Some days are better than others.
Listen to your heart.
Listen for your voice for it’s in there waiting to be released!
Never allow anyone to put you down or cause you to doubt your own worth!
You really are a force to be reckoned with!
You are a #warriorrisingup
Have a wonderfully beautiful day!!
(Possible trigger warning)
The blooming apple tree, for me, signifies spring is indeed springing though this year there seems to be some confusion on this season if its coming or going. Its been warm then it gets really cold and even attempts to snow but that makes the seasons interesting in Kentucky! It’s never boring!
Just outside my office window this apple tree has beautiful blooms beginning with the buds then the opening plus there is a sweet, deep fragrence! Until just a few days ago I didn’t realize how lovely an apple tree smells.
For me for many long years I hated the apple tree! I dreaded to see the tree burst forth in bloom every spring with out fail. Yes, I know hate is a strong word but that’s how I felt.
That is until this year!
This year I decided to gain some control over those hateful feelings by confronting my memories associated with blooming apple trees!
You see, one of the first memories of my child abuse that returned was of me as a very young girl, laying naked on a clear sheet of plastic down in the backyard under a blooming apple tree. I remember disassociating thinking I was sitting up in that tree watching what was being done to that little girl by her uncle and grandmother thinking how horribly bad that was.
I so wanted to rescue that little girl!
I so wanted to protect her but I wasn’t able to!
I was that little girl!
April is National Child Abuse Awareness month and it’s the month apple trees are normally in bloom. Ironic.
So this week I walked out to the apple tree right outside my office window and had a good talk. I apologized to that little girl of long ago telling her how sorry I was she was ever hurt! I reminded her of her worth and value and that she was oh, so loved! And that she’s gonna do great things by telling her story to others so that they too can find their healing path!
And I spent time once again asking God to help me forgive those who had violated my being, my mind and my little girls body!
And to forgive me for holding onto unforgiveness against my abusers for so long, for not letting go of the pain and resentment sooner.
I chose on purpose to forgive them and move forward. There is way more peace in the forgiveness that in staying in the memories of the past.
Besides I’ve got way too much good to do! I’ve got more books to write! Words to share with others offering hope and help as they take necessary steps to overcome their painful past.
No one ever deserves to be abused! Ever!!
The trauma effects of child abuse afterward can be life altering but they do not necessarily have to steal your life!
You can grow and heal from child abuse!
If you need someone to be your voice until you gain yours I’d be honored to do so!
I’d love to hear your story!
You can reach out to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
I’ve written my first book, Secrets in the Hollers, as a work of fiction based on a true story, mine!
Together we will become a force to be reckoned with!
Together we can help move many mountains!
May you have a sweet, peaceful day!
She carried me in her womb for nine months and raised me until I left home. That doesn’t mean she was a good mother. Maybe she did the best she could though!
Just as there is a dash on our tombstone between our birth and death there should be a dash or some such marker from our birth until we leave home.
Jeremiah 1:5 tells us God knew us before He even formed us in our mother’s womb. I used to hate that scripture because I thought it meant that God had placed me where He had, with the mother I have, on purpose knowing what would happen to me before it did. I used to think He’d planned for me to be hurt all along. That was a lie from the devil!
And the answer is ‘yes’ He did know.
I have no clue why God allowed the abuse in my life. I used to demand to know. Now I am thankful I just lived through it as sane and as healed as I am because I now know I could be dead or in an insane asylum.
My mother told me some years ago, “Well you’re no better off than I am so why shouldn’t you have been abused!” Wow…
After reading some letters she wrote to her siblings I now know just a bit of the abuse she had to endure and I know her own mother had endured abuse as well.
My husband and I went to see my mom today. She’s in a nursing home. She has started down the path of Alzheimer’s and it hurts my heart.
She and I have never had the mother / daughter relationship I so craved and still miss. I’ve learned how to glean that particular desire to be cared for and filled from God. His word tells us He is our momma and poppa as we need and right now my need of Him is to be close to me. Today it’s heavy!
Not only did God know me before He formed me; He knew that I would experience much horrific child abuse. He knew that for many years I’d battle with my mother for her part in all my pain and He knew I’d draw close to Him for my healing and learn how to release all the hurts, all the memories to Him so I could learn how to forgive my mother.
So today we visit her. She still looks the same but her mind is not the same at all. She does remember me which I’m very thankful for.
She frequently asked to go home, to the ole home place yet, she doesn’t seem to remember I too grew up there. She doesn’t remember that there’s now no home to go back to because someone burnt it down years ago.
Sometimes it scares me when she gets that look in her eyes as she demands to get out and go home. I can not help her and pray for peace over her mind.
I am so thankful God helped me to let the pain and hate and fear, of my childhood especially pertaining to my mom, go and be healed!
The old rock foundation is all that’s left standing of the home place yet time has gone on and healing has taken place in my soul.
I’m so thankful I’m now strong enough to love on her in her last years!
Everyone deserves love!
I know sometimes you’d just rather stay in bed, at home, away from people where you feel safe and isolated. I do so get that.
Maybe though today you get up, get a shower, get dressed, brush your teeth and comb your hair and step out that door.
One thing at a time. No need to be over thinking a bunch of steps ahead…just do that next thing in front of you!
Depression and anxiety come in many forms, shapes and sizes. You are not alone in this battle!
The sign of a winner is an individual who keeps making forward progress even after many stops and starts including falling flat on his or her face sometimes.
Three things to do today to help you move forward!
1. Take a step forward
No matter how big or small any step is movement forward.
