#Grievinghurts : The Loss of a Daughter’s Dream Mother

 

Recently, my husband and I placed my mother under Hospice care. That was a hard decision! My mother and I have had a perilous relationship all my life. We never connected in a healthy mother-daughter relationship which has caused me to repeat many of those unhealthy learned behaviors. I’m thankful for those in my life and my relationship with Jesus for helping me see the need to create healthy behaviors and boundaries, and to quickly forgive! Nope…not always easy but necessary!

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These past weeks as I’ve watched this woman who carried me in her womb and gave birth to me deteriorate, weaken, fall many times, retreat to her childhood, shrink back in morbid fear from whatever demons may be haunting her….I’ve realized I’ve been given a precious gift. And I grabbed it with both hands.

I have traced child abuse back five generations on both sides of my family. Abuse has been a generational curse but for me, it has stopped. I’ve had to do a lot of forgiving but it’s necessary if I am to gain healing and freedom. I chose to forgive my mother which has also led me to forgive her mother and even her mother for not knowing how to bestow on each daughter, in turn, healthy nurturing a mother should be able to willingly do.

We become what we are taught in our childhood whether good or bad. When we are children it is never our fault for the bad things that happen. But when we become an adult, it is our responsibility to seek our Father’s healing through prayer, studying the Word, and seeking godly counselors with an on purpose determination to overcome the lies of the enemy to become the man or woman God designed us to be.

I found this article in Psychology Today about the wounds daughters receive when the mother-daughter relationship is unhealthy.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201304/daughters-unloving-mothers-7-common-wounds

We as mothers do have the ability to turn things around. It is our responsibility to gain healing for ourselves plus teach our daughters and granddaughters how wonderfully special they are! It’s time to stop the cycle of teaching them they are worthless or stupid and will never amount to anything and so much worse! Those are lies from the enemy! Search the Word of God to gain His truth of what He says about you and your children!

For the past several weeks when we’ve visited my mom we’ve been blessed with some good visits: Not all visits have been good. When she’s been alert, she has given us a very special gift! She has apologized to my beloved husband and myself for the hurts she’s caused in our life!

(There have been many wounds that have created a deep chasm down through the fabric of time that can never be changed nor the consequences for those actions. But we learn what we can to grow into a better person and make the choice to not repeat the cycle.)

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That for me is huge!! I view these conversations as a sweet gift from God to redeem the past and apply the balm of Gilead to those wounds my soul has carried for many years. And healing my mother’s soul!

I have no idea when she will pass. Doctors say it could happen today or several months from now. She has two large blood clots in her lungs. She’s beginning to eat less and falls frequently. It hurts my heart to see her having to live this way but I know God’s got it! I’m thankful for the blessings I’ve been given. Doesn’t mean it hurts less for I still have a lot of emotional pain but I’m learning to let go and give it to Him! And I am grateful for every visit I get with her especially when she’s alert and we can laugh and enjoy being together!

I’ve made her funeral plans. I know some may think that morbid but I’d rather do it now when there’s less stress than wait till the time is here when the stress will be greater. She says she’s ready to go and is leaving the arrangements up to my husband and me. It will be a sweet home-going! I plan to speak at her home-doing celebration to share the positive things about her and to share also that mental health is so very important!

When you grow up hearing such ugly words from your mother plus all the other abuses, it rips your soul especially from a mother to a daughter. But when you do receive the opportunity to hear your mother look you squarely in the eye and say, “I am sorry I hurt you!” Or, “You are so beautiful!” Or, “I’m so proud of you!” Or, “I know your books are going to help so many people!” It makes your soul gain deep inner healing and soar as it was meant to be!

 

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My momma and me

I am praying for the relationship you have with your mother, whether she’s alive or passed, whether you’re a son or daughter! It matters! I care! May God through His precious Son, Jesus Christ, touch your soul in a deep way to bring healing!

Please feel to follow us in our new group, Broken Pieces No More, on facebook.

I’d love to hear your story! You can reach me at PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42501 or brokenpiecesnomore@gmail.com

No one should ever have to walk alone with all the hurt and sorrow!

 

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#peaceindeath

I woke this morning refreshed and energized, even excited! My body is tired but my mind renewed and for that, I am very thankful. You see, over the past four days my world has turned upside down so to speak. On Friday, the nursing home where my mother stays had to have her transported to the Emergency Room. There, after testing, they discovered two large blood clots, one on each lung. After consulting with the doctor he told us that she would probably be gone before morning. She’d refused medicine and even the oxygen that was vital for her living.

