Real. Raw. And nakked! I was decived!!!

This time in 2015, I made a huge life-changing decision. It was not made lightly but covered with much prayer, tears and questions. No one …I mean NO one…knew what I was dealing with behind closed doors in my marriage. I was so very scared! Terrified, in fact! I had no idea what I’d do or where I’d go. Actually, I was homeless for several months. Oh, I had a safe place to live, which I am forever grateful for, yet I did not have my own home!

I have tried to not go into a lot of details about my previous marriage for several reasons.

One of those is I don’t believe in bashing or trash-talking anyone else, even if it’s a former partner and if there were soul-searing issues! However, there comes a time when the truth must be told.

The second reason I dared not share my truth from those years was that, for the longest time, I felt this deep guilt, shame and condemnation! (I can hear my friend Kathy telling me firmly, ‘Now, where does that come from? You know it surely doesn’t come from the Lord!) She’s right! I mean, when I did make the choice to leave, I found who my real friends were and let me tell ya, they were few and far between!

Oh, I had many ‘friends’ coming out of the woodwork, so to speak, telling me what a godless decision I’d made and how I’d be punished. Yes, I was actually told that!!

Wisdom Nugget:

Please don’t spout scriptures or your belief of scripture if you do NOT have true knowledge of what happened! You are NOT a mind reader. You have NO idea what that person has lived through! When you pounce on someone acting ‘holier than thou,’ you’re only hurting yourself!

This morning I gained a major revelation. I was going through pictures from the summer of 2015. The before and after!

Me bout a week after I left. My sweet daughter-in-law took me to get my hair done completely differently. I had worn it long and dyed a funky blond color. I like this picture greatly!!
When I moved back home, which I swore I never would because there had been a lot of pain at home, I stayed with family members. They welcomed me with open arms. I gained a lot of healing with them in their safe place and I will be forever grateful!
This was taken up the road from the safe place I stayed for a short season. Much healing and love lived there!

Before I left, I lived my life in fear…. gut-wrenching fear! There was much abuse though not physical or sexual. There was a tremendous amount of financial and psychological abuse!

I should never have married this man, but I did. Mainly because I thought I was ‘helping’ God to direct my future instead of relying on Him to direct my path. What I was doing was being deceived! I believed a lie. I was reenacting a pattern in my life. I encourage you to examine repeated patterns. There’s great truth in them if you’ll just look!

Do I have regrets?

Yes, I do!

I hear various arguments about having regrets! Yet, I do. That’s my truth for right now. I regret that I did not listen to wise counsel telling me not to marry a man I’d met online! How foolish I was! You truly can not get to know someone long distance! It’s just not possible! You must develop a long-term trusting relationship face-to-face, and then not everything is always revealed! I was wrong!

I regret disobeying my Heavenly Father. Yet, I am oh, so grateful for His forgiveness, His love, and His mercy!!

There are regrets that still hurt my soul and my heart, yet I know my Abba is healing me deeply!

I’ve repented to Him for my flippant behavior! I pray often to be able to completely forgive those who hurt me. Healing is messy and can take time.

I also pray for God to forgive me for hurting anyone during that season! None of us are perfect and sometimes, I feel so far from that! We all can play a part in someone else’s pain.

As time moves forward, I pray for His leading and continued healing. And that as time allows, I will know when and where to share that part of my story. I also will NOT live in any more fear, guilt, or condemnation!! All that comes from the enemy of my soul!

I now ask Him to help me to forgive myself for being deceived, for making life-altering decisions that not only affected me but many more! And to restore that which was stolen from me during that season!

I will cling to Him to bring even more healing and freedom in my life!

I now choose on purpose to listen for His voice directing me this way or that! I can’t do this thing called life on my own, but with Him, all things are possible!

If you have experienced any season of deception, I am praying for you!

There is HOPE!!

There is healing available!

And there is freedom and peace!

Feel free to reach out at: pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com or leave a comment below!

I’d love to hear your story!

Fear is a liar!!

Have a beautiful day!

This is me today!!

Happy with my beloved and deeply in love!
And loving life!!

The joy of the Lord is my strength!

I hate winter!

Warning: Enter in but this is a real and raw post with a lot of pain!

I’ve been struggling the past two days and wasn’t sure why.
I’ve attempted to connect with my inner self to find out what’s going on.
Nope, not feeling sick.
Nope, not overly emotional.

