reminded of my precious husband’s words telling me, “Vengeance is mine says the Lord!”
Suddenly I notice that young blond headed man, now mounted on a tall white horse! He is holding a staff aloft. We who are gathered there on that mountain top, are held back in anticipated excitement for the moment he waves that staff the battle will be on, and we will march all across this land bringing justice to every man and woman who has dared to harm a precious little one!
Justice is coming!
I hear those words!
Justice is coming!
Justice is coming swiftly!
Justice is coming harshly!
There are those men and women right now who believe they have gotten away with their sick and twisted acts, but they are being fooled by the evil one; they are lulled into a false sense of safety and security.
There are those men and women who are consumed by the evil one in their sick and twisted desires.
They believe that there are those with money and prestige who will protect them and save them from a lasting prison sentence, but I tell you, their day is coming. Their day is coming much sooner than they ever expected.
Justice will reveal each and everyone of you who have dared to defile a precious child!
There is still time to fall on your knees and repent, turn from your wicked deeds. But if you chose not to repent you will reap God’s severe and swift judgement!
It has been written and spoken of for a millennial of time, “Justice is mine, I will repay”. And “in harming one of my precious little ones, better a millstone be hung around your neck and you cast to the bottom of the sea!”
There are pedophiles, child abusers, all across this community, this state, this nation and around the world! They know of each other. They have a form of communicating with each other and they trade their children! These evil men and woman are your doctors, your lawyers, your judges, your coaches, your mothers and fathers and more. These evil people are not dressed where they will stand out but rather, they blend in with whosoever. It is our responsibility to identify and report each and every one of them so that judgement is swift and sure!
Again, God’s judgment will be swift and generous to any who have dared harm and abuse one of His precious children! You have been warned. Turn from your evil ways today!
There are men and women all across this world who are using children as a sex-commodity daily! Our precious children are being traded for sex daily and yes, even hourly!
May God have mercy on your soul!
I sense the Earth is vibrating with the expectation of the unleashing of God’s judgement! It is in His timing! Not mine!
And at the same time, I also sense god’s loving kindness towards those who will follow hard after Him. It is His desire to draw us closer; to love and guide us; to shield and protect us. However, in order for Him to do so we must repent for every deed that has hurt His heart and ask for the precious blood of Jesus to cover our sins!
God has not given us a spirit of fear! Fear is not of God. It comes from the devil. Fear has been unleashed in a manner never before seen upon this Earth. One of fear’s purposes is to render us paralyzed from doing that which God’s called us to do. If he can keep us at home trembling and afraid then he is winning!
We who are in Christ Jesus are new Creations in Him and we do not walk-in fear! We go after hell! When we rise up, we should make all of hell tremble for we know who has won! If we have read the end of the book, The Holy Bible, and we should for it is our instruction book, then we know God wins and we’re His kids!
The devil is afraid that you will one day, and hopefully that’ll be sooner rather than later, realize just how much power and authority you have been given by and through the blood of Jesus. That is one reason the devil shoots out his fear demons at you trying to cause you to forget Whose kid you are.
The time is NOW to rise up! Accept the calling God has placed on you and step into His armor and walk towards your destiny!
Earth is NOT your home. You are in a foreign land, a missionary, an ambassador here on assignment! Your mission is to go after hell and take back what the enemy has stolen!
There are boys and girls, men and women, who are waiting for someone to step into their situation bringing the freedom and power of Jesus Christ!
Encourage one another in the faith of Almighty God! Do not leave your fellow warriors wounded and stranded on the battlefield but rather, seek them out and draw them to safety. Care for their wounds and walk along side them until they are strong enough to once step into battle!
There is a mighty army standing at the ready, anticipating the exact moment when that staff will rise and lower signaling for the bringing of swift judgment from the Father!
It is not too late!
For those of you who desire to be a voice for our children, I encourage you to contact us!
We at Broken Pieces No More Inc raise awareness of child abuse, domestic violence and human trafficking all of which are very real in our world.
God never intended for sex with anyone, no matter the age, to be a commodity!
