You Are Worthy!

Sometimes it’s a challenge to remember I am worthy…I am valuable…I am loveable…I am good enough!

Sometimes the lies from my past spoken over me by those who were supposed to have loved and protected me…yeah those lies try really hard to drill down in my brain and mess me up.

Haha…I’m learning to recognize them sooner rather than later and kick em to the curb!

We all have days like that!

I’m learning the value of quality self care! I’m learning to give myself permission to be still and heal!

You my friend are so worth the effort to be good to you today!

Take a walk in the woods.

Go for a bike ride.

Read a book.

Listen to music.

Dance like a wild person.

Take a nap.

Say “no”!

Do anything just for you!

You are worth it!

I’d love to hear your story.

Drop me a note at: pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

You can follow me on face book at: Author Pamela Richards Woodall.

Under the Spreading Apple Tree….it happened

(Possible trigger warning)

The blooming apple tree, for me, signifies spring is indeed springing though this year there seems to be some confusion on this season if its coming or going. Its been warm then it gets really cold and even attempts to snow but that makes the seasons interesting in Kentucky! It’s never boring!

Just outside my office window this apple tree has beautiful blooms beginning with the buds then the opening plus there is a sweet, deep fragrence! Until just a few days ago I didn’t realize how lovely an apple tree smells.

For me for many long years I hated the apple tree! I dreaded to see the tree burst forth in bloom every spring with out fail. Yes, I know hate is a strong word but that’s how I felt.

That is until this year!

This year I decided to gain some control over those hateful feelings by confronting my memories associated with blooming apple trees!

You see, one of the first memories of my child abuse that returned was of me as a very young girl, laying naked on a clear sheet of plastic down in the backyard under a blooming apple tree. I remember disassociating thinking I was sitting up in that tree watching what was being done to that little girl by her uncle and grandmother thinking how horribly bad that was.

I so wanted to rescue that little girl!

I so wanted to protect her but I wasn’t able to!

I was that little girl!

April is National Child Abuse Awareness month and it’s the month apple trees are normally in bloom. Ironic.

So this week I walked out to the apple tree right outside my office window and had a good talk. I apologized to that little girl of long ago telling her how sorry I was she was ever hurt! I reminded her of her worth and value and that she was oh, so loved! And that she’s gonna do great things by telling her story to others so that they too can find their healing path!

And I spent time once again asking God to help me forgive those who had violated my being, my mind and my little girls body!

And to forgive me for holding onto unforgiveness against my abusers for so long, for not letting go of the pain and resentment sooner.

I chose on purpose to forgive them and move forward. There is way more peace in the forgiveness that in staying in the memories of the past.

Besides I’ve got way too much good to do! I’ve got more books to write! Words to share with others offering hope and help as they take necessary steps to overcome their painful past.

No one ever deserves to be abused! Ever!!

The trauma effects of child abuse afterward can be life altering but they do not necessarily have to steal your life!

You can grow and heal from child abuse!

If you need someone to be your voice until you gain yours I’d be honored to do so!

I’d love to hear your story!

You can reach out to me at: pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

I’ve written my first book, Secrets in the Hollers, as a work of fiction based on a true story, mine!

Together we will become a force to be reckoned with!

Together we can help move many mountains!

#Iamavoiceforthevoiceless

May you have a sweet, peaceful day!

You are loved!

You are a beautiful and unique individual!

You were created for a purpose (Jeremiah 29:11) to do great and mighty things to become a world changer!

You are valued and worthy!

You are delightful and a loving individual!

May today be your special day you sense great and mighty love and acceptance!

#iamavoiceforthevoiceless

I Am Not My Anxiety!

Feelings.

Emotions.

Anxiety.

Truth.

Lies.

As I’ve grown older in my adulthood I’ve become more aware of these parts of me. I used to battle panic… fear…. anxiety….parinonia…and more most of my life.

I grew up in a very abusive and dysfunctional home so for me those things were normal. That is until I grew old enough to realize my home life was not normal even though for me it appeared to be so. They were not normal and caused great damage!

Many people I know who have experienced chronic childhood trauma still fight their inner demons….and may continue to do so the rest of their life. I know for me my battle has lessened yet I’m still alert to those triggers.

So many seem not to understand, or for whatever reason chose not to do so, that anxiety is very real! I so wish I never had to experience those feelings ever again.

Personally for me Jesus and my beloved husband have helped me to overcome and grow even more!

I’m so very thankful I don’t have those terrible attacks as frequently as I used to but they’re still there…just beneath the surface of my soul.

Some say I’ll always have them….I dunno. What matters to me is that I am healing and growing and that is possible one step at a time!

If you know someone who deals with anxiety or panic attacks be kind. Don’t tell that person to just get over it or shake it off or to read more scripture and pray harder. Those are really lame things to say!!