We all need our momma!

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Wow! What a shock! I’d contacted our son who lives 700 miles away. The doctor told us he didn’t believe our son could get to the hospital in time before my mother passed. Goodness! So my husband and I prepare for the finality of her home-going as best we can. We stayed at the hospital until late in the night when she grew agitated so we left thinking maybe we were causing her to not rest.

The next morning I hadn’t received a call that she’d passed so we were kinda shocked and even more so when we got to the unit where she was only to see her standing at the nurses’ station talking with them. Oh, my goodness! This woman sure is tough!

After a consult with the doctor, who was as shocked as we were of her continuing to live given the conditions of her lungs, we decided the best route to take would be to have Hospice give her comfort care for her last days. So later in the day, they transported her back to the nursing home.

We and the doctor asked her repeatedly if she’d like the medicine that would prolong her life. Her response was, “No, I want to go home!” Well, I’m thinking to the home she grew up in. So I ask her, “Mom, what home?”

She responds, “I wanta go to Heaven to see Jesus and Tommy! (My stepdad.)

As my husband and I have daily visited her we have been very shocked at her mood. She laughs, she jokes and we enjoy being with her. At our last visit, she was tracking well and in a good mood. Some things were mentioned about the past where there’d been some deep heart woundings for both my husband and me. She looked at my husband and said, “I’m so sorry! Will you ever forgive me?” Wow…and yes he has and told her so.

Then the conversation shifted to some rough years I’d had to endure at her manipulating after my husband I were separated long years ago. (We are now remarried. He is my precious soulmate!) She looked at me and said, “And that was my fault and I’m so sorry you were hurt!” Again, wow!!!

And we’ve talked about the books I’m writing. She asked me to remind her of my first one. I told her it was about the child abuse I’d experienced. “And the second”, she asked.

“It’s about the domestic violence I experienced”, I replied.

She paused a few minutes then looked up at me and said, “Your books will help a lot of people!” Wow…just wow!

My point in all of this is never give up! Pray for God’s redemption and restoration. My mother is dying. It could be today or a few months from now but she is indeed dying. I know God has blessed us with a very special gift. I believe I am seeing what my mother woulda been like had she not gone through her own horrific abuse! She made bad choices, we all have; however, she did not gain the healing needed to overcome brokenness from the past.

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We all need freedom and forgiveness!

I encourage you, forgive those who have hurt you! Please don’t waste precious time! None of us are guaranteed of tomorrow. You may not be able to have a healed relationship with them because they may still be too toxic but you can walk in the sweet benefits of forgiving! Forgiveness is for you so you may live your life in victory and freedom and sweet healing!

I would love to hear your story of how you have been able to forgive!

For me….I had to….

1. Ask God to give me the want to, to even begin to forgive!

It wasn’t easy and took lots of practice! I knew Jesus had forgiven me and it was necessary for me to do the same to others who’d hurt me.

2. I had to remember I am not ruled or lead by my emotions but His truth.

There were many days on top of many days when I did not ‘feel’ like forgiving her or anyone who’s abused me. That doesn’t make it so. I had to remember, sometimes even as I was screaming and kicking my way through the mess, that His truth would set me free!

3. I needed to accept I was worth forgiving!

So many times those of us who have been hurt through abuse often feel unworthy. We struggle with whether or not anyone could ever really love us because we feel so dirty. Those are lies from the devil! He wants us to stay in bondage so he can lead us down a very dark, destructive path. He is a lier!!

In accepting I am worth forgiving it is often easier to then forgive others as well as self!

Jesus paid a very high price for my freedom: With His very life!

I am learning that I am indeed worth loving and forgiving myself because my Jesus says so! And so are you!

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Feel free to drop a line to Broken Pieces No More PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42502 or you may email to brokenpiecesnomore@gmail.com

#rape #abortion Now #secretsnomore

Triggers: rape, abortion and child abuse

We all have secrets.

I’ve learned if those secrets aren’t told, if they’re not allowed to be released then our body and mind will become infected! It’s been proven that many of our physical issues can be traced back to our holding onto secrets.

Secrets are poison!

I recently posted 3 physical areas I fought to overcome due to many years of childhood trauma. There is a vital connection.

I’m learning the freedom of telling my #secrets though not everyone is able to do so.

That’s one reason I am a #voiceforthevoiceless because not everyone has yet found his or her voice.

And not always is it easy for me to share my secrets. When I share it makes me very vunerable; however, I know how vitally important it is to speak the truth!

