Abusive Mothers and Mother’s Day

This Sunday is the day set aside to celebrate mothers.

I’m seeing lots of commercials, shows, gift and card ideas for that special mother. While I do agree that honoring a mother is a grand thing to do, I want to speak to those who may not have a kind and healthy mother.

You see, I can relate to that indiviual.

My mother was abusive and anything but kind. For many years of my adult life I did what I thought others wanted me to do: Make the best out of a bad situation. Or, forgive and forget. Or stop replaying all the old hurts and just be nice. Or why can’t you just forgive her and be the good daughter?

Here’s a picture of my mom and I when I was around nine or ten years old.

I was a cute kid!

I’ve had people most of my life telling me things like, “Oh, you’re supposed to love your mother”; or, “after all, she’s your mother, she birthed you so the least you could do is take care of her”; or, “Well, maybe she was abused in her childhood, you don’t know, show some respect” and lots more!

That’s totally messed up!

I can’t find anywhere in my Bible telling me I must remain in an abusive relationship!

We can read several scriptures in the Word of how we’re to ‘honor our parents so our days will be long upon the earth’.

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, honor is to regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect : to regard or treat with honor. b : to give special recognition to : to confer honor on. 2a : to live up to or fulfill the terms of honor a commitment. It says nothing about remaining in an abusive relationship!

Even trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings on this topic is challenging.

And I do believe I honored my mother as best I could even though we had a very hard relationship. I can now better understand that she was just mirroring what she saw her own mother do. After talking with mom about whether or not she knew I was being abused as a child, she confessed, “Of course I knew! It happened to me! Why shouldn’t it happen to you too? You’re no better than I am!”

Wow….alrighty then!

I’m so thankful I’ve gained much needed healing in this area. I still don’t have all the answers but the pain isn’t as bad as it has been either. My beloved understands that on this day I’ll probably wanta go hang out in nature, or spend the day with him alone…if our son and his family were near it’d be with them…but no, I just don’t make a big deal out of Mother’s Day.

For many, most I hope, Mother’s Day is a day to honor your mother. For me and others like me, not so much!

I’d never wish harm to my mother but I sure have wished she’d been a lot nicer and healthier.

On the very day she died the Hospice nurse came to me and asked, “Did you know your mother had been diagnosed with at least 12 different personalities?”

Well, no I sure didn’t but that explained so very much.

I did know she’d experienced a lot of child abuse herself. Two of her abusers were also my own, her mother and a brother! She was walking out learned behavior. She choose to repeat a pattern which can be unlearned and replaced with healthy behavior but she didn’t choose to walk that path. I choose to break that pattern!

Some years back I offered to help her find a good therapist to help her overcome so much pain and loss but she refused saying, “I’m just fine. It’s everyone else that has a problem.” Well, no, not so much!

So, on Mother’s Day I will be thankful for my son who made me a mother! I am very proud of him! He made me a mom!

I will also mourn the two babies I was not allowed to give birth to, Mary Grace and James Andrew, as they were ripped from my body at my mother’s insistence.

And I will be grateful for another year to celebrate the fact that with all I went through, I remain fairly healthy and sane. Well that last part could be debatable at times! lol

I will also celebrate another wonderful year with my beloved who makes me feel like a princess! I am deeply loved, well cared for and spoiled by my love!

If I were to give any words of comfort to any one hurting today because of an unhealthy mother it would be to forgive, simply forgive.

Easy?

Nope! Not at all but oh, so necessary!

For that person?

Nope!

For you and your family!

I used to believe that if I forgave those who’d hurt me that meant they were getting away with the wrongs they’d done scot free! I was wrong! Forgiving him or her for the terrible things they’d done to me was for me! Holding a grudge and wishing them bad was like me drinking poison, hoping they’d be sick or die. Silly right?

Forgiveness was for my freedom!

Jesus died on the cross for my freedom.

God says He will gain vengeance so I don’t have to worry about it.

Forgive others!

Forgive yourself!

I’m realizing I’m pretty stinkin’ alright! Others may not think so but that’s no big deal! Jesus does! My beloved does! That’s pretty amazing to me!

Today if your mother hurt you in anyway I am praying for you! I know it’s hard to let go of all those memories but I encourage you to do so. At least begin the process by opening up your hands so you’re not gripping the memories so tightly. Allow yourself to breath deeply knowing you are a good person! And remember, you are not your mother! Nor are you the abuse that was heaped on you!

You are a beautiful individual.

If this day is challenging I urge you to do something fun just for you. Let this day be for your healing and hope in a better tomorrow. It is possible!

Until next time, I bless you!