When I’m having an anxiety attack its embarrassing because I certainly do not want you to see me at my weakest. Nor do I want your pity.

Just sit with me. Be there for me. Try to distract me. Assure me it will soon pass. (I had a severe one not long ago that lasted bout 5 hours. Longest one in ages!)

Just love and accept me. My anxiety is not something you can catch! Its mine! Although it is loosening its hold on me.

If I have anxiety the rest of my life, so be it! Even so, I will life my life to the fullest because I refuse to allow those who ripped my innocence from my soul any more power!

I am choosing to be a Voice for the Voiceless!

It is time!

Follow me at: Author Pamela Richards-Woodall on Facebook and on Twitter.

I’ve released my first book, Secrets in the Hollers, which is a great story and resource of how a young girl searches and finds her help and hope in overcoming a very painful past!

You may contact my publisher, Oak Tree Publishing Company, at oaktreepub@yahoo.com to purchase a copy.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Ristrictions No More

She allowed her fingers to gently skim the surface of the glistening pool slightly distorting her image that briefly reflected back at her. The water, cool and wet, beckoned her to enter into its murky depths enticing her to cast off forever the restrictions that had been placed around her many years ago.

She felt the fire within her being that could enable her to rip off those preconceived restrictions but how? How did she make that happen? That seemed so far outta her reach. She knew they were there, those unseen restrictions places on her by them, those who were supposed to have been her guardians.

But restriction covered her tightly in its unseen garments that had irritated her tender skin and kept her bound since the beginning of her time. Restrictions enacted by them, by the guardians who were to be her protectors had not had her best interest in mind at all.

These restrictions had held tight to her tender, young flesh; pulling, poking and prodding until she thought at times she would surely lose her grip on reality, surely she would lose her mind and end up dead or in an insane asylum.

There were those few times she thought, hoped with everything in her being that she’d finally be free, but sadly she was mistaken, lied to, fooled, tricked all over time and time again! When would she ever taste the sweetness of freedom?

She ached to be released yet she did not realize how very bound up she really was. Oh, to be able to make her own decisions for her own body, her own mind! But no! Someone else was always just a breath away who seemed to hold that ability.

When the earth shook around her in her young years she clinched her body so tightly it quivered; some tried to believe it was with excitement but she felt like a bowl full of red, angry jello.

Even now as an adult she still felt thus in certain settings. Those settings others never knew about nor would have understood. She longed to break out of all her restrictions. She ached to share but she rarely did. She longed to be carefree, to play in the rain, to chase fireflies, to engage with her mystical self but she dared not. She longed to allow the real part of her core person to come forth but she must protect that one with every fiber of her being.

Others were watching and she never knew when they would once again pounce on her forcing their heavy restrictions over her yet again. No, it was better to not let herself long for the sweet taste of freedom and wonder how the sweet, cool water would feel as it gently flowed past her cool skin.

But yet, this could not be, this carrying of the restriction, what was meant for her as the Teacher whom she’d met years ago had assured her if she’d but follow Him then He would show her great mysteries to unfold; He would enable her to rip the scab off of long held secrets that had a cancer like quality that oozed poison into ones body and soul.

No, she had to hold on and put her trust in Him. He had said He would enable her to grow stronger and braver so she would wait and allow this to unfold.

She would not enter into the murky waters depths this day. This day she would stand in the sun there on the bank and allow the heat to burn those areas of resisting from off her being. She would force herself to withstand the burning of refining fire as she grew stronger and her armor became more intact. She would allow herself to be made into a warrior to be useful in leading others to throw off their own restrictions and together they would build up a vital army!

Yes, today she would bask in the fiery heat as she knew she was being moulded onto a stronger core being of herself!

Soon she would emerge as the warrior she’d been destined to be those thousands of years ago!

#warriorrisingup

#iamavoiceforthevoiceless

#secretsnomore

Fab Friday

No, I suppose not everyone would be able to declare today being fabulous. Sad isn’t it?!

Mine’s been ok. Here it’s very cold. I don’t do cold well. I’ve often joked I musta been born in the wrong part of the country cuz I’d do much better in the South! Even so, I am ever so grateful for our warm home to work in as I continue my book writing and doing various household tasks.

However warm weather is soon to arrive and with it gardening, picnics, hiking, and more outdoor stuff. I really like being outside more than inside. That is if its lots warmer.

I hope your Friday has been kind to you and that you’ve felt safe and protected.

Finally I can say without a doubt I now live my life with that warm, fuzzy feeling of safety and protection! That’s mainly because I’m now married to my soulmate and am where I’m supposed to be, where I was supposed to have been many years ago but sadly circumstances changes that path for us! (Another book to be written!) And I’m loved beyond reason which is affording me the opportunity to experience returning that true love. And I’m loving!

When you have experienced childhood sexual abuse its often very hard to ever have that true sense of safety and protection. It is possible! And its hard to allow yourself to accept another’s love for you. It is possible!

