Tag: forgiveness

3 Ways for Important Self-care

~ pamelarichardswoodall ~ Leave a comment

Don’t forget to take care of yourself!

Learning to love myself has been a great challenge for I was taught from birth I was worthless and unloved and unlovable!

Ahhh…but I am discovering what a lier all those folks were! However I’ve also discovered it’s so much easier to listen to and believe those lies than to expel them and believe God’s truth about who I am!

Chances are the same holds true for you!

I often ponder on why we’re wired that way…why does it seem easier, less hard work, simpler to take in, absorb, allow those lies to become a part of our innermost being?

Maybe one reason is that if we are not taught from birth of our worth then we will have a stronger perpensity of believing those lies. And seemingly those lies are always sprinkled with a bit of sugar, a smidge of truth that will help the vile taste of the core lies go down better.

But we do not live in a Mary Poppins kinda world. The world in qhich we live in today is full of rage and hate and longing! Yes I believe we’re all, each and every one of us, are all longing just to be loved and accepted!

Accepted in the beloved! Loved for who we really are deep down on the inside we may carey a different belief.

But wait….if you knew the real me you might not like who I really am. If you knew just how frequently I fight fear or unworthiness or self doubt or those dark thoughts of suicide you probably would never wanta talk to me again.

So I’ll throw on my pretty, happy mask and I’ll paint myself up just so you’ll accept me and I’ll buy the push up bra and I’ll have my skin baked to a golden glow and I’ll get many of my body parts pierced or tattooed and so on and so on!! (Guys do the same thing!)

But I digress….

I’m learning to love and appreciate my own quirkiness. I can’t help it if you don’t! That’s on you not me!

I need to love and appreciate me so I can rise up and be what I’ve been called to be. Same as you do!

How can we truly learn to love others if we first don’t love our self!?!

3 Ways I’m Learning to Love Me

1. Listen to my inner messages

I’ve come to realize there’s no way I’d speak to another person as I have myself! So I’m learning to catch these self defeating words quicker and replace the negative with a more positive, truthful message!

2. Forgive Me Quicker

Oh gracious this is a hard one for me!!

I’m still punishing myself over something that happened almost 40 years ago. I know its wrong but have felt I needed to do this!

The Word tells us to be quick to forgive. Well I’m learning that applies to me the same as anyone else!

3. Do Something Daily for Me

Doesn’t need to cost anything nor take a lot of time. It is important that I chose on purpose to daily show my inner self, the little girl within, that I value who I am!

Maybe I take my first hot cup of coffee outside and breath in the new morning.

Maybe I take an afternoon nap.

Maybe I indulge myself with a good chocolate treat.

Maybe I linger longer in a warm hug from my beloved!

Whatever it may be I need to do one thing for me daily!

I encourage you to begin today learning to love and appreciate you! You are worth it and so very important!

I’d love to hear your story!

Drop me a line here.

You can also follow me on Facebook at: Author Pamela Richards-Woodall

Have a wonderful, love filled day!

This is my story of how hope wins!

I Used to Hate Mother’s Day

~ pamelarichardswoodall ~ Leave a comment

I used to hate Mothers Day! Until this weekend when Poppa God spoke very clearly to me that it was actually a choice I had! We all have choices to make.

Why did I hate Mother’s Day?

Because I felt I’d been cheated!

I felt I’d missed out on the fairy tale of having that sweet experience of having a loving mother to protect me from all the bad things in this world.

I did not have that at all so for many years I’d felt sorry for my self! Ahhh poor little me!

Yes, it did and has greatly hurt that I didn’t get to have that better experience; however, please allow me to share three (3) important things my mom did teach me!

1. Look for Hidden Treasures

My mom is now in a nursing home so being an only child I’ve acquired her personal effects. Last fall I was going through one of her many totes of stuff and found one stuffed full of my things!! Yes! My things!

There were baby bottles, a cloth diaper with diaper pins. Many little outfits… some of which she’d sewn herself from the feed sack material she got with huge bags of feed for the goats she raised. Those goats helped provide meat and milk for her, my grandmother and me!

And several pairs of my little shoes. There were several of my toys and books. And gobs of pictures! From birth all the way into my young adulthood. Oh goodness! I’m looking forward to creating a scrapbook of her memories with me!

Those my friends were hidden treasures I will forever cherish!

I grew up thinking my mother didn’t love me because of all the abuse that happened to me. But I believe she loved me the best she knew how, from the way she’d been taught.

