This time in 2015, I made a huge life-changing decision. It was not made lightly but covered with much prayer, tears and questions. No one …I mean NO one…knew what I was dealing with behind closed doors in my marriage. I was so very scared! Terrified, in fact! I had no idea what I’d do or where I’d go. Actually, I was homeless for several months. Oh, I had a safe place to live, which I am forever grateful for, yet I did not have my own home!
I have tried to not go into a lot of details about my previous marriage for several reasons.
One of those is I don’t believe in bashing or trash-talking anyone else, even if it’s a former partner and if there were soul-searing issues! However, there comes a time when the truth must be told.
The second reason I dared not share my truth from those years was that, for the longest time, I felt this deep guilt, shame and condemnation! (I can hear my friend Kathy telling me firmly, ‘Now, where does that come from? You know it surely doesn’t come from the Lord!) She’s right! I mean, when I did make the choice to leave, I found who my real friends were and let me tell ya, they were few and far between!
Oh, I had many ‘friends’ coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, telling me what a godless decision I’d made and how I’d be punished. Yes, I was actually told that!!
Please don’t spout scriptures or your belief of scripture if you do NOT have true knowledge of what happened! You are NOT a mind reader. You have NO idea what that person has lived through! When you pounce on someone acting ‘holier than thou,’ you’re only hurting yourself!
This morning I gained a major revelation. I was going through pictures from the summer of 2015. The before and after!
Before I left, I lived my life in fear…. gut-wrenching fear! There was much abuse though not physical or sexual. There was a tremendous amount of financial and psychological abuse!
I should never have married this man, but I did. Mainly because I thought I was ‘helping’ God to direct my future instead of relying on Him to direct my path. What I was doing was being deceived! I believed a lie. I was reenacting a pattern in my life. I encourage you to examine repeated patterns. There’s great truth in them if you’ll just look!
Do I have regrets?
Yes, I do!
I hear various arguments about having regrets! Yet, I do. That’s my truth for right now. I regret that I did not listen to wise counsel telling me not to marry a man I’d met online! How foolish I was! You truly can not get to know someone long distance! It’s just not possible! You must develop a long-term trusting relationship face-to-face, and then not everything is always revealed! I was wrong!
I regret disobeying my Heavenly Father. Yet, I am oh, so grateful for His forgiveness, His love, and His mercy!!
There are regrets that still hurt my soul and my heart, yet I know my Abba is healing me deeply!
I’ve repented to Him for my flippant behavior! I pray often to be able to completely forgive those who hurt me. Healing is messy and can take time.
I also pray for God to forgive me for hurting anyone during that season! None of us are perfect and sometimes, I feel so far from that! We all can play a part in someone else’s pain.
As time moves forward, I pray for His leading and continued healing. And that as time allows, I will know when and where to share that part of my story. I also will NOT live in any more fear, guilt, or condemnation!! All that comes from the enemy of my soul!
I now ask Him to help me to forgive myself for being deceived, for making life-altering decisions that not only affected me but many more! And to restore that which was stolen from me during that season!
I will cling to Him to bring even more healing and freedom in my life!
I now choose on purpose to listen for His voice directing me this way or that! I can’t do this thing called life on my own, but with Him, all things are possible!
If you have experienced any season of deception, I am praying for you!
There is HOPE!!
There is healing available!
And there is freedom and peace!
Feel free to reach out at: firstname.lastname@example.org or leave a comment below!
I’d love to hear your story!
Fear is a liar!!
Have a beautiful day!
This is me today!!
Happy with my beloved and deeply in love!
And loving life!!