I hate winter!

Warning: Enter in but this is a real and raw post with a lot of pain!

I’ve been struggling the past two days and wasn’t sure why.
I’ve attempted to connect with my inner self to find out what’s going on.
Nope, not feeling sick.
Nope, not overly emotional.

So what in the world is going on?

I’ve learned through counseling to write letters to my former self no matter the life stage or age of that me from years ago.

Today I sat down with my journal and just let the words free flow. Oh wow…

I’ve been on a healing journey with a great deal of grief to process. Freewriting helps me to get in touch with what’s going on deep inside.

I HATE WINTER!!!!

We’ve received substantial snowfalls recently back to back with more heading our way this weekend. I didn’t connect that wintery event with my issues until this week. Ugh….

following is a bit of what I’ve written today…..

Please read carefully….

Yesterday and today I’ve found myself struggling really hard. No, I don’t know why.

After writing the following I now better understand what my body had been trying to tell me. Years ago, when I was a little girl, horrible things were done to me. Abuses no one should ever have to endure. ‘But God!’ I did and He has saved me and continues to heal me even my deepest being!

I’ve realized when I turn on my healing path to face a demon from my past, it’s vitally important to reward myself for the hard work. Any form of healing can be hard work!

This afternoon, after a quick run to the store…yes they’re predicting bad weather again….ugh….I will do something fun and creative. I have lots of supplies to begin sewing cute little hearts for Valentine’s Day. Or I may color! Either one is a refreshing change from standing my ground and facing that horror from my past. In so doing, I am choosing to replace the ugly with something beautiful.

No, I can’t change the past pain but I sure can change how I view winter from now on. It may take a bit of reminding myself often that I am now safe and very well-loved and protected! I need never worry again about the little girl within being abused!


I do know…..I HATE WINTER!!

Many years ago when I was but a child, I hated winter!

It had snowed!
A lot!!
Oh, no! No School!
But school is my safe place! What am I gonna do!?!

My little girl’s body was abused….over and over and over!
I was hurt!
And no one cared!

With my little boot-clad feet, I tried ever so hard to scrape the snow off the yard.
If there’s no snow, I can go to school. Oh, the logic of a seven-year-old little girl.

Oh, no! Too much snow!
What am I to do?
It did no good no matter how long I scraped snow.

Oh, that poor little girl!

No One Cared!

Where were You in all Your infinite wisdom and glory, seated upon Your comfy, warm throne?
I was all alone!!

Alone with the pain!
Alone with the shame!

Alone!!

Oh, it hurts so badly!

And yet, no one cared!

“What a good little girl you are“, they said.

No One Cared!

I hate the snow!
I hate the winter!
I hate the pain!
I hate you!

No One cared!

Why didn’t someone, anyone care?

Can you help me?
Won’t you please?

I hate the winter!

She tried so hard to be so brave.
The things they did to her.
They plowed her secret place with painful devices.
It hurt!

I hate the winter!
I weep for her, the lost little one!

No one cared!

I am a long way in time from that little girl, yet she still resides within my being.
I will do her honor and justice by acknowledging all the pain she endured.
I will make sure her voice is heard!
I will respect her enough to hold my head up and say, yes she/I was abused and survived!
I will honor her pain and suffering by doing my very best to heal deep within to radiate that healing outward!
I will rise up out of the ashes others heaped upon my little girl’s head to become the woman warrior God has destined me to be!

If you have suffered any form of abuse I pray you too will be able to gain that necessary healing.

I will listen to you!