#Truth brings healing and freedom and a deep compassion for others who are hurting.

But it’s not all fun and good vibes! I get hate mail through emails and message on social media but I figure that’s just a few obstacles in my path.

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I woke up this morning from a dream where I was talking out loud and weeping. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t get the dream outta my consciousness so I just got up and poured my first cup of steaming hot coffee of the day.

In the dream I was a young teenager. I was standing in the principle’s office at my high school looking at a lot of fellow students through a large glass window while holding the desk microphone talking. And I was crying.

I woke up saying, “All I ever wanted was a mom to love me and accept me just as I am!”

In the dream as I’m emotionally talking suddenly the door opens and a young teen girl with long blonde hair comes towards me saying, “You have to stop talking now! You’re causing a lot of trouble!”

(No clue the importance of hair color but it was a strong image.)

This young girl was reaching towards me trying to take the Mic away from me telling me that I had to “be quiet!”

“You’re telling too much! You’ve gotta be quiet! You’ve shared too many things!”

But somehow I knew I couldn’t be quiet any longer! I had to tell my truth!

You see not long before this event I’d been raped at the football field and ended up pregnant. My mother convinced the doctor that I needed an abortion otherwise I’d go crazy and hurt myself or the baby! So they make this plan and in a few weeks I’m no longer pregnant.

I’d tried ever so hard to protect my unborn babe. My mom knew I was pregnant before I ever told her. Yet still I desperately tried to protect my baby.

The day arrived when she drove me to another city where I was scheduled to get my abortion. I was so scared but had been taught to obey whatever my mother said no matter what!

There was severe punishment if I didn’t obey.

My name was called and I was taken to an office where a well dressed woman talked to me about the “blob of flesh” they needed to remove. Not one time did she refer to the “blob” as a baby!

I was so confused and very scared! Moments later a nurse comes in to lead me down the hallway to an exam room. She has me to undress then lay on the exam table then gives me a shot.

In a short time a man in a white coat comes in and has me to put my feet in the stirrups at the foot of the exam table. I’m not sure what he’s doing but the most excruiting pain hits my abdomen. I cry out!

He tells me, not too nicely, “Just be still. It’ll be over soon!”

The pain was horrific!

I hear a vacuum like sound then a few minutes later a number of plopping sounds like something being dropped in a bucket of liquid.

It didn’t take long. The doctor leaves the room and the nurse tells me to get dressed. As I’m leaving the room I stumble over something. I look down and there on the floor at the end of the exam table is a five gallon bucket half filled with bloody looking blobs. I almost vomit!

My baby had ended up torn apart retchedly disposed of in a bucket of other babies torn apart and murdered!

I was sixteen years old.

That baby would now be 43 years old!

It’s taken a great deal of counseling, massive amounts of prayer, many sleepless nights, drugs, alcohol and more trying to move past the deep intense pain of what I’d done.

Now I have peace…oh not because of what I did but because I know God has forgiven me! It’s taken a lot for me to learn to let it go, to forgive myself and to use the horrible thing I did to hopefully help someone else!

If you’ve had an abortion there is forgiveness! And there can be peace.

I am praying for you!

I’m here to listen to your story.

Pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

You Were Meant for Love

Kari Kobe has a song out, The More I Seek You, that totally wrecks me!! I listen to it over and over.

We were all created for LOVE….to receive love, to give love! We were created with a deep need to be loved and accepted!

So many times that doesn’t happen in our lives. Maybe we had dysfunctional parents or care givers who were never taught this love thing therefore they did not teach their children how to love.

Have you ever watched an innocent child? They just love…openly…without hesitation. That’s simply how they were created!

But…..

Life comes along and many times stirs things up on the inside….changes our belief system…causes us to put up these gyhugic walls we think is for our protection. Funny thing bout walls is that yes, they will offer a form of protection keeping the bad out. They will also keep the good out and….they will keep us in!

For many years of my life I now realize I’ve lived my life behind these walls hoping for protection yet denying myself thw very thing was created for: Love!

I’d learned very early in my childhood that I was a bad person, dirty, nasty, unlovable….or so I thought! I was listening to and believing those lies!

I was wrong!

I was none of those things!

I’ve been learning I am the opposite..I am amazing…I am unique…I am loveable…I am worthy…I am able to give and receive love!

My beloved, my husband, has worked hard at helping me to tear down my walls. And yes they leave me very vulnerable but I am now feeling way more than ever before.

Love is real! Love can and often does hurt! Love is fulfilling!

You were made to love!

