Often when I’m in a serious house-cleaning mood, I’ll throw on some ole time rock n roll.
Bob Seger hit the floor this morning while I’ve been attackin’ the house. Soon I find myself getting unusually emotional.
Humm….’well, that’s strange, I thought!
During a short break, I begin to examine these emotions, which are accompanied with free-flowing tears.
I’ve listened to an hour or more of great music, yet, here I sit…weeping, pondering my teenage years.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks!!
I am sitting here mourning those years when I was a teenage girl!
Oh, they were not all bad. Actually, I had a lot of good memories!
But the bad, oh they were really bad!
I needed something to numb the ever-searing pain inside my soul. So, I’d been introduced to huffing lighter fluid by a girlfriend when I was nine years old. That led to smoking pot at 13 then I found the brown bottle at 15! Wow…that really helped!
Mom worked for a guy cleaning his house. He was a single dad. Good looking and kept a well-stocked bar. Somehow it evolved to the point of my having his permission to enjoy anything on the bar I wanted. My mother never said a word against that!
I recall she’d often tell me, “Oh, I’d rather you sow your wild oats now than later!”
Where was the parental protection!
Oh, that’s right! There was none!
I had been raped at 15. She and the doctor felt it was in my best interest to have an abortion.
She’d borrowed the money from someone, then drove me to the office to take care of it.
I didn’t make the connection until many years later.
I often go with her when she’d clean house, especially after finding out I could partake of all that liquor! I soon become aware of this man. He’d give me lingering hugs which I enjoyed.
I hadn’t grown up with a dad, so at first, I’m thinking that he’s just taking a fatherly interest in me. After all, he does have a daughter younger than me!
But soon, the hugs turn into him stroking my arm or pulling me into his lap at various times.
I remember one specific time. He was resting in his leather recliner in the living room, and I happened to walk by him. He reached out and yanked me down in his lap. For whatever reason, it was just the two of us. I don’t remember why we were alone. He lifted my chin and kissed me.
Now in my head, I’m freaking out!
Why’d he do that?
While sitting on his lap, I become very aware of his intentions by the physical response in his jeans.
That was the first time we end up in bed. A sick, abusive relationship that lasted several years. I was barely 16, and he was 34!!!
I thought it was love!
I thought he’d want to marry me!
I thought he really cared for me as a person!
It was abuse!!
Months later, I worked up enough courage to ask him why me.
He said, “I knew you’d had an abortion and didn’t want you to be turned off by sex. Besides, I knew you weren’t a virgin any longer. Plus, your mom owed me money for your procedure!”
I was devastated!
I thought he loved me!
No! I was only a piece of young girl flesh of pleasure for him.
I was given to him by my mother to repay a debt I did not owe!
I am so humiliated and deeply wounded!
During my teen years, I was sexually active. Actually, I don’t remember a time in my life when that wasn’t a frequent act. I always thought I was born to give men and women sexual pleasure! Or at least, that’s what I was taught!
So, here I am today…..weeping, listening to some really good music. When it begins to dawn on me, oh wow…I’m mourning the loss of my teen years. I allow the emotions to flow!
I am mourning the loss of two years in a sick, twisted relationship I should have never been put in!
Wow…bless my little girl’s heart!
But I survived!
Was it easy!?
Do I still struggle?
I wonder what kinda free spirit I’d of been back then if there’d never been any abuse?
I recently released my first non-fiction, Finding Hope After Abortion. In it, I offer hope and healing for anyone who’s experienced one. No judgment. Just hope!
What that man and my mom did to me was horribly wrong!
My mom died in 2019. Before passing, she did apologize to me for all the bad things she’d done to me. That helped the healing process.
However, today I am remembering that young teen girl. She was a fighter! She was a survivor! She was determined!
And today, I am all those: a fighter, a survivor, and ever so determined!
My book is available on Amazon, or you can reach out to Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting company at firstname.lastname@example.org for more information.
This isn’t an easy subject to talk about. Neither is any form of abuse. However, we need to be talking about it. We need to be talking about how to heal from any of it, all of it!
Today, I am learning to be me!
No, not the ‘me’ others tried to force me to become!
The real authentic me!
And I really like what I’m beginning to see!
I pray the same for you this day!