This year for the first time in my life I have no desire whatsoever to move forward into the joyous season. I’d just rather skip right over all the silly season and wake up on December 26th, thank you very much!!
I’ve been visiting with a grief counselor who has helped somewhat. Although, honestly I believe one thing that will help is simply time.
Today I’m missing my sweet mother-in-law. We did not have the typical mother-daughter-in-law relationship. Ours was very special and unique!
It was more mother-daughter!
Right now where I live the leaves are falling from the trees. Actually, there’s a blanket of fallen leaves laying over our yard. Mom didn’t like to let leaves pile up. She was always concerned someone would come around and flip a cigarette out and start a fire. Even in her last days, she’d go outside and rake leaves all the while, needing her walker to help her walk. She’d worked hard all her life and did so as she was able to right up to the end. I admired her so very much!
I always called her ‘mom’. She passed away this past August!
I miss her fiercely! As I know my sweet beloved and his brother do as well!
I’ve realized the family dynamics change greatly when the previous generation is gone. Dad, my husband’s father, passed away in 2016.
I don’t know how to do this grief stuff!
According to a quick search on the internet, grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.
I acknowledge that I’m in a deep season of grieving. I lost my mother in September 2019. I was with her when she exhaled her last breath. My dad passed in December 2020. I couldn’t be with him as the nursing home refused me to be with him! That still hurts deeply!
And now my precious mother-in-law!
Grief isn’t just about the passing of loved ones.
During the past few months, I’ve come to realize I’m not only grieving the loss of parents and sweet in-laws, but I’m also grieving the loss of my innocence. Having gone through horrific child abuse I learned early in life to pretend all was well and to stuff my true emotions way down deep on the inside of my soul. Well, that’s not healthy!
I believe I’ve been dealing with a lot of physical issues due to ignoring this pain within my soul!
How to deal with the grieving process (Grabbed this off the internet)
- Acknowledge your pain.
- Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
- Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
- Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
- Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically
The pain isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, right after mom passed. I watched her exhale her last breath. I rejoice for I know she’s in Heaven and no longer suffering. Yet I surely miss her. I miss what might have been!
Over the past few months, I’m gaining more knowledge and understanding of what it means to simply sit with my pain.
I’m learning to embrace it!
I’m learning to talk to it!
I’m learning to touch it!
I’m learning to feel it!
I. Do. Not. Want. To. Feel. This. Pain!
Yet, I also know if I refuse to do so then my healing will take a lot longer. I don’t wanta prolong the healing that’s watching me as I grapple my way along this morbid path. I want to embrace my healing! Grab my healing and dance!
I simply refuse to drag this giant bag of pain and various attached emotions along behind me for the rest of my life!
I have way too much to live for!
I am so stinkin’ blessed with this incredible husband I have!
I am writing more books and they are being published!
Writing helps me release those demons who’ve messed with my mind.
Writing is healing!
Writing is a cleansing process. I’ve written a lot of letters lately to those who’ve hurt me in one way or another. I’m choosing on purpose to release them, to forgive them and move forward.
Does that mean the pain stops?
Well, not for me anyway!
And one positive thing with all this pain junk is that I’m now realizing I can actually feel. That means I’m not stuffing it! I’m not pretending I’m okay when inside I’m falling apart!
Here’s a list of the first four books I’ve written.
Each of them are available on Amazon.
I’m currently working on book 3 in the Secret series as well as the story of my beloved and I. Both will be released in 2022.
I’m also learning to be gentle with myself. I used to put me last. I guess many of us do that for whatever reason. I’m now learning that I’m worth the effort of self-care. It’s not easy cuz I’m having to unlearn years of negative self-care and replace those learned behaviors with care for me.
I know that’s how my Abba Father desires me to do. He tells me that in His Word.
I know grieving is an important part of living. It means I’ve loved deeply. And was loved deeply!
I know I’m gonna be alright.
I also know this part of my life path is messy and hard and sad.
So if you see me, don’t fret!
Don’t think you need to be upbeat and joking around me. Sometimes I’d just like someone to sit with me. Not saying anything or doing anything special. Just being real.
It’s okay. We all experience grief and we all deal with it differently.
I’m just choosing to be raw and naked with mine! Maybe what I experience will help someone else!
I don’t know how we’ll do holidays this year.
I know the three of us will have Thanksgiving together. My beloved and I have been talking bout getting away on Christmas. Making new memories.
Our family is small…though not of our choice. Our son and his sweet family live far away which makes getting together often very hard. The other family members…..well right now there’s stuff going on so we just simply let ’em be and go on. We know God’s got it and He has them in His capable hands. For that we are thankful.
I am blessed….I hurt deeply but that simply means I’m allowing myself to finally feel!
And lordy, those feelings sometimes suck!
But…..I will rejoice!
I will keep on keeping on this healing path!
I will discover great and amazing blessings along the way!
And I will always be grateful for being able to feel!
That simply means I’m not dead yet!
I pray your holiday is comforting.
Don’t force yourself to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. It’s really not worth that effort. You, my friend, are so worth learning how to deeply love and respect yourself!
This year I refuse to put myself in a situation that could cause drama or crap! Life’s way too short for that stuff!
Blessings to you!