So what in the world is going on?

I’ve learned through counseling to write letters to my former self no matter the life stage or age of that me from years ago.

Today I sat down with my journal and just let the words free flow. Oh wow…

I’ve been on a healing journey with a great deal of grief to process. Freewriting helps me to get in touch with what’s going on deep inside.


I HATE WINTER!!!!

We’ve received substantial snowfalls recently back to back with more heading our way this weekend. I didn’t connect that wintery event with my issues until this week. Ugh….


following is a bit of what I’ve written today…..

Please read carefully….

Yesterday and today I’ve found myself struggling really hard. No, I don’t know why.


After writing the following I now better understand what my body had been trying to tell me. Years ago, when I was a little girl, horrible things were done to me. Abuses no one should ever have to endure. ‘But God!’ I did and He has saved me and continues to heal me even my deepest being!

I’ve realized when I turn on my healing path to face a demon from my past, it’s vitally important to reward myself for the hard work. Any form of healing can be hard work!

This afternoon, after a quick run to the store…yes they’re predicting bad weather again….ugh….I will do something fun and creative. I have lots of supplies to begin sewing cute little hearts for Valentine’s Day. Or I may color! Either one is a refreshing change from standing my ground and facing that horror from my past. In so doing, I am choosing to replace the ugly with something beautiful.



No, I can’t change the past pain but I sure can change how I view winter from now on. It may take a bit of reminding myself often that I am now safe and very well-loved and protected! I need never worry again about the little girl within being abused!


I do know…..I HATE WINTER!!

Many years ago when I was but a child, I hated winter!

It had snowed!
A lot!!
Oh, no! No School!
But school is my safe place! What am I gonna do!?!

My little girl’s body was abused….over and over and over!
I was hurt!
And no one cared!

With my little boot-clad feet, I tried ever so hard to scrape the snow off the yard.
If there’s no snow, I can go to school. Oh, the logic of a seven-year-old little girl.

Oh, no! Too much snow!
What am I to do?
It did no good no matter how long I scraped snow.

Oh, that poor little girl!

No One Cared!

Where were You in all Your infinite wisdom and glory, seated upon Your comfy, warm throne?
I was all alone!!

Alone with the pain!
Alone with the shame!

Alone!!

Oh, it hurts so badly!

And yet, no one cared!

What a good little girl you are“, they said.

No One Cared!

I hate the snow!
I hate the winter!
I hate the pain!
I hate you!

No One cared!

Why didn’t someone, anyone care?

Can you help me?
Won’t you please?

I hate the winter!

She tried so hard to be so brave.
The things they did to her.
They plowed her secret place with painful devices.
It hurt!

I hate the winter!
I weep for her, the lost little one!

No one cared!

View out our backdoor.


I am a long way in time from that little girl, yet she still resides within my being.
I will do her honor and justice by acknowledging all the pain she endured.
I will make sure her voice is heard!
I will respect her enough to hold my head up and say, yes she/I was abused and survived!
I will honor her pain and suffering by doing my very best to heal deep within to radiate that healing outward!
I will rise up out of the ashes others heaped upon my little girl’s head to become the woman warrior God has destined me to be!

If you have suffered any form of abuse I pray you too will be able to gain that necessary healing.

I will listen to you!




Grief and the Holidays

This year for the first time in my life I have no desire whatsoever to move forward into the joyous season. I’d just rather skip right over all the silly season and wake up on December 26th, thank you very much!!

Grief hurts!

I’ve been visiting with a grief counselor who has helped somewhat. Although, honestly I believe one thing that will help is simply time.

Today I’m missing my sweet mother-in-law. We did not have the typical mother-daughter-in-law relationship. Ours was very special and unique!

It was more mother-daughter!

Right now where I live the leaves are falling from the trees. Actually, there’s a blanket of fallen leaves laying over our yard. Mom didn’t like to let leaves pile up. She was always concerned someone would come around and flip a cigarette out and start a fire. Even in her last days, she’d go outside and rake leaves all the while, needing her walker to help her walk. She’d worked hard all her life and did so as she was able to right up to the end. I admired her so very much!

I always called her ‘mom’. She passed away this past August!

I miss her fiercely! As I know my sweet beloved and his brother do as well!

I’ve realized the family dynamics change greatly when the previous generation is gone. Dad, my husband’s father, passed away in 2016.