More importantly, you were made to be loved! You are lovely and so worth being loved!

You are uniquely you! There is not another person like you now or ever!

I encourage you to begin today tearing down your walls to let thw light of love in! You don’t have to live a lifeless life…real, true, life changing love!

You are worthy!

You are loved!

I’d love to hear your story!

I am praying for you!

Drop me a line at: pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

3 Ways for Important Self-care

Don’t forget to take care of yourself!

Learning to love myself has been a great challenge for I was taught from birth I was worthless and unloved and unlovable!

Ahhh…but I am discovering what a lier all those folks were! However I’ve also discovered it’s so much easier to listen to and believe those lies than to expel them and believe God’s truth about who I am!

Chances are the same holds true for you!

I often ponder on why we’re wired that way…why does it seem easier, less hard work, simpler to take in, absorb, allow those lies to become a part of our innermost being?

Maybe one reason is that if we are not taught from birth of our worth then we will have a stronger perpensity of believing those lies. And seemingly those lies are always sprinkled with a bit of sugar, a smidge of truth that will help the vile taste of the core lies go down better.

But we do not live in a Mary Poppins kinda world. The world in qhich we live in today is full of rage and hate and longing! Yes I believe we’re all, each and every one of us, are all longing just to be loved and accepted!

Accepted in the beloved! Loved for who we really are deep down on the inside we may carey a different belief.

But wait….if you knew the real me you might not like who I really am. If you knew just how frequently I fight fear or unworthiness or self doubt or those dark thoughts of suicide you probably would never wanta talk to me again.

So I’ll throw on my pretty, happy mask and I’ll paint myself up just so you’ll accept me and I’ll buy the push up bra and I’ll have my skin baked to a golden glow and I’ll get many of my body parts pierced or tattooed and so on and so on!! (Guys do the same thing!)

But I digress….

I’m learning to love and appreciate my own quirkiness. I can’t help it if you don’t! That’s on you not me!

I need to love and appreciate me so I can rise up and be what I’ve been called to be. Same as you do!

How can we truly learn to love others if we first don’t love our self!?!

3 Ways I’m Learning to Love Me

1. Listen to my inner messages

I’ve come to realize there’s no way I’d speak to another person as I have myself! So I’m learning to catch these self defeating words quicker and replace the negative with a more positive, truthful message!

2. Forgive Me Quicker

Oh gracious this is a hard one for me!!

I’m still punishing myself over something that happened almost 40 years ago. I know its wrong but have felt I needed to do this!

The Word tells us to be quick to forgive. Well I’m learning that applies to me the same as anyone else!

3. Do Something Daily for Me

Doesn’t need to cost anything nor take a lot of time. It is important that I chose on purpose to daily show my inner self, the little girl within, that I value who I am!

Maybe I take my first hot cup of coffee outside and breath in the new morning.

Maybe I take an afternoon nap.

Maybe I indulge myself with a good chocolate treat.

Maybe I linger longer in a warm hug from my beloved!

Whatever it may be I need to do one thing for me daily!

I encourage you to begin today learning to love and appreciate you! You are worth it and so very important!

I’d love to hear your story!

Drop me a line here.

You can also follow me on Facebook at: Author Pamela Richards-Woodall

Have a wonderful, love filled day!

This is my story of how hope wins!

I Used to Hate Mother’s Day

I used to hate Mothers Day! Until this weekend when Poppa God spoke very clearly to me that it was actually a choice I had! We all have choices to make.

Why did I hate Mother’s Day?

Because I felt I’d been cheated!

I felt I’d missed out on the fairy tale of having that sweet experience of having a loving mother to protect me from all the bad things in this world.

I did not have that at all so for many years I’d felt sorry for my self! Ahhh poor little me!

Yes, it did and has greatly hurt that I didn’t get to have that better experience; however, please allow me to share three (3) important things my mom did teach me!

1. Look for Hidden Treasures

My mom is now in a nursing home so being an only child I’ve acquired her personal effects. Last fall I was going through one of her many totes of stuff and found one stuffed full of my things!! Yes! My things!

There were baby bottles, a cloth diaper with diaper pins. Many little outfits… some of which she’d sewn herself from the feed sack material she got with huge bags of feed for the goats she raised. Those goats helped provide meat and milk for her, my grandmother and me!

And several pairs of my little shoes. There were several of my toys and books. And gobs of pictures! From birth all the way into my young adulthood. Oh goodness! I’m looking forward to creating a scrapbook of her memories with me!