Sidenote: I’ve gained more truth down through the years of how she too suffered abuse as a young child for many years!

2. Perseverance is Key

My mom was a hard worker. She worked cleaning peoples houses and often times being treated disrespectfully! But she worked. She also went back to night school when I was around nine years old to get her GED. Later she went on to obtain her CNA training!

She helped around the old home place raising huge gardens, raising goats and chickens all the while with very little help or money. Yep we were poor but I lived through it and learned a lot!

She kept going!

I have learned it takes hard work to overcome the lies of an abusive childhood!

I did not give up!

3. What NOT to do!

I was about 14 years old. We were standing in the kitchen. It was summer. I’d asked to go hang out with some of my friends. She told me ‘no’ and I smarted off so she hauled off and slapped the fire outta my left cheek.

I remember so clearly thinking that when I grew up and had kids and a family they’d always know I loved em!

In looking back there are many choices I’d made differently in my motherhood, yet I did the best I knew how to do! Without a doubt I know God helped me to grow!

I did not pass on that generational curse of abuse!

I did not withhold my love!

I did not not tell my son how much I loved him and how proud of him I was and am!!

I am choosing to celebrate today being a momma to a fabulous son and all the spiritual children Poppa God’s blessed me with!

I’m choosing to celebrate the mother I have dispute all the imperfections!

Because of her I am alive and experiencing the amazing life I’ve been blessed with!

I have an over the top husband and family!

I am one majorly blessed woman!

I pray you mothers today no matter what your circumstances will have a sweet peaceful day!

Under the Spreading Apple Tree….it happened

~ pamelarichardswoodall ~ 1 Comment

(Possible trigger warning)

The blooming apple tree, for me, signifies spring is indeed springing though this year there seems to be some confusion on this season if its coming or going. Its been warm then it gets really cold and even attempts to snow but that makes the seasons interesting in Kentucky! It’s never boring!

Just outside my office window this apple tree has beautiful blooms beginning with the buds then the opening plus there is a sweet, deep fragrence! Until just a few days ago I didn’t realize how lovely an apple tree smells.

For me for many long years I hated the apple tree! I dreaded to see the tree burst forth in bloom every spring with out fail. Yes, I know hate is a strong word but that’s how I felt.

That is until this year!

This year I decided to gain some control over those hateful feelings by confronting my memories associated with blooming apple trees!

You see, one of the first memories of my child abuse that returned was of me as a very young girl, laying naked on a clear sheet of plastic down in the backyard under a blooming apple tree. I remember disassociating thinking I was sitting up in that tree watching what was being done to that little girl by her uncle and grandmother thinking how horribly bad that was.

I so wanted to rescue that little girl!

I so wanted to protect her but I wasn’t able to!

I was that little girl!

April is National Child Abuse Awareness month and it’s the month apple trees are normally in bloom. Ironic.

So this week I walked out to the apple tree right outside my office window and had a good talk. I apologized to that little girl of long ago telling her how sorry I was she was ever hurt! I reminded her of her worth and value and that she was oh, so loved! And that she’s gonna do great things by telling her story to others so that they too can find their healing path!

And I spent time once again asking God to help me forgive those who had violated my being, my mind and my little girls body!

And to forgive me for holding onto unforgiveness against my abusers for so long, for not letting go of the pain and resentment sooner.

I chose on purpose to forgive them and move forward. There is way more peace in the forgiveness that in staying in the memories of the past.

Besides I’ve got way too much good to do! I’ve got more books to write! Words to share with others offering hope and help as they take necessary steps to overcome their painful past.

No one ever deserves to be abused! Ever!!

The trauma effects of child abuse afterward can be life altering but they do not necessarily have to steal your life!

You can grow and heal from child abuse!

If you need someone to be your voice until you gain yours I’d be honored to do so!

I’d love to hear your story!

You can reach out to me at: pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

I’ve written my first book, Secrets in the Hollers, as a work of fiction based on a true story, mine!

Together we will become a force to be reckoned with!

Together we can help move many mountains!

#Iamavoiceforthevoiceless

May you have a sweet, peaceful day!

Healing Child Abuse and the Mother

~ pamelarichardswoodall ~ 2 Comments

She carried me in her womb for nine months and raised me until I left home. That doesn’t mean she was a good mother. Maybe she did the best she could though!

Just as there is a dash on our tombstone between our birth and death there should be a dash or some such marker from our birth until we leave home.