This is mom and dad long before I came along. They were so much in love. And because of that love, presented a godly example of what it was like to be married. No, their life wasn’t easy for they both had to work hard all day every day for most of their lives. Yet, when the end of the day rolled around and they laid their heads on their pillow, there was contentment in sharing another day together!
What a lovely couple they made!

I don’t know how to do this grief stuff!

According to a quick search on the internet, grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.

I acknowledge that I’m in a deep season of grieving. I lost my mother in September 2019. I was with her when she exhaled her last breath. My dad passed in December 2020. I couldn’t be with him as the nursing home refused me to be with him! That still hurts deeply!

And now my precious mother-in-law!

Grief isn’t just about the passing of loved ones.

During the past few months, I’ve come to realize I’m not only grieving the loss of parents and sweet in-laws, but I’m also grieving the loss of my innocence. Having gone through horrific child abuse I learned early in life to pretend all was well and to stuff my true emotions way down deep on the inside of my soul. Well, that’s not healthy!

I believe I’ve been dealing with a lot of physical issues due to ignoring this pain within my soul!

How to deal with the grieving process (Grabbed this off the internet)

  1. Acknowledge your pain.
  2. Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
  3. Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
  4. Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
  5. Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically

The pain isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, right after mom passed. I watched her exhale her last breath. I rejoice for I know she’s in Heaven and no longer suffering. Yet I surely miss her. I miss what might have been!

Over the past few months, I’m gaining more knowledge and understanding of what it means to simply sit with my pain.

I’m learning to embrace it!

I’m learning to talk to it!

I’m learning to touch it!

I’m learning to feel it!

I. Do. Not. Want. To. Feel. This. Pain!

Yet, I also know if I refuse to do so then my healing will take a lot longer. I don’t wanta prolong the healing that’s watching me as I grapple my way along this morbid path. I want to embrace my healing! Grab my healing and dance!

I simply refuse to drag this giant bag of pain and various attached emotions along behind me for the rest of my life!

I have way too much to live for!

I am so stinkin’ blessed with this incredible husband I have!


I am writing more books and they are being published!

Writing helps me release those demons who’ve messed with my mind.

Writing is healing!

Writing is a cleansing process. I’ve written a lot of letters lately to those who’ve hurt me in one way or another. I’m choosing on purpose to release them, to forgive them and move forward.

Does that mean the pain stops?

Nope!

Well, not for me anyway!

And one positive thing with all this pain junk is that I’m now realizing I can actually feel. That means I’m not stuffing it! I’m not pretending I’m okay when inside I’m falling apart!

Here’s a list of the first four books I’ve written.

Each of them are available on Amazon.

My first book.
Second book I wrote.
This was the third book I wrote. A hard one to write.

My latest book I’ve written. This book details the abuse I lived through during my childhood. Another hard one to write but very needed!


I’m currently working on book 3 in the Secret series as well as the story of my beloved and I. Both will be released in 2022.

I’m also learning to be gentle with myself. I used to put me last. I guess many of us do that for whatever reason. I’m now learning that I’m worth the effort of self-care. It’s not easy cuz I’m having to unlearn years of negative self-care and replace those learned behaviors with care for me.

I know that’s how my Abba Father desires me to do. He tells me that in His Word.

I know grieving is an important part of living. It means I’ve loved deeply. And was loved deeply!

I know I’m gonna be alright.

I also know this part of my life path is messy and hard and sad.

So if you see me, don’t fret!

Don’t think you need to be upbeat and joking around me. Sometimes I’d just like someone to sit with me. Not saying anything or doing anything special. Just being real.

It’s okay. We all experience grief and we all deal with it differently.

I’m just choosing to be raw and naked with mine! Maybe what I experience will help someone else!

I don’t know how we’ll do holidays this year.

I know the three of us will have Thanksgiving together. My beloved and I have been talking bout getting away on Christmas. Making new memories.

Our family is small…though not of our choice. Our son and his sweet family live far away which makes getting together often very hard. The other family members…..well right now there’s stuff going on so we just simply let ’em be and go on. We know God’s got it and He has them in His capable hands. For that we are thankful.

I am blessed….I hurt deeply but that simply means I’m allowing myself to finally feel!

And lordy, those feelings sometimes suck!

But…..I will rejoice!
I will keep on keeping on this healing path!
I will discover great and amazing blessings along the way!
And I will always be grateful for being able to feel!