God created and designed sex to be a beautiful experience between a husband and a wife of a coming together as one!
It is the devil who has been attacking our families since Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden! If we chose on purpose to do nothing but stand on the sidelines and watch as the devil destroys our family unit then we are just as guilty! We all have a voice! If we are not yet where we can utilize our voice, then we can partner with ministries who are speaking out! You can partner with us or another like minded ministry to rise up and stand for our families!
Justice is coming!
And Sex is Not a Commodity!
I am praying for you today!
If you would like to learn how to overcome this evilness feel free to reach out.
If you know of a child or children who are in need of rescuing, please reach out to your local police or you may contact us.
Or follow us on social media.
Broken Pieces No More Inc
May God have mercy on us all!
Today is Christmas Eve.
Today where I live we’re supposed to receive snow. I enjoy a good snow. However, today it is grey and overcast. Sad looking!
I am making myself rest making no major decisions. My whole being is tired and drained.
I find myself traveling from one point to the other in our home. From organizing in my office to decluttering the kitchen and living room to putting laundry away.
I am so very thankful my beloved husband is home on vacation. It is so safe feeling having him here.
My grief is still fresh and real and palpating throughout my being.
I miss my daddy!
This next Tuesday we’ll lay him in his final resting place. I’d so hoped to have the Honor Guard attending but no, these lockdowns won’t allow that!
I’ve been reading a book pertaining to grieving for ones parent. I’m not sure if I’m on track or not. I do have several close friends I check in with who keep me on track.
Time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. I chose to repeatedly take my pain to Jesus. He understands very well!
I greatly miss our son and his family. They live 700 miles away so we wont spend Christmas together this year! Hurts my heart!
This Christmas I chose to be kind to me. My beloved and I are talking and watching movies. Right now we’re watching The Lord of the Rings movies. We’re making plans and goals for 2021 with our publishing company as well as our ministry. Plans are good.
I chose on purpose to focus on the positive.
3 Points of Positives
1. God is my Poppa; Jesus is my Lord and Holy Spirit is my Comforter
2. This is only a season. It did not come to stay. I will adjust my sails and move forward!
3. Self care is vital. Much like when an oxygen mask falls in a descending airplane, we individually must practice self care to be able to care for others.
I pray your Christmas Eve is a Happy and contended one.
I pray you have much peace!
Trigger warning: mentions father raping daughter
My daddy passed away the first of December this year. He’d been sick for several weeks and had ended up in the ICU. However, he overcame the virus and sent back to the nursing home where he lived. We were so grateful and excited that he was improving and getting back into a healthy routine. We were looking forward to visits and making good memories. Then one day, the workers found him gone, passed away, dead!
Not my dad!
He just survived this stupid virus! He’s gonna be okay!
No, he’s gone!
My mom passed away in September 2019. I did not experience these sharp knife-like pains in my being when she died. I strongly believe both of my parents are now in Heaven with Jesus, yet that hasn’t stopped my soul’s deep mourning!
I haven’t been able to find an answer to this soul-searing pain I now feel. In the beginning, upon hearing of his death I thought I was being cut from within the pain was so sharp. At least now, that deep pain has subsided to a lesser feeling and not as harsh. Still, I miss my daddy!
It’s so ironic; we didn’t have that good of a relationship in my beginning. He and my mom divorced when I was very young. I have only a few smatterings of memories of him from my childhood. When I was 19, a dear friend of mine had died in a car wreck, so I suddenly felt compelled to get to know my dad. My mom had always discouraged me from doing so, telling me he’d only hurt me. I had to find out for myself. I called my dad, who was driving a truck at that time cross country.
We agreed he’d stop in town and pick me up for a week of being with him in the truck, plus I’d get to see a lot of the country I’d never seen. About halfway through our trip out west one morning early, after I’d climbed in the sleeper falling into a deep sleep, I was awakened suddenly to someone pulling my jeans off. I’d taken allergy medicine before going to sleep and was so groggy. I just lay there trying to understand what was going on as my father raped me.
