Do these two really go together?
I don’t know the answer to that but I suspect they do!
At least they do for me, here, tonight as I sit at my desk staring out into the darkness just on the other side of my window.
I find myself wondering if there’s anyone out there somewhere watching me! Lordy I surely hope not! No alarms are going off so I’m safe…for now!
My beloved is still at work though he will soon be home. Oh how I dearly miss him! And I so dislike him working this second shift but we know it’s only for a season. However, I pray I can maintain for the season no matter how long. I am very grateful for him and wonderfully blessed he is my husband!
This other season….this season of anger and despair and grief that seems as if it’s suffocating my very being….I do not like this season at all!
Anger so white hot it seems as if it would sizzle my flesh right off my bones!
Anger that causes me to want to crumple up those who have hurt me into a small little ball of nothingness and throw them so very far away!
What is anger?
It is an emotion that can produce a flight or fight feeling. It can bring on fear or depression. It can make you feel as if you’re going outta your mind.
Anger is a valid emotion.
Anger can also mask underlying emotions!
You can do some research on it.
For me, I know my anger is a mask of deeper emotions.
Emotions that have been swimming to the surface of my soul for years.
Why haven’t I felt them before now?
Well, I probably have though not to this degree!
You see as I’m now safely with my beloved, I am able to begin the process of really beginning to feel that horrific rejection and woundings from my childhood. Those things happened when my mother and grandmother and others viciously abused me.
I’m grateful for the forgiving process for I do believe I have begun that long ago and will continue.
Now, I need to focus on healing the little girl within!
I need to listen to her silent screams that are erupting from my soul!
I need to give her the attention she deserves as we work together to heal all those deep, burning wounds from long ago.
I need to acknowledge that what happened to her really happened to me.
Healing sucks and is very messy but oh, so necessary if one is hoping to live a healthy life. And I do!
So I will feel it to heal it no matter what!
I lived through the hell of it all and I will live through the recovery of me, the true me, the authentic me!!
I will grieve for the lost little me!
I will heal.
I will journal.
I will go hang out in nature.
I will let myself cry.
I will talk with my counselor.
I will heal because I am worth it!
I pray you too will find whatever healing you are needing. The effort is worth it!