That simply means I’m not dead yet!

I pray your holiday is comforting.

Don’t force yourself to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. It’s really not worth that effort. You, my friend, are so worth learning how to deeply love and respect yourself!

This year I refuse to put myself in a situation that could cause drama or crap! Life’s way too short for that stuff!

Blessings to you!

I Wept for You Today


I wept for you today
In the kindest most gentlest way
I wept for you today

Do you see the child within
So broken and so scared
I wept for you today

When will you stop running
When will you surrender
I wept for you today

I see that wounded one within
I sense the brokenness and the pain
I wept for you today

Do you feel so all alone
Hopeless and despaired
I wept for you today

I long to hold you to take your pain
But I hear you boost I’m fine
I wept for you today

I ache for the wounded little you
The one so scared and all alone
I wept for you today

When will you let go
When will it be enough
I wept for you today

It’s your choice to let go or not
It’s up to you to receive His love
I wept for you today

Please before it’s too late surrender
Allow Him to comfort you so well
I weep for you today

Freedom in Him can be had
Forgiveness is your key
I weep for you

You’re not alone
You are not rejected
I weep for you today

I pray for you

I weep for you today

~Pamela Richards-Woodall

Let us seek the Lord

May we seek our Abba when we are afraid and chose to be like King Jehoshaphat gathering all around us to seek the Lord and fast!

And may we draw deep within our being and never forget “the battle does NOT belong to us! The battle belongs to the Lord”!!!!

In all we are facing today or gonna be facing this week our Poppa God has not fallen off the throne nor has He forgotten us, His children!

Let us go forth this day and this week being an encouragement to those we meet!

Praying one for another and sharing a smile!

You are not alone!

Check out II Chronicles 20

Have a most blessed day!!

#nofearhere

#faithoverfear

Healing me? How?

A book in the Bible talks about seasons.

Ecclesiastes 3 tells that there is a time and season for many things under Heaven. Right now this is my time of healing.

1 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

But how do I heal?

That I do not know!

What is healing?

This is what google tells me, the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.

Wow…boy oh, do I need that!

And where do I even begin?

Healthy?

Was I ever healthy?

I’m honestly not sure!

I’ve had professionals tell me I should be in an insane asylum or dead because of the horrific amount of trauma I’ve experienced.

>Trafficked to men in the community until I was 11 years old to pay the ‘light bill‘ each month.

>Massive amounts of child abuse: physical, sexual, neglect, psychological.

>Given enemas’ over and over to ‘get the devil outta me’.

>Groomed to obey whatever ever was told to me.

And so much more.

I write about this and more in my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption.

All of my books are available on Kindle or Amazon in paperback. A portion of all book sales goes to Broken Pieces No More Inc, a nonprofit my husband, a dear friend and I formed to raise awareness of child abuse and human trafficking.

Right now with all that’s going on I am stepping back from most areas and focusing on gaining my own deep, inner healing. If I’m not healed then I won’t be of much use to others. It is imperative that I gain my own healing as I want to be instrumental in helping others who have trod a similar path as I have. #healingispossible

We all need healing for we’ve all been hurt in some manner.

What are you hoping to heal within?

It is possible!

And you are not alone, no matter how much you or the enemy tries to convince you of..it’s a lie!

Never allow anyone to deny you this unique opportunity to gain that necessary healing either.

I pray you will be able to join me on a similar journey and grab hold of the healing you deserve.

#secretsnomore

I am pleased and excited to announce that my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption, is now available in paperback and kindle. Any of my books may be purchased through Amazon.

This was a very hard book to write as I shared a great deal of my own personal story. And in it I share parts of my soul with you. Parts of my soul I’d never want anyone to see; yet, I truly believe that I need to share my truth in order that others may know the freedom and hope I now experience.

I shared secrets.

My book shares secrets. Deep, dark, evil ones!

Those secrets I’d been forced to keep as a child ‘or else‘.

Secrets I am finally finding my voice to speak out!

Proverbs 31:8-9 tells us to speak out for those who do not yet have their own voice with which to speak.

I am choosing to lend my voice to any one who needs it!

I speak about all forms of child abuse: neglect….my emotional and mental needs were neglected as well as often times I went hungry although we had plenty of food.

Physical abuse where I was hit either with switches until my little legs were bleeding or beaten with a belt, of course, where no bruises would show.

