You are a beautiful person!
Embrace your uniqueness and soar!
You are a beautiful person!
Embrace your uniqueness and soar!
Do these two really go together?
I don’t know the answer to that but I suspect they do!
At least they do for me, here, tonight as I sit at my desk staring out into the darkness just on the other side of my window.
I find myself wondering if there’s anyone out there somewhere watching me! Lordy I surely hope not! No alarms are going off so I’m safe…for now!
My beloved is still at work though he will soon be home. Oh how I dearly miss him! And I so dislike him working this second shift but we know it’s only for a season. However, I pray I can maintain for the season no matter how long. I am very grateful for him and wonderfully blessed he is my husband!
This other season….this season of anger and despair and grief that seems as if it’s suffocating my very being….I do not like this season at all!
Anger so white hot it seems as if it would sizzle my flesh right off my bones!
Anger that causes me to want to crumple up those who have hurt me into a small little ball of nothingness and throw them so very far away!
What is anger?
It is an emotion that can produce a flight or fight feeling. It can bring on fear or depression. It can make you feel as if you’re going outta your mind.
Anger is a valid emotion.
Anger can also mask underlying emotions!
You can do some research on it.
For me, I know my anger is a mask of deeper emotions.
Emotions that have been swimming to the surface of my soul for years.
Why haven’t I felt them before now?
Well, I probably have though not to this degree!
You see as I’m now safely with my beloved, I am able to begin the process of really beginning to feel that horrific rejection and woundings from my childhood. Those things happened when my mother and grandmother and others viciously abused me.
I’m grateful for the forgiving process for I do believe I have begun that long ago and will continue.
Now, I need to focus on healing the little girl within!
I need to listen to her silent screams that are erupting from my soul!
I need to give her the attention she deserves as we work together to heal all those deep, burning wounds from long ago.
I need to acknowledge that what happened to her really happened to me.
Healing sucks and is very messy but oh, so necessary if one is hoping to live a healthy life. And I do!
So I will feel it to heal it no matter what!
I lived through the hell of it all and I will live through the recovery of me, the true me, the authentic me!!
I will grieve for the lost little me!
I will heal.
I will journal.
I will go hang out in nature.
I will let myself cry.
I will talk with my counselor.
I will heal because I am worth it!
I pray you too will find whatever healing you are needing. The effort is worth it!
I do not like grief!
There…I said it!
My mom passed in September 2019 and my daddy died in December 2020.
My sweet mother in law, who is more of a momma to me, is in her end of life phase. Of course we never know when that final day will be..yet…we must grieve!
I have had to acknowledge I am not in a good place right now! I know it’s a part of life but still…I don’t like being here. Nevertheless, here I am and there I shall go and in the going I will gain healing and His peace!
I’ve realized over the past few weeks as we are preparing for the home going of my mother in law, I haven’t really allowed myself to grieve the loss of both my parents. Wow…the onslaught of emotions is huge!
How do you deal with grief?
My old way, which was to pretty much avoid the subject all together, hasn’t worked out too good yet!
Matter of fact, I will be seeing a grief counselor beginning next week for a season.
I encourage anyone in need to see professional help with any mental health issue.
Given the day we now live in with fear being spewed forth on all fronts, we are on overload! We hear fear based noise all day long…if we have the medium going. I chose to turn mine off!!
You do have that choice! Although many would like us to think we don’t!
Yes we do!
Yes you do!
Yes I do!
I want to make healthy choices for my life! As I’m walking through this season of grief I must make sure to destress often or I’ll be on grief overload which is not good for anyone!
Hanging out in nature helps me with destressing a lot!
Writing in my journal helps too. I dump feelings, emotions, thoughts no matter what. It helps me to get ’em all out so hopefully I’ll not pick ’em up again. Sometimes I do though then need to do the dumping all over again! Practice!
I encourage you to be active in processing your grief or even fear! Both can play havoc with our being. Make sure to take time for you because you are so worth it!
Until next time….blessings!
I heard her whisper.
A low, soft whisper.
Barely able to make out the words.
