I dreamed about you last night.
Oh, no! It wasn’t that kinda dream at all.
Matter of fact, it was more along the lines of a nightmare!
You see, I know in my mind that I’m now safe. Safe with my beloved who loves me past forever! Safe in that I know I’ll never be hurt again! Safe in the fact that you will never inflict a bit of abuse on me ever!
Yet, my mind fights that truth!
I must learn to retrain my brain!
Trauma victims, of which I am one, unfortunately, will often replay an incident from their past over and over in their minds, and their thoughts. I’m practicing to NOT do that! Still struggle with that though.
Sometimes I slip up and allow the thoughts of you, of our previous marriage, to sear my mind! When I do that it causes more pain!
Today, instead of fighting those thoughts, instead of trying to cram them deep down on the inside of my being, I am feeling them! I give myself permission to feel the deep sorrow, the deep soul-ripping pain, the rejection, the bone-chilling fear!
Today I will feel and I will heal!!
Today I honor the woman of those days!
Today I look back just long enough to grab the arm of myself back then and say, ‘Yes we can do this together!‘
Today I tell myself of years ago, “Oh goodness…I’m so very proud of all you did to survive!”
Did you know at one point I’d contacted a family member who lived out of state?
My intention was to take my child and stay with my family member; go to college and get a degree then be able to take care of both my child and myself on my own. No, that didn’t work out.
Because one morning I asked you, ‘What would you say if I took our child and left?’
To which you replied, ‘I’d track you down to the ends of the earth, make sure our child was safe then I’d kill you very slowly!’
I believed you because I’d seen you put a loaded gun to a person’s head with the hammer pulled back. I believed you!
I so wish I’d of been braver to have reported you to the sheriff but sadly, I was a broken woman who’d been abused since childhood! I did not understand.
Even so, I did survive!
And my child grew into a fine adult!
Now I am learning to feel all those emotions I kept tamped down within my being way back then.
Now I am learning the importance of feeling all of it to heal all of it!
Now I know that with Jesus all things are possible…including my going back in time to heal a wounded and tired soul!
You do NOT win!!!
Jesus in me wins!
I survived what could have killed me!
I survived all that abuse and trauma!
I survived! Period!!
Today I feel it…all the pain, fear and heartache from years ago.
Today I allow the pain to wash over my soul.
Today I give myself permission to feel.
Today I allow the anger to surge upward.
Today I am taking one more step toward my complete freedom!
Today I celebrate every single victory from those years by writing them down and posting them where I can read them often! I need that reminder that I did indeed overcome with Jesus’ help and direction! And I am still overcoming!
The Jesus in me wins!
Thank You, Jesus, for creating emotions so I can feel it to heal it!
Thank you for allowing me to experience what I did so I can now greatly value my wonderful, godly marriage to my beloved!
Thank You for saving me and continually setting me free!
If you’d like to learn how to let it all go feel free to drop me a line. I’d love to hear your story!