Verbal abuse was a constant of hearing what a horrible person I was, that I wasn’t ever wanted and how my mother so wished I’d of been a boy or never even born, called all sorts of vile named and more!

Sexual abuse has always been a part of who I am. Or rather who I was!

My mother and grandmother trafficked me out to men in the community to ‘help pay the monthly light bill’. This went on until I was eleven. It ended when I put a shotgun to my grandmother’s forehead threatening to shoot her if anyone ever touched me again!

The sexual and physical abuse stopped but the verbal/mental abuse grew even worse!

Now I have way more peace and hope than ever before in my life. I know Whose I am and I also know I’m okay!

Photo by Yelena Odintsova on Pexels.com

I have gained a tremendous amount of healing for which I’m eternally thankful.

Life is so good!!

I have risen up out of the ashes more incredible than ever before.

I long to see others who are walking wounded gain their own personal healing and freedom.

This is a new and exciting time in my life. One where I am stepping out of my comfort zone doing things I’ve often dreamed about. Like speaking to anyone who’ll give a listen. Traveling and sharing my story so others can step into his or her own freedom!

This is a brand new path. I hope I’ll see you along the way.

I am available for speaking opportunities.

I have one local at a Celebrate Recovery spot at Faith. Hope. Love. Church of God in Somerset. Then I will be speaking in Winchester, Ohio at Daystar Christian Center on August 15th. And on October 9 and 10th I’ll be speaking at Lake Road Baptist Church in Morrow, Ohio.

I am available for conferences, workshops, clubs, schools, churches, organizations, etc. Wherever there is a need to help others share their secrets! I will be your voice!

What secrets have you been holding?

I’d love to hear from you.

You can let me know here or email me at pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com.

No one deserves to carry a burden of guilt and shame from being forced to keeping secrets!

There is freedom!!

I’m happier and more content now than I’ve ever been in my life!

Life is indeed good!!

Blessings to you this day!

Photo by Brett Sayles on Pexels.com

Abusive Mothers and Mother’s Day

This Sunday is the day set aside to celebrate mothers.

I’m seeing lots of commercials, shows, gift and card ideas for that special mother. While I do agree that honoring a mother is a grand thing to do, I want to speak to those who may not have a kind and healthy mother.

You see, I can relate to that indiviual.

My mother was abusive and anything but kind. For many years of my adult life I did what I thought others wanted me to do: Make the best out of a bad situation. Or, forgive and forget. Or stop replaying all the old hurts and just be nice. Or why can’t you just forgive her and be the good daughter?

Here’s a picture of my mom and I when I was around nine or ten years old.

I was a cute kid!

I’ve had people most of my life telling me things like, “Oh, you’re supposed to love your mother”; or, “after all, she’s your mother, she birthed you so the least you could do is take care of her”; or, “Well, maybe she was abused in her childhood, you don’t know, show some respect” and lots more!

That’s totally messed up!

I can’t find anywhere in my Bible telling me I must remain in an abusive relationship!

We can read several scriptures in the Word of how we’re to ‘honor our parents so our days will be long upon the earth’.

According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, honor is to regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect : to regard or treat with honor. b : to give special recognition to : to confer honor on. 2a : to live up to or fulfill the terms of honor a commitment. It says nothing about remaining in an abusive relationship!

Even trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings on this topic is challenging.

And I do believe I honored my mother as best I could even though we had a very hard relationship. I can now better understand that she was just mirroring what she saw her own mother do. After talking with mom about whether or not she knew I was being abused as a child, she confessed, “Of course I knew! It happened to me! Why shouldn’t it happen to you too? You’re no better than I am!”

Wow….alrighty then!

I’m so thankful I’ve gained much needed healing in this area. I still don’t have all the answers but the pain isn’t as bad as it has been either. My beloved understands that on this day I’ll probably wanta go hang out in nature, or spend the day with him alone…if our son and his family were near it’d be with them…but no, I just don’t make a big deal out of Mother’s Day.

For many, most I hope, Mother’s Day is a day to honor your mother. For me and others like me, not so much!

I’d never wish harm to my mother but I sure have wished she’d been a lot nicer and healthier.

On the very day she died the Hospice nurse came to me and asked, “Did you know your mother had been diagnosed with at least 12 different personalities?”

Well, no I sure didn’t but that explained so very much.