But it was her’s. They were her’s.
I wasn’t able to make out her words but they were there.
They’d now been released upon the gentle breeze that drifted around me, sensual, sure and steady. I knew that once released, they would never be drawn back in but rather carried on the fragile wings of the wind.
What are they?
Who owns them?
Is the owner the one who chooses to speak them out loud to be lifted on a gentle breeze?
Or is the owner the one who welcomes those words within the depths of their ears?
Yet her words grabbed my soul with a two fisted grip. They quickly laid claim to my inner being. My marrow tingled at their newness.
Her words smelt like lilacs newly bloomed out with a faint sheen of freshly fallen dew. They embraced my being like warm honeysuckle wrapping around a partially fallen fence post.
Truth filled, sorrowful, inspiring words.
I hear her words.
“It’s nearing the time.”
They beckon my soul.
Words have meaning and these words are intense.
I’ve recently begun to hear her words more frequently, calling to me.
She’s been whispering to me for some time but sadly I haven’t been listening until of late.
Where will the lead me?
Where will they direct?
I so yearn to know more of her words!
Her words will release the prisoner that I am!
Yes! I am listening!
I am pleased and excited to announce that my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption, is now available in paperback and kindle. Any of my books may be purchased through Amazon.
This was a very hard book to write as I shared a great deal of my own personal story. And in it I share parts of my soul with you. Parts of my soul I’d never want anyone to see; yet, I truly believe that I need to share my truth in order that others may know the freedom and hope I now experience.
I shared secrets.
My book shares secrets. Deep, dark, evil ones!
Those secrets I’d been forced to keep as a child ‘or else‘.
Secrets I am finally finding my voice to speak out!
Proverbs 31:8-9 tells us to speak out for those who do not yet have their own voice with which to speak.
I am choosing to lend my voice to any one who needs it!
I speak about all forms of child abuse: neglect….my emotional and mental needs were neglected as well as often times I went hungry although we had plenty of food.
Physical abuse where I was hit either with switches until my little legs were bleeding or beaten with a belt, of course, where no bruises would show.
Verbal abuse was a constant of hearing what a horrible person I was, that I wasn’t ever wanted and how my mother so wished I’d of been a boy or never even born, called all sorts of vile named and more!
Sexual abuse has always been a part of who I am. Or rather who I was!
My mother and grandmother trafficked me out to men in the community to ‘help pay the monthly light bill’. This went on until I was eleven. It ended when I put a shotgun to my grandmother’s forehead threatening to shoot her if anyone ever touched me again!
The sexual and physical abuse stopped but the verbal/mental abuse grew even worse!
Now I have way more peace and hope than ever before in my life. I know Whose I am and I also know I’m okay!
I have gained a tremendous amount of healing for which I’m eternally thankful.
Life is so good!!
I have risen up out of the ashes more incredible than ever before.
I long to see others who are walking wounded gain their own personal healing and freedom.
This is a new and exciting time in my life. One where I am stepping out of my comfort zone doing things I’ve often dreamed about. Like speaking to anyone who’ll give a listen. Traveling and sharing my story so others can step into his or her own freedom!
This is a brand new path. I hope I’ll see you along the way.
I am available for speaking opportunities.
I have one local at a Celebrate Recovery spot at Faith. Hope. Love. Church of God in Somerset. Then I will be speaking in Winchester, Ohio at Daystar Christian Center on August 15th. And on October 9 and 10th I’ll be speaking at Lake Road Baptist Church in Morrow, Ohio.
I am available for conferences, workshops, clubs, schools, churches, organizations, etc. Wherever there is a need to help others share their secrets! I will be your voice!
What secrets have you been holding?
I’d love to hear from you.
You can let me know here or email me at email@example.com.
No one deserves to carry a burden of guilt and shame from being forced to keeping secrets!
There is freedom!!
I’m happier and more content now than I’ve ever been in my life!
Life is indeed good!!
Blessings to you this day!
Today…right now…the rain is beating furiously against the sides of the house…pelting the windows as if somehow trying to break inside. I know it can’t yet for some reason the sheet force of the rain compels my thoughts to a land far away.