Those my friends were hidden treasures I will forever cherish!

I grew up thinking my mother didn’t love me because of all the abuse that happened to me. But I believe she loved me the best she knew how, from the way she’d been taught.

Sidenote: I’ve gained more truth down through the years of how she too suffered abuse as a young child for many years!

2. Perseverance is Key

My mom was a hard worker. She worked cleaning peoples houses and often times being treated disrespectfully! But she worked. She also went back to night school when I was around nine years old to get her GED. Later she went on to obtain her CNA training!

She helped around the old home place raising huge gardens, raising goats and chickens all the while with very little help or money. Yep we were poor but I lived through it and learned a lot!

She kept going!

I have learned it takes hard work to overcome the lies of an abusive childhood!

I did not give up!

3. What NOT to do!

I was about 14 years old. We were standing in the kitchen. It was summer. I’d asked to go hang out with some of my friends. She told me ‘no’ and I smarted off so she hauled off and slapped the fire outta my left cheek.

I remember so clearly thinking that when I grew up and had kids and a family they’d always know I loved em!

In looking back there are many choices I’d made differently in my motherhood, yet I did the best I knew how to do! Without a doubt I know God helped me to grow!

I did not pass on that generational curse of abuse!

I did not withhold my love!

I did not not tell my son how much I loved him and how proud of him I was and am!!

I am choosing to celebrate today being a momma to a fabulous son and all the spiritual children Poppa God’s blessed me with!

I’m choosing to celebrate the mother I have dispute all the imperfections!

Because of her I am alive and experiencing the amazing life I’ve been blessed with!

I have an over the top husband and family!

I am one majorly blessed woman!

I pray you mothers today no matter what your circumstances will have a sweet peaceful day!

Under the Spreading Apple Tree….it happened

(Possible trigger warning)

The blooming apple tree, for me, signifies spring is indeed springing though this year there seems to be some confusion on this season if its coming or going. Its been warm then it gets really cold and even attempts to snow but that makes the seasons interesting in Kentucky! It’s never boring!

Just outside my office window this apple tree has beautiful blooms beginning with the buds then the opening plus there is a sweet, deep fragrence! Until just a few days ago I didn’t realize how lovely an apple tree smells.

For me for many long years I hated the apple tree! I dreaded to see the tree burst forth in bloom every spring with out fail. Yes, I know hate is a strong word but that’s how I felt.

That is until this year!

This year I decided to gain some control over those hateful feelings by confronting my memories associated with blooming apple trees!

You see, one of the first memories of my child abuse that returned was of me as a very young girl, laying naked on a clear sheet of plastic down in the backyard under a blooming apple tree. I remember disassociating thinking I was sitting up in that tree watching what was being done to that little girl by her uncle and grandmother thinking how horribly bad that was.

I so wanted to rescue that little girl!

I so wanted to protect her but I wasn’t able to!

I was that little girl!

April is National Child Abuse Awareness month and it’s the month apple trees are normally in bloom. Ironic.

So this week I walked out to the apple tree right outside my office window and had a good talk. I apologized to that little girl of long ago telling her how sorry I was she was ever hurt! I reminded her of her worth and value and that she was oh, so loved! And that she’s gonna do great things by telling her story to others so that they too can find their healing path!

And I spent time once again asking God to help me forgive those who had violated my being, my mind and my little girls body!

And to forgive me for holding onto unforgiveness against my abusers for so long, for not letting go of the pain and resentment sooner.

I chose on purpose to forgive them and move forward. There is way more peace in the forgiveness that in staying in the memories of the past.

Besides I’ve got way too much good to do! I’ve got more books to write! Words to share with others offering hope and help as they take necessary steps to overcome their painful past.

No one ever deserves to be abused! Ever!!

The trauma effects of child abuse afterward can be life altering but they do not necessarily have to steal your life!

You can grow and heal from child abuse!

If you need someone to be your voice until you gain yours I’d be honored to do so!

I’d love to hear your story!

You can reach out to me at: pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

I’ve written my first book, Secrets in the Hollers, as a work of fiction based on a true story, mine!

Together we will become a force to be reckoned with!

Together we can help move many mountains!

#Iamavoiceforthevoiceless

May you have a sweet, peaceful day!

Healing Child Abuse and the Mother

She carried me in her womb for nine months and raised me until I left home. That doesn’t mean she was a good mother. Maybe she did the best she could though!

Just as there is a dash on our tombstone between our birth and death there should be a dash or some such marker from our birth until we leave home.