I did know she’d experienced a lot of child abuse herself. Two of her abusers were also my own, her mother and a brother! She was walking out learned behavior. She choose to repeat a pattern which can be unlearned and replaced with healthy behavior but she didn’t choose to walk that path. I choose to break that pattern!

Some years back I offered to help her find a good therapist to help her overcome so much pain and loss but she refused saying, “I’m just fine. It’s everyone else that has a problem.” Well, no, not so much!

So, on Mother’s Day I will be thankful for my son who made me a mother! I am very proud of him! He made me a mom!

I will also mourn the two babies I was not allowed to give birth to, Mary Grace and James Andrew, as they were ripped from my body at my mother’s insistence.

And I will be grateful for another year to celebrate the fact that with all I went through, I remain fairly healthy and sane. Well that last part could be debatable at times! lol

I will also celebrate another wonderful year with my beloved who makes me feel like a princess! I am deeply loved, well cared for and spoiled by my love!

If I were to give any words of comfort to any one hurting today because of an unhealthy mother it would be to forgive, simply forgive.

Easy?

Nope! Not at all but oh, so necessary!

For that person?

Nope!

For you and your family!

I used to believe that if I forgave those who’d hurt me that meant they were getting away with the wrongs they’d done scot free! I was wrong! Forgiving him or her for the terrible things they’d done to me was for me! Holding a grudge and wishing them bad was like me drinking poison, hoping they’d be sick or die. Silly right?

Forgiveness was for my freedom!

Jesus died on the cross for my freedom.

God says He will gain vengeance so I don’t have to worry about it.

Forgive others!

Forgive yourself!

I’m realizing I’m pretty stinkin’ alright! Others may not think so but that’s no big deal! Jesus does! My beloved does! That’s pretty amazing to me!

Today if your mother hurt you in anyway I am praying for you! I know it’s hard to let go of all those memories but I encourage you to do so. At least begin the process by opening up your hands so you’re not gripping the memories so tightly. Allow yourself to breath deeply knowing you are a good person! And remember, you are not your mother! Nor are you the abuse that was heaped on you!

You are a beautiful individual.

If this day is challenging I urge you to do something fun just for you. Let this day be for your healing and hope in a better tomorrow. It is possible!

Until next time, I bless you!

Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com

‘Finding Hope After Abortion’

Sometimes writing a particular book can be very challenging as it was with this one! Over the years whenever I’d teach or speak I rarely, if ever, shared about this traumatic event in my life.

Why?

Because it was far too personal and deeply painful.

You see, talking about the destruction of two of my babies just about ripped my heart right out of my chest. But as time marched on, as is written about in Ecclesiastes 3, I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there who needed to hear my story of hope. And my beloved husband was loving and encouraging me to put my story down on paper to share with the world at large. And so this book was birthed!

Finding Hope After Abortion: Honoring Mary Grace and James Andrew’ does just that. Published this year by Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting Company, my story is out there for all to read. And, yes, I’ve already received some hateful comments; however, I’ve also read some similar heart wrenching stories!

I wrote this book first to share God’s amazing power of forgiveness. I learned that I can and need to forgive others for all the pain that was heaped on me and, I learned that it’s just as necessary to learn to forgive myself. Forgiveness was hard! I didn’t wanta forgive anyone. In the beginning of that healing process, I believed if I forgave my mother and the doctor for the active role they both played in aborting my precious children it would excuse their actions. That was a lie.

I was a young teen girl when this happened in my life. I was deeply wounded and hurt. Carrying all that pain around for many years caused a lot of physical and emotional damage. Forgiving them actually removed the power of those memories and enabled me to heal and grow as Jesus meant for me to do. He died on the cross so I can learn the power of forgiveness.

Now, forgiving me was another story. I have done so but I simply can not forget the fact that I do not, will not ever, have two little ones who were growing safely within my womb! Today, my babies would be in their mid-forty’s.

If you or someone you know has experienced an abortion I encourage you to find hope within the written pages of this book. You do not need to suffer alone.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

If desired, anyone can obtain forgiveness.

Here’s what I did: I prayed asking Jesus to ‘forgive me for my part in the destruction of my babies. Forgive me and remove all the pain forever more. Help me to learn to love myself and others as I need to so I can grow.’

It was an ongoing process for me. Still is at times but I’m growing and it’s gonna be okay.

Do you believe you have overcome the pain of an abortion?