I can almost see through the mist that rises with the down-falling rain a white washed cottage with a brown thatched roof. I can barely make out a bit of smoke that exits out the wet chimney top. There too the wind is whooping up a gale.
Moving about the cottage I find my fingers gliding ever so gently over the surface of the wooden counter top feeling the various indentions from many years of use.
The large family table has welcomed many around its expanse during times of leanness and feast.
I quickly turn when I hear the popping of a steady flaming fire in the large fireplace. Its warmth coaxes me to approach with hands outstretched in anticipation of its offering of warmth.
I glance at my surroundings then noticing a side table beside a comfortable stuffed chair. There on the table is a fresh pot of tea with warm biscuits, a small jar of honey, a bowl of fresh butter and a jar of homemade jam waiting for me to enjoy.
I realize how famished I am. I sit in the chair quietly remove my boots and hear an unexpected breath of air escape my lungs. I did not realize I’d been holding my breath.
Pouring a cup of tea in the brown earthen mug I add a bit of honey. Leaning back against the soft firmness of the chair I again exhale a long breath.
How I came to be here I am not sure.
I turn slightly to my right noticing through the clouded window that darkness has now surely settled over the little cottage.
I look around finding no sign of a clock so I can not know for sure what time it really is. I somehow sense that I had at one time a device that would tell time as well as used for communicate but my mind seems a bit muddled for I cannot recall what it’s called, nor where it’s at now.
I move in the chair as I slather a still warm biscuit with butter and fresh jam. Slowly savoring the flavors in my mouth I almost giggle when I hear my tummy rumble. Goodness I’m not even sure when I last ate.
After enjoying several biscuits I refill my mug with the delightful tea. I must find out what it’s made from for the taste is heavenly. Watching the flickering of the leaping flames brings on a cozy safe feeling.
For the first time I allow myself to absorb my surroundings. There is an old world feel in this little cottage. I notice numerous handcrafted throws over the sofa and some stacked in a large basket. Their colors are stunning.
There is a large set of old shelves backed up along the wall on my left. I see many bottles of all sizes with various colors gazing back at me. Dried herbs hang from the exposed rafters.
I am amazed that I have stumbled upon this quaint cottage. I feel very peaceful here and strangely, a deep belonging.
Suddenly I must find a bathroom and pray I don’t have to go outside for the storm coming in off the sea has grown even more fierce.
No. I find a lovely bathroom complete with a huge clawfoot tub just under a large window with lace curtains shielding me from the outside.
I wash my hands and spy a long door suddenly curious at what it may be hiding. Slowly opening it as if I might get in trouble for snooping, I gasp at what I find within.
There inside are the softest towels I’ve ever felt. I spy various jars of creams and such. Delicate items I could enjoy right after a long soak in the tub.
And hanging on the back of the old wooden white door is a lovely soft robe waiting to glide on over my body.
I turn and spot a walk in shower and know exactly what I need to do. Lightening flashes bright across the darkened sky for a brief moment lighting up the outer world around me. But it is too brief for me to be able to make any images out through the lace.
Stopping and leaving my clothes in a puddle on the grey tile floor I step into the shower letting the hot water beat the tension from my shoulders.
After toweling off, I search for just the right scented lotion and body powder to use then slide into the warm welcoming robe.
The shower has warmed me up so I decide to go exploring. I step into a small but efficient room and gasp at the wall hugging shelves filled with so many books. In front of a window is a writing desk complete with a new laptop and printer. I notice all my favorite colored highlighters and sticky note paper. Oh my!
I save the bedroom for last. I am not sure at all what may be behind the old wooden door. I push it open ever so slowly hearing the soft grown from the old hinges.
I am not disappointed. A rather large bed sits directly across from a fireplace. A fire has been lit and is casting a soft glow about the room. I am beyond pleased that I will be sleeping in this room. Colors that greet my eyes are soothing to my tired and wounded soul.