Jeremiah 1:5 tells us God knew us before He even formed us in our mother’s womb. I used to hate that scripture because I thought it meant that God had placed me where He had, with the mother I have, on purpose knowing what would happen to me before it did. I used to think He’d planned for me to be hurt all along. That was a lie from the devil!

And the answer is ‘yes’ He did know.

I have no clue why God allowed the abuse in my life. I used to demand to know. Now I am thankful I just lived through it as sane and as healed as I am because I now know I could be dead or in an insane asylum.

My mother told me some years ago, “Well you’re no better off than I am so why shouldn’t you have been abused!” Wow…

After reading some letters she wrote to her siblings I now know just a bit of the abuse she had to endure and I know her own mother had endured abuse as well.

My husband and I went to see my mom today. She’s in a nursing home. She has started down the path of Alzheimer’s and it hurts my heart.

She and I have never had the mother / daughter relationship I so craved and still miss. I’ve learned how to glean that particular desire to be cared for and filled from God. His word tells us He is our momma and poppa as we need and right now my need of Him is to be close to me. Today it’s heavy!

Not only did God know me before He formed me; He knew that I would experience much horrific child abuse. He knew that for many years I’d battle with my mother for her part in all my pain and He knew I’d draw close to Him for my healing and learn how to release all the hurts, all the memories to Him so I could learn how to forgive my mother.

So today we visit her. She still looks the same but her mind is not the same at all. She does remember me which I’m very thankful for.

She frequently asked to go home, to the ole home place yet, she doesn’t seem to remember I too grew up there. She doesn’t remember that there’s now no home to go back to because someone burnt it down years ago.

Sometimes it scares me when she gets that look in her eyes as she demands to get out and go home. I can not help her and pray for peace over her mind.

I am so thankful God helped me to let the pain and hate and fear, of my childhood especially pertaining to my mom, go and be healed!

The old rock foundation is all that’s left standing of the home place yet time has gone on and healing has taken place in my soul.

I’m so thankful I’m now strong enough to love on her in her last years!

Everyone deserves love!

Everyone!

Sins of the Mothers…. Forgiveness Happens

The totes were stuffed full of almost every imaginable thing. She’d been goin through them one at a time for sever all weeks because doing so all at once was way too daunting. It wasn’t easy digging through the envelopes of paid bills, doctors information, letters from social security, bill collectors, cards, letters from friends and family and more.

She’d recently sorted through the tote that held the cherished antique photos of her grandparents, two, one from their early days and a much later one after life had it them hard. These photos would soon hang on her wall in special remembrance. 

Today she’d opened the tote that held her very own baby clothes wrapped up in paper and placed in a plastic bag as if trying to protect them. She also found two of her baby bottles, one glass and one hard plastic. Both still had the black ring and stopper though no nipple. And her baby shoes. An old cloth diaper and diaper pins. Oh and she’d been so delighted when she pulled several articles of clothing from her early childhood years. Only one piece had been store bought, the others either hand sewn or machine stitched.

And she even found her baby book with information of her birth. That was a special treasure! There was her name written in pencil by her mother all those many years ago.

This discovery was shocking to the woman who was now going through these items tryin to decide what to keep and what to toss. Truthfully and sadly, this woman all her life had wondered if her mother really loved and cared about her. Now that truth seemed to point in the direction of affirmative. 

During the reading of old letters the daughter had discovered secrets her mother shared of her many years of sexual abuse by a close family member. This had been the hardest for the daughter to read and absord about her own mother. The daughter had herself suffered various forms of childhood abuse at the hands of this one perpetrator. The cycle had continued. 

For many years the daughter had fought with her mother, mainly wanting, no needing her mother to love and protect her from those pawing, prodding hands but that never happened. Now the daughter better understood that very possibly the mother simply did not know how to do so. Her own mother hadn’t protected her.

These new revelations softened the daughters heart towards her mother. Oh, no, it certainly didn’t excuse the mothers liability in not having fully protected her daughter. It did, however, help the daughter better understand her mother: A woman who at a young age was raped by this man and the abuse continued many years!

Now her mother resides in a nursing home, often times drifting into her own world. The daughter prays that the world her mother may be a part of is one full of sunshine and wildflower and butterflies and laughter. 

Finally the load seems somehow lighter that she, the daughter, had been carrying concerning her mother and the lack of love she’d felt all her life. Now the daughter was more able to release that burden and let it drift away. 

Now even more healing could take place within the depths of the daughter. Now peace had more room to reside within the daughters heart. 

Forgiveness was at work here.