2. Take a breath
Breathing is your friend. Slow, deep breaths help you focus on controlling anxiety. Fill your lungs with life giving oxygen! Stay in the moment. Try to not zone out! Don’t hold your breath!
3. Give yourself permission to fail
So many of us who do battle with depression and anxiety seem to believe everything we do must be done perfectly. That’s a crock! Just try and do your best! That’s forward motion!
I’m rooting for you and I believe in you! Even if you’re not able to see your value, your worth, I see it! You can do anything you set your mind to doing! You’ve fought this battle long and hard!
You are a survivor!
You are a beautiful individual!
You can do this!!
You are a beautiful and unique individual!
You were created for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) to do great and mighty things to become a world changer!
You are valued and worthy!
You are delightful and a loving individual!
May today be your special day you sense great and mighty love and acceptance!
You are beautiful just as you are!
Today celebrate your worth!
As I’ve grown older in my adulthood I’ve become more aware of these parts of me. I used to battle panic… fear…. anxiety….parinonia…and more most of my life.
I grew up in a very abusive and dysfunctional home so for me those things were normal. That is until I grew old enough to realize my home life was not normal even though for me it appeared to be so. They were not normal and caused great damage!
Many people I know who have experienced chronic childhood trauma still fight their inner demons….and may continue to do so the rest of their life. I know for me my battle has lessened yet I’m still alert to those triggers.
So many seem not to understand, or for whatever reason chose not to do so, that anxiety is very real! I so wish I never had to experience those feelings ever again.
Personally for me Jesus and my beloved husband have helped me to overcome and grow even more!
I’m so very thankful I don’t have those terrible attacks as frequently as I used to but they’re still there…just beneath the surface of my soul.
Some say I’ll always have them….I dunno. What matters to me is that I am healing and growing and that is possible one step at a time!
If you know someone who deals with anxiety or panic attacks be kind. Don’t tell that person to just get over it or shake it off or to read more scripture and pray harder. Those are really lame things to say!!
When I’m having an anxiety attack its embarrassing because I certainly do not want you to see me at my weakest. Nor do I want your pity.
Just sit with me. Be there for me. Try to distract me. Assure me it will soon pass. (I had a severe one not long ago that lasted bout 5 hours. Longest one in ages!)
Just love and accept me. My anxiety is not something you can catch! Its mine! Although it is loosening its hold on me.
If I have anxiety the rest of my life, so be it! Even so, I will life my life to the fullest because I refuse to allow those who ripped my innocence from my soul any more power!
I am choosing to be a Voice for the Voiceless!
It is time!
Follow me at: Author Pamela Richards-Woodall on Facebook and on Twitter.
I’ve released my first book, Secrets in the Hollers, which is a great story and resource of how a young girl searches and finds her help and hope in overcoming a very painful past!
You may contact my publisher, Oak Tree Publishing Company, at email@example.com to purchase a copy.
I look forward to hearing from you!
She struggled upon rising. Her heart was so heavy. Decisions to be made with no clear direction.
Standing there on the craggy mountain top backed up against the hard rock face she had just a wee bit of protection from the fierce wind that whipped about.
It was here she sought internal restoration. It was here she hoped to regain her strength. She had to. She had her assignments to manage and failure wasn’t an option.
Even taking this precious time to have her armor checked for any tears or openings took valuable time from her plan yet she knew it was vitally needed.
She slowed her breathing and allow her self to still as the little ones examined her with a close eye that would catch even the smallest dent of snag that could bring another destruction.
She looked out over the expanse laid before her. Cities, communities, homesteads and the watchers that were encamped high upon the hills all laid out before her. She’d made her way to this vantage point where she could view their comings and goings.
She knew that the evil one had created a trail into the city below where he plied his filth. He’d brought a new substance within the city walls that provided innocent ones a trip like they’d never taken. This had to go she knew!
And there over in the next town she’d begun to hear of children being made to do things only adult should preform. This made her blood boil causing her muscles to tighten and her hand to clutch her sword tighter! The littles working on her armor tapped her gaining her attention to relax so their work would go smoother. When she tensed her muscles it caused the armor to become one with her flesh making repairs much harder.
She knew immediately when they’d finished with her and stood upright. In doing so she felt the onslaught of the bitter wind whipping her long hair in a multitude of directions and biting her pale skin.
With her armor now fully intact amd having gained needed nourishment she stepped over to the edge of the harsh mountain top viewing all that was laid out before her. She was still tired but had enough strength to preform her next task.
She’d been assigned to advance to the home of a little boy whose father visited him in the middle of the night. This father came when others had drifted off into slumberland full of dreams and peace. This father did not visit his son to offer his noble protectiontion but rather to once again pull his son into the dark, moist pit he himself frequented. This father was the worst in many ways.
Annagaf stood there on the edge of the mountain imagining how she would take care of this father this night….and then she jumped over the edge of the mountain into nothingness. Moments later she landed with a slight thud outside the boys bedroom window where she heard muffled cries.
At that exact moment she allowed herself appeared in the little ones room just in time to stop the father from making his final move.
She made her presence known as she reached for the man’s neck. The little boy looked up at her weeping then realizing she was not to hurt him. With wide eyes the boy watched as suddenly the woman lifted his father off the sagging bed and they both disappeared from view.
Annagaf dropped the man on the cold hard ground near the half circle of men and women gathered in the darken chamber. Tonight his fate would be made known.
Annagaf’s right hand itched as she desperately wanted to lift her sword but up on looking at Gazar she knew to hault her desires. She would wait this night to see what the fate of this coward would be.
For now she had to ready herself for her next assignment for there were surely many other children to save!
She was a warrior!