I suddenly realize how very drained I am. I make my way over to the bed and gently pull back the light blue down comforter. I slowly remove the robe and lay down. I allow myself a long sigh as the coolness of the sheets greets my warm skin.
In no time at all I am asleep. Blessed sleep. Healing sleep.
Strangely I fo not sense the shadows that have moved closer to the cottage.
For now I sleep.
This Sunday is the day set aside to celebrate mothers.
I’m seeing lots of commercials, shows, gift and card ideas for that special mother. While I do agree that honoring a mother is a grand thing to do, I want to speak to those who may not have a kind and healthy mother.
You see, I can relate to that indiviual.
My mother was abusive and anything but kind. For many years of my adult life I did what I thought others wanted me to do: Make the best out of a bad situation. Or, forgive and forget. Or stop replaying all the old hurts and just be nice. Or why can’t you just forgive her and be the good daughter?
Here’s a picture of my mom and I when I was around nine or ten years old.
I was a cute kid!
I’ve had people most of my life telling me things like, “Oh, you’re supposed to love your mother”; or, “after all, she’s your mother, she birthed you so the least you could do is take care of her”; or, “Well, maybe she was abused in her childhood, you don’t know, show some respect” and lots more!
That’s totally messed up!
I can’t find anywhere in my Bible telling me I must remain in an abusive relationship!
We can read several scriptures in the Word of how we’re to ‘honor our parents so our days will be long upon the earth’.
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, honor is to regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect : to regard or treat with honor. b : to give special recognition to : to confer honor on. 2a : to live up to or fulfill the terms of honor a commitment. It says nothing about remaining in an abusive relationship!
Even trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings on this topic is challenging.
And I do believe I honored my mother as best I could even though we had a very hard relationship. I can now better understand that she was just mirroring what she saw her own mother do. After talking with mom about whether or not she knew I was being abused as a child, she confessed, “Of course I knew! It happened to me! Why shouldn’t it happen to you too? You’re no better than I am!”
I’m so thankful I’ve gained much needed healing in this area. I still don’t have all the answers but the pain isn’t as bad as it has been either. My beloved understands that on this day I’ll probably wanta go hang out in nature, or spend the day with him alone…if our son and his family were near it’d be with them…but no, I just don’t make a big deal out of Mother’s Day.
For many, most I hope, Mother’s Day is a day to honor your mother. For me and others like me, not so much!
I’d never wish harm to my mother but I sure have wished she’d been a lot nicer and healthier.
On the very day she died the Hospice nurse came to me and asked, “Did you know your mother had been diagnosed with at least 12 different personalities?”
Well, no I sure didn’t but that explained so very much.
I did know she’d experienced a lot of child abuse herself. Two of her abusers were also my own, her mother and a brother! She was walking out learned behavior. She choose to repeat a pattern which can be unlearned and replaced with healthy behavior but she didn’t choose to walk that path. I choose to break that pattern!
Some years back I offered to help her find a good therapist to help her overcome so much pain and loss but she refused saying, “I’m just fine. It’s everyone else that has a problem.” Well, no, not so much!
So, on Mother’s Day I will be thankful for my son who made me a mother! I am very proud of him! He made me a mom!
I will also mourn the two babies I was not allowed to give birth to, Mary Grace and James Andrew, as they were ripped from my body at my mother’s insistence.
And I will be grateful for another year to celebrate the fact that with all I went through, I remain fairly healthy and sane. Well that last part could be debatable at times! lol
I will also celebrate another wonderful year with my beloved who makes me feel like a princess! I am deeply loved, well cared for and spoiled by my love!
If I were to give any words of comfort to any one hurting today because of an unhealthy mother it would be to forgive, simply forgive.
Nope! Not at all but oh, so necessary!
For that person?
For you and your family!
I used to believe that if I forgave those who’d hurt me that meant they were getting away with the wrongs they’d done scot free! I was wrong! Forgiving him or her for the terrible things they’d done to me was for me! Holding a grudge and wishing them bad was like me drinking poison, hoping they’d be sick or die. Silly right?
Forgiveness was for my freedom!
Jesus died on the cross for my freedom.