What steps have you taken to forgive others and yourself for this act?

As always, I’d love to hear from you.

Blessings to you!

#Grievinghurts : The Loss of a Daughter’s Dream Mother

 

Recently, my husband and I placed my mother under Hospice care. That was a hard decision! My mother and I have had a perilous relationship all my life. We never connected in a healthy mother-daughter relationship which has caused me to repeat many of those unhealthy learned behaviors. I’m thankful for those in my life and my relationship with Jesus for helping me see the need to create healthy behaviors and boundaries, and to quickly forgive! Nope…not always easy but necessary!

woman carrying baby at beach during sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

These past weeks as I’ve watched this woman who carried me in her womb and gave birth to me deteriorate, weaken, fall many times, retreat to her childhood, shrink back in morbid fear from whatever demons may be haunting her….I’ve realized I’ve been given a precious gift. And I grabbed it with both hands.

I have traced child abuse back five generations on both sides of my family. Abuse has been a generational curse but for me, it has stopped. I’ve had to do a lot of forgiving but it’s necessary if I am to gain healing and freedom. I chose to forgive my mother which has also led me to forgive her mother and even her mother for not knowing how to bestow on each daughter, in turn, healthy nurturing a mother should be able to willingly do.

We become what we are taught in our childhood whether good or bad. When we are children it is never our fault for the bad things that happen. But when we become an adult, it is our responsibility to seek our Father’s healing through prayer, studying the Word, and seeking godly counselors with an on purpose determination to overcome the lies of the enemy to become the man or woman God designed us to be.

I found this article in Psychology Today about the wounds daughters receive when the mother-daughter relationship is unhealthy.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201304/daughters-unloving-mothers-7-common-wounds

We as mothers do have the ability to turn things around. It is our responsibility to gain healing for ourselves plus teach our daughters and granddaughters how wonderfully special they are! It’s time to stop the cycle of teaching them they are worthless or stupid and will never amount to anything and so much worse! Those are lies from the enemy! Search the Word of God to gain His truth of what He says about you and your children!

For the past several weeks when we’ve visited my mom we’ve been blessed with some good visits: Not all visits have been good. When she’s been alert, she has given us a very special gift! She has apologized to my beloved husband and myself for the hurts she’s caused in our life!

(There have been many wounds that have created a deep chasm down through the fabric of time that can never be changed nor the consequences for those actions. But we learn what we can to grow into a better person and make the choice to not repeat the cycle.)

woman and children taking photo
Photo by kelvin octa on Pexels.com

That for me is huge!! I view these conversations as a sweet gift from God to redeem the past and apply the balm of Gilead to those wounds my soul has carried for many years. And healing my mother’s soul!

I have no idea when she will pass. Doctors say it could happen today or several months from now. She has two large blood clots in her lungs. She’s beginning to eat less and falls frequently. It hurts my heart to see her having to live this way but I know God’s got it! I’m thankful for the blessings I’ve been given. Doesn’t mean it hurts less for I still have a lot of emotional pain but I’m learning to let go and give it to Him! And I am grateful for every visit I get with her especially when she’s alert and we can laugh and enjoy being together!

I’ve made her funeral plans. I know some may think that morbid but I’d rather do it now when there’s less stress than wait till the time is here when the stress will be greater. She says she’s ready to go and is leaving the arrangements up to my husband and me. It will be a sweet home-going! I plan to speak at her home-doing celebration to share the positive things about her and to share also that mental health is so very important!

When you grow up hearing such ugly words from your mother plus all the other abuses, it rips your soul especially from a mother to a daughter. But when you do receive the opportunity to hear your mother look you squarely in the eye and say, “I am sorry I hurt you!” Or, “You are so beautiful!” Or, “I’m so proud of you!” Or, “I know your books are going to help so many people!” It makes your soul gain deep inner healing and soar as it was meant to be!

 

fb_img_1563650020276
My momma and me

I am praying for the relationship you have with your mother, whether she’s alive or passed, whether you’re a son or daughter! It matters! I care! May God through His precious Son, Jesus Christ, touch your soul in a deep way to bring healing!

Please feel to follow us in our new group, Broken Pieces No More, on facebook.

I’d love to hear your story! You can reach me at PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42501 or brokenpiecesnomore@gmail.com

No one should ever have to walk alone with all the hurt and sorrow!

 

20190718_131257