One reason this is a fab Friday for me is knowing at the end of the work day my beloved will return and I will once again feel complete.

I firmly believe, for me at least, being married to this incredible man has given me much needed strength to face those demons of my past and see them slayed once and for all! And my beloved has greatly helped! Him and Jesus!

Personally I figure I’ll be battling demons the rest of my life. My perspective now has simply changed. I am ready to fight for others who have suffered childhood sexual abuse!

You see, it took me many years stuffed full of guilt, shame and condemnation from the many years of traumatic abuse I experienced to finally taste that sweet deliverance! It was a long hard fight to gain the sweet healing and freedom I now walk in! And I guard it closely!

If you are a victim of childhood sexual abuse you are not alone! And there is hope…and freedom…and healing and so much more for you to experience!

I’m here to listen to your story!Sometimes a listening ear is so important! Know that someone does care and believes!

I will be your voice until yours grows stronger!

#iamavoiceforthevoiceless

#secretsnomore

*I have written my first book, Secrets in the Hollers published by Oak Tree Publishing, sharing some of my own experience and how hope set me free!

Let me know if you’d like a copy. They are $18.05 plus shipping.

Stop the Bullying

Words can hurt at any age! 

I remember my school years being made such fun of…the slurs…the laughs…the harshness…the cruel pain! I tried to pretend it didn’t hurt but it did…a whole lot!

It hurt but no one seemed to care!

I grew up hearing hurtful words from those who were supposed to have loved me! 

I’ve been in relationships as an adult where hurtful words were flung at my wounded soul.

Verbal abuse is what it’s called! And it’s wrong!

You are responsible for what you say and do and how you treat others. 

I wonder how many of us would be brave enough to stand up if asked, “Stand up if you were ever hurt with words; made fun of; sexually assaulted;  bullied in school, etc?

I’m standing up!

In my opinion,  if we could truly see the heart of those around us I dare believe we’d treat each other with a great more compassion! 

I want to say to you, “I’m so sorry you were hurt!”

May any hurt within your soul begin to experience a deeper healing today than ever before!

May you experience compassion and mercy as never before!

No one deserves to be abused! 

I am so deeply grateful for the healin that has taken place within my soul. You can experience that same healing! Just ask me!

Together we can indeed make a difference! 

#secretsnomore

#Iamavoiceforthevoiceless

#stopbullying

Sins of the Mothers…. Forgiveness Happens

The totes were stuffed full of almost every imaginable thing. She’d been goin through them one at a time for sever all weeks because doing so all at once was way too daunting. It wasn’t easy digging through the envelopes of paid bills, doctors information, letters from social security, bill collectors, cards, letters from friends and family and more.

She’d recently sorted through the tote that held the cherished antique photos of her grandparents, two, one from their early days and a much later one after life had it them hard. These photos would soon hang on her wall in special remembrance. 

Today she’d opened the tote that held her very own baby clothes wrapped up in paper and placed in a plastic bag as if trying to protect them. She also found two of her baby bottles, one glass and one hard plastic. Both still had the black ring and stopper though no nipple. And her baby shoes. An old cloth diaper and diaper pins. Oh and she’d been so delighted when she pulled several articles of clothing from her early childhood years. Only one piece had been store bought, the others either hand sewn or machine stitched.

And she even found her baby book with information of her birth. That was a special treasure! There was her name written in pencil by her mother all those many years ago.

This discovery was shocking to the woman who was now going through these items tryin to decide what to keep and what to toss. Truthfully and sadly, this woman all her life had wondered if her mother really loved and cared about her. Now that truth seemed to point in the direction of affirmative. 

During the reading of old letters the daughter had discovered secrets her mother shared of her many years of sexual abuse by a close family member. This had been the hardest for the daughter to read and absord about her own mother. The daughter had herself suffered various forms of childhood abuse at the hands of this one perpetrator. The cycle had continued. 

For many years the daughter had fought with her mother, mainly wanting, no needing her mother to love and protect her from those pawing, prodding hands but that never happened. Now the daughter better understood that very possibly the mother simply did not know how to do so. Her own mother hadn’t protected her.

These new revelations softened the daughters heart towards her mother. Oh, no, it certainly didn’t excuse the mothers liability in not having fully protected her daughter. It did, however, help the daughter better understand her mother: A woman who at a young age was raped by this man and the abuse continued many years!

Now her mother resides in a nursing home, often times drifting into her own world. The daughter prays that the world her mother may be a part of is one full of sunshine and wildflower and butterflies and laughter. 

Finally the load seems somehow lighter that she, the daughter, had been carrying concerning her mother and the lack of love she’d felt all her life. Now the daughter was more able to release that burden and let it drift away. 

Now even more healing could take place within the depths of the daughter. Now peace had more room to reside within the daughters heart. 

Forgiveness was at work here.