God says He will gain vengeance so I don’t have to worry about it.
I’m realizing I’m pretty stinkin’ alright! Others may not think so but that’s no big deal! Jesus does! My beloved does! That’s pretty amazing to me!
Today if your mother hurt you in anyway I am praying for you! I know it’s hard to let go of all those memories but I encourage you to do so. At least begin the process by opening up your hands so you’re not gripping the memories so tightly. Allow yourself to breath deeply knowing you are a good person! And remember, you are not your mother! Nor are you the abuse that was heaped on you!
You are a beautiful individual.
If this day is challenging I urge you to do something fun just for you. Let this day be for your healing and hope in a better tomorrow. It is possible!
Until next time, I bless you!
Sometimes writing a particular book can be very challenging as it was with this one! Over the years whenever I’d teach or speak I rarely, if ever, shared about this traumatic event in my life.
Because it was far too personal and deeply painful.
You see, talking about the destruction of two of my babies just about ripped my heart right out of my chest. But as time marched on, as is written about in Ecclesiastes 3, I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there who needed to hear my story of hope. And my beloved husband was loving and encouraging me to put my story down on paper to share with the world at large. And so this book was birthed!
‘Finding Hope After Abortion: Honoring Mary Grace and James Andrew’ does just that. Published this year by Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting Company, my story is out there for all to read. And, yes, I’ve already received some hateful comments; however, I’ve also read some similar heart wrenching stories!
I wrote this book first to share God’s amazing power of forgiveness. I learned that I can and need to forgive others for all the pain that was heaped on me and, I learned that it’s just as necessary to learn to forgive myself. Forgiveness was hard! I didn’t wanta forgive anyone. In the beginning of that healing process, I believed if I forgave my mother and the doctor for the active role they both played in aborting my precious children it would excuse their actions. That was a lie.
I was a young teen girl when this happened in my life. I was deeply wounded and hurt. Carrying all that pain around for many years caused a lot of physical and emotional damage. Forgiving them actually removed the power of those memories and enabled me to heal and grow as Jesus meant for me to do. He died on the cross so I can learn the power of forgiveness.
Now, forgiving me was another story. I have done so but I simply can not forget the fact that I do not, will not ever, have two little ones who were growing safely within my womb! Today, my babies would be in their mid-forty’s.
If you or someone you know has experienced an abortion I encourage you to find hope within the written pages of this book. You do not need to suffer alone.
If desired, anyone can obtain forgiveness.
Here’s what I did: I prayed asking Jesus to ‘forgive me for my part in the destruction of my babies. Forgive me and remove all the pain forever more. Help me to learn to love myself and others as I need to so I can grow.’
It was an ongoing process for me. Still is at times but I’m growing and it’s gonna be okay.
Do you believe you have overcome the pain of an abortion?
What steps have you taken to forgive others and yourself for this act?
As always, I’d love to hear from you.
Blessings to you!
Happy Monday to ya!
I pray this day is already kicking it for you!
Here, where I live, it’s raining. Messed up my yard/gardening plans but there’s always more work to be done so I will be busy today.
One of my goals for today is to edit at least 3 chapters in my soon to be released book, ‘House Full of Secrets’ Spreading Hope in Truth’. My goal is to release this 4th book I’ve written which is my 2nd nonfiction book by the end of May of this year. I’ve realized if I don’t give myself a deadline date then who knows when I’ll finish.
Yesterday my beloved and I worked out in the yard. He is a huge help around here. I truly don’t know what I’d do without him. Actually I never really wanta find out! He is a humongous blessing and I love him beyond words!
I’ve been battling a kidney issue which really stinks cuz it slows me down. Maybe I need to slow down and just breathe….I dunno! So am taking my cranberry pills and drinking extra water. Also being kinder with myself today. We all need to do that, right?
So, how’s your Monday rolling along?
I do pray it’s manageable but if not, then that you will gain fresh wisdom on what you may need to adjust and feel Abba’s sweet peace.
I bless you this day!
Just a simple shout out to each of you!
You are beautiful!!!