Jeremiah 1:5 tells us God knew us before He even formed us in our mother’s womb. I used to hate that scripture because I thought it meant that God had placed me where He had, with the mother I have, on purpose knowing what would happen to me before it did. I used to think He’d planned for me to be hurt all along. That was a lie from the devil!

And the answer is ‘yes’ He did know.

I have no clue why God allowed the abuse in my life. I used to demand to know. Now I am thankful I just lived through it as sane and as healed as I am because I now know I could be dead or in an insane asylum.

My mother told me some years ago, “Well you’re no better off than I am so why shouldn’t you have been abused!” Wow…

After reading some letters she wrote to her siblings I now know just a bit of the abuse she had to endure and I know her own mother had endured abuse as well.

My husband and I went to see my mom today. She’s in a nursing home. She has started down the path of Alzheimer’s and it hurts my heart.

She and I have never had the mother / daughter relationship I so craved and still miss. I’ve learned how to glean that particular desire to be cared for and filled from God. His word tells us He is our momma and poppa as we need and right now my need of Him is to be close to me. Today it’s heavy!

Not only did God know me before He formed me; He knew that I would experience much horrific child abuse. He knew that for many years I’d battle with my mother for her part in all my pain and He knew I’d draw close to Him for my healing and learn how to release all the hurts, all the memories to Him so I could learn how to forgive my mother.

So today we visit her. She still looks the same but her mind is not the same at all. She does remember me which I’m very thankful for.

She frequently asked to go home, to the ole home place yet, she doesn’t seem to remember I too grew up there. She doesn’t remember that there’s now no home to go back to because someone burnt it down years ago.

Sometimes it scares me when she gets that look in her eyes as she demands to get out and go home. I can not help her and pray for peace over her mind.

I am so thankful God helped me to let the pain and hate and fear, of my childhood especially pertaining to my mom, go and be healed!

The old rock foundation is all that’s left standing of the home place yet time has gone on and healing has taken place in my soul.

I’m so thankful I’m now strong enough to love on her in her last years!

Everyone deserves love!

Everyone!

Sins of the Mothers…. Forgiveness Happens

~ pamelarichardswoodall ~ Leave a comment

The totes were stuffed full of almost every imaginable thing. She’d been goin through them one at a time for sever all weeks because doing so all at once was way too daunting. It wasn’t easy digging through the envelopes of paid bills, doctors information, letters from social security, bill collectors, cards, letters from friends and family and more.

She’d recently sorted through the tote that held the cherished antique photos of her grandparents, two, one from their early days and a much later one after life had it them hard. These photos would soon hang on her wall in special remembrance. 

Today she’d opened the tote that held her very own baby clothes wrapped up in paper and placed in a plastic bag as if trying to protect them. She also found two of her baby bottles, one glass and one hard plastic. Both still had the black ring and stopper though no nipple. And her baby shoes. An old cloth diaper and diaper pins. Oh and she’d been so delighted when she pulled several articles of clothing from her early childhood years. Only one piece had been store bought, the others either hand sewn or machine stitched.

And she even found her baby book with information of her birth. That was a special treasure! There was her name written in pencil by her mother all those many years ago.

This discovery was shocking to the woman who was now going through these items tryin to decide what to keep and what to toss. Truthfully and sadly, this woman all her life had wondered if her mother really loved and cared about her. Now that truth seemed to point in the direction of affirmative. 

During the reading of old letters the daughter had discovered secrets her mother shared of her many years of sexual abuse by a close family member. This had been the hardest for the daughter to read and absord about her own mother. The daughter had herself suffered various forms of childhood abuse at the hands of this one perpetrator. The cycle had continued. 

For many years the daughter had fought with her mother, mainly wanting, no needing her mother to love and protect her from those pawing, prodding hands but that never happened. Now the daughter better understood that very possibly the mother simply did not know how to do so. Her own mother hadn’t protected her.

These new revelations softened the daughters heart towards her mother. Oh, no, it certainly didn’t excuse the mothers liability in not having fully protected her daughter. It did, however, help the daughter better understand her mother: A woman who at a young age was raped by this man and the abuse continued many years!

Now her mother resides in a nursing home, often times drifting into her own world. The daughter prays that the world her mother may be a part of is one full of sunshine and wildflower and butterflies and laughter. 

Finally the load seems somehow lighter that she, the daughter, had been carrying concerning her mother and the lack of love she’d felt all her life. Now the daughter was more able to release that burden and let it drift away. 

Now even more healing could take place within the depths of the daughter. Now peace had more room to reside within the daughters heart. 

Forgiveness was at work here.