I made it back home safely but spent the next 30 days in deep worry over whether I was pregnant. Thankfully, I wasn’t!
Fast forward many years. I’d been going to counseling. I was attending a life-giving church, so I understood the principle written in the Word on the power of forgiveness. I learned when we chose (and it’s a choice) not to forgive but rather hold onto that pain, it’s in essence like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. How silly is that!
When I finally learned that truth, I began asking God to ‘give me the want to’ to forgive my father because I certainly didn’t want to, even though I knew I needed to. It took time, which seems to be my norm. Oh, I know God does miracles and can zap whatever situation it may be. For me, it seems I gotta walk through the process of it all! No instant healings, yet.
Fast-forwarding, even more, my sister reached out to me and said she’d found our dad. Later I reached out to him, which began a much-needed healing journey for us both. In one of our first conversations, he shared how deeply sorry he was for hurting me and asked me if I could ever forgive him. Wow….my answer was a resounding ‘yes’! Thus, we began our journey.
Now I’m not only connected with my dad but with two of my sisters. It seems my path has never been in a straight line but rather a jumbled-up mess of stops and starts. But the important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward!
At some point, for some reason I now don’t remember, he and I stopped communicating. It was a few years later that, once again, we were reconnected. And all was well. He was so accepting, and we continued to have healing in our relationship. That was such a good thing.
So now, up to this life-changing event: The death of my daddy.
As I’d been planning out his funeral where I would speak, I wanted to highlight some of the good things that occurred after our first time of reconnecting and continuing onward. Maybe three months or so ago, while at church one Sunday morning during praise and worship, we began singing a song.
That sounds so deeply familiar!
I see the words on the screen and hear them in my ears.
I know those words!
I’ve heard those words!
And then it hit me! Just before daddy and I would end a conversation, he’d say, ‘daughter’ in a rather gruff voice.
“Yes, daddy.” I’d respond.
He’d then begin saying these words, which at first [posted at the bottom], I thought was an Irish saying because we have an Irish heritage. But no, I was wrong!!
What my father had chosen to speak over me was a priestly blessing right out of God’s Holy Word in Numbers 6:24-26! He spoke this blessing over me almost every time we were on the phone together. What a miracle! What a transformation! What a most profound way to erase all those years of hurt and pain and instead, to soothe those broken places with Poppa God’s healing balm! Wow….
Only recently have I grown to appreciate what Poppa God did for me through my daddy! I was finally able to hear him speak lovingly and kindly to me, which was a soothing and healing balm to my tired and wounded soul!
Three things I’m doing to soothe the hurt of losing my daddy:
Until we learn that it’s perfectly okay to feel the emotions, we truly will not be able to heal all those nooks and crannies way down on the inside. Now, I’m not going to stay there in the sorrow and waller in it! I feel it to heal it and move forward.
2. Feel it to heal it and write it out
I receive healing when I’m able to sit down and write out what I’m feeling. And I do it ole-school with a pen and paper. For me, there’s just something therapeutic when I hold my pen and write in cursive across a blank sheet of paper in my journal. I hear and see my movements and know I can release those pains and receive healing!
Believe me, there are many negative memories about my daddy yet, I chose to focus on the positive ones that bring a smile to my face. Oh, I could focus on the negative, but that’s a choice. I have control over that. Focusing on the negative is like taking poison, hoping the other person will die. It’s just silly and pointless. I chose life!
I miss you daddy!!
My prayer is that you will gain more peace and understanding this Christmas season. Make time to reflect and renew in Him. I simply can not imagine how my life would be if I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus!
Be kind to yourself during this season. Right now, many all around us, maybe even our self, struggle with all the new craziness! We are being told we can’t do this, or we must do that! I see fear all around me. Again, this is also a choice! I will NOT walk-in fear! Love overcomes fear!
Each of us must make a healthy choice! Not just for ourselves but for those around us.
I pray you will begin afresh today, making healthy choices for yourself because you are so worth it!!
Massive blessings for you!
New International Version
24 “The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you;
26 the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”