What makes you feel beautiful?
A new dress? Well, maybe pants for the guys?
A fresh salon appointment?
Time spent in nature?
Praying and meditating?
What makes you feel beautiful?
Often when I’m in a serious house cleaning mood I’ll throw on some ole time rock n roll.
Bob Seger hit the floor this morning while I’ve been attackin’ the house. Soon I find myself getting unusually emotional.
Humm….’well, that’s strange, I thought!
During a short break, I begin to examine these emotions which are accompanied with free flowing tears.
I’ve listened to an hour or more of great music yet, here I sit…weeping, pondering my teenage years.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks!!
I am sitting here mourning those years when I was a teenage girl!
Oh, they were not all bad. Actually, I had a lot of good memories!
But the bad, oh they were really bad!
I needed something to numb the ever searing pain inside my soul. So, I’d been introduced to huffing lighter fluid by a girlfriend when I was nine years old. That lead to smoking pot at 13 then I found the brown bottle at 15! Wow…that really helped!
Mom worked for a guy cleaning his house. He was a single dad. Good looking and kept a well stocked bar. Somehow it evolved to the point of my having his permission to enjoy anything on the bar I wanted. My mother never said a word against that!
I recall she’d often tell me, “Oh I’d rather you sow your wild oats now than later!”
Where was the parental protection!
Oh, that right! There was none!
I had been raped at 15. She and the doctor felt it was in my best interest to have an abortion.
She’d borrowed the money from someone then drove me to the office to take care of it.
I don’t make the connection until many years later.
I often go with her when she’d clean house, especially after finding out I could partake of all that liquor! I soon become aware of this man. He’d give me lingering hugs which I enjoyed.
I hadn’t grown up with a dad so at first I’m thinking that he’s just taking a fatherly interest in me. After all, he does have a young daughter!
But then the hugs turn into him stroking my arm or pulling me into his lap at various times.
I remember one specific time. He was resting in his leather recliner in the living room and I happened to walk by him. He reached out and yanked me down in his lap. For whatever reason it was just the two of us. I don’t remember why we were alone. He lifted my chin and kissed me.
Now in my head, I’m freaking!
Why’d he do that?
While sitting on his lap I become very aware of his intentions by the physical response in his jeans.
That was the first time we end up in bed. A sick abusive relationship that lasted several years. I was barely 16 and he was 34!!!
I thought it was love! It was abuse!!
Months later I worked up enough courage to ask him why me.
He said, “I knew you’d had an abortion and didn’t want you to be turned off by sex. Besides, I knew you weren’t a virgin any longer. Plus your mom owned me money for your procedure!”
I was devastated!
Also, during my teen years I was sexually active. Actually, I don’t remember a time in my life where that wasn’t a frequent act. I always thought I was born to give men and women sexual pleasure! Or at least, that’s what I was taught!
So, here I am today…..weeping listening to some really good music. When it begins to dawn on me, oh wow…I’m mourning the loss of my teen years. I allow the emotions to flow!
I am mourning the loss of two years in a sick, twisted relationship I should have never been put in!
Wow…bless my little girl’s heart!
But I survived!
Was it easy!?
Do I still struggle?
I wonder what kinda free spirit I’d of been back then?
I recently released my first non-fiction, Finding Hope After Abortion. In it I offer hope and healing for anyone who’s experienced one. No judgement. Just hope!
What that man and my mom did to me was horrible wrong!
My mom died in 2019. Before passing, she did apologize to me for all the bad things she’d done to me. That helped the healing process.
However, today I am remembering that young teen girl. She was a fighter! She was a survivor! She was determined!
And today, I am all those: a fighter, a survivor and ever so determined!
My book is available on Amazon or you can reach out to Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting company at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.
This isn’t an easy subject to talk about. Neither is any form of abuse. However, we need to be talking about it. We need to be talking about how to heal from any of it, all of it!
Today, I am learning to be me!
No, not the ‘me’ others tried to force me to become!
The real authentic me!
And I really like what I’m beginning to see!
I pray the same for you this day!