Yet, I have recently realized that for me, can’t speak for anyone else, I have indeed begun to find hope during this season.
We read in the Word in The Passion Translation, in Proverbs 13: 12, When hope’s dream seems to drag on and on, the delay can be depressing. But when at last your dream comes true, life’s sweetness will satisfy your soul.’
Same scripture in the New King James Version, Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.
Either way, we can clearly read that without hope, we’re sure to experience depression and often times, defeat!
What do you hope in?
Leave it all to chance and hope for the best?
We all need to put our hope in something or someone!
I place my hope in Jesus Christ!
Without Him I have no doubt I would not be here.
With all the many horrors I’ve experienced and lived through from childhood on….He is the only reason I live and breath!
So today I celebrate my hope in a pandemic!
I am gaining more and more healing during this time of mourning the passing of my sweet mother in law as well as both my parents over the past two years.
I’m also gaining healing over past traumas that have caused me great grief and saddness.
I am embracing newness of life as I uncover those hidden treasures the enemy has kept from me that were mine all along from Abba.
I encourage you to also begin seeking your hope!
Hope is energizing!
Hope is healing!
Hope is a sweet medicine bubbling up from the depths of one’s soul!
Jesus is that tree of life we can draw strength from!
It is He who has sustained me and given me the ability to keep moving forward.
It is He who has comforted me when my heart was breaking because of hurtful words spoken by those near me.
It is He who has made a way where there seemed no way.
It is He who has proven time and again He is oh, so trustworthy.
It is He I run to and fling myself in His waiting arms when I feel so broken from grief.
Did you know grief isn’t just about that person who has died?
No, grief can also include mourning that broken relationship; time lost and never to be gained again; seasons of life that could have been avoided if only….grief comes to us in all shapes and sizes.
I pray that if you are in a grieving season you’ll be especially kind to yourself and also allow yourself to feel the feelings. Ya gotta feel it to heal it! May sound trite but it is truth!
Who or what are you hoping for today?
To what tree are you clinging?
I’d love to hear from you!
Massive blessings to you!
Drop me a line here or email me at email@example.com
Ecclesiastes 3 tells that there is a time and season for many things under Heaven. Right now this is my time of healing.
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
But how do I heal?
That I do not know!
What is healing?
This is what google tells me, the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.
Wow…boy oh, do I need that!
And where do I even begin?
Was I ever healthy?
I’m honestly not sure!
I’ve had professionals tell me I should be in an insane asylum or dead because of the horrific amount of trauma I’ve experienced.
>Trafficked to men in the community until I was 11 years old to pay the ‘light bill‘ each month.
>Massive amounts of child abuse: physical, sexual, neglect, psychological.
>Given enemas’ over and over to ‘get the devil outta me’.
>Groomed to obey whatever ever was told to me.
And so much more.
I write about this and more in my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption.
All of my books are available on Kindle or Amazon in paperback. A portion of all book sales goes to Broken Pieces No More Inc, a nonprofit my husband, a dear friend and I formed to raise awareness of child abuse and human trafficking.
Right now with all that’s going on I am stepping back from most areas and focusing on gaining my own deep, inner healing. If I’m not healed then I won’t be of much use to others. It is imperative that I gain my own healing as I want to be instrumental in helping others who have trod a similar path as I have. #healingispossible
We all need healing for we’ve all been hurt in some manner.
What are you hoping to heal within?
It is possible!
And you are not alone, no matter how much you or the enemy tries to convince you of..it’s a lie!
Never allow anyone to deny you this unique opportunity to gain that necessary healing either.
I pray you will be able to join me on a similar journey and grab hold of the healing you deserve.
I sat and watched them lower your casket in the ground. I know some may think I’m morbid but for me that’s closure. I know it was only your body as you are now in Heaven with Jesus! And that reason alone causes me to rejoice!
Yet I miss you so very much!
I’ll never again hear you say, “Honey, I love you too!”
Even so, I’d never wanta bring you back to this earth with all that’s going on! You are in a much better place now!
So for this season, I will grieve and I will mourn your passing.
I will allow myself to feel all the feelings and emotions and I will grow all the better for it!
I will closely guard the precious memories of you I have!
And I will learn from this relationship and hopefully, allow my others to grow as a result.
I don’t fully understand the process of grieving, of mourning but I am learning and growing.
I don’t know the answer to that but I suspect they do!
At least they do for me, here, tonight as I sit at my desk staring out into the darkness just on the other side of my window.
I find myself wondering if there’s anyone out there somewhere watching me! Lordy I surely hope not! No alarms are going off so I’m safe…for now!
My beloved is still at work though he will soon be home. Oh how I dearly miss him! And I so dislike him working this second shift but we know it’s only for a season. However, I pray I can maintain for the season no matter how long. I am very grateful for him and wonderfully blessed he is my husband!
This other season….this season of anger and despair and grief that seems as if it’s suffocating my very being….I do not like this season at all!
Anger so white hot it seems as if it would sizzle my flesh right off my bones!
Anger that causes me to want to crumple up those who have hurt me into a small little ball of nothingness and throw them so very far away!
What is anger?
It is an emotion that can produce a flight or fight feeling. It can bring on fear or depression. It can make you feel as if you’re going outta your mind.
Anger is a valid emotion.
Anger can also mask underlying emotions!
You can do some research on it.
For me, I know my anger is a mask of deeper emotions.
Emotions that have been swimming to the surface of my soul for years.
Why haven’t I felt them before now?
Well, I probably have though not to this degree!
You see as I’m now safely with my beloved, I am able to begin the process of really beginning to feel that horrific rejection and woundings from my childhood. Those things happened when my mother and grandmother and others viciously abused me.
I’m grateful for the forgiving process for I do believe I have begun that long ago and will continue.
Now, I need to focus on healing the little girl within!
I need to listen to her silent screams that are erupting from my soul!
I need to give her the attention she deserves as we work together to heal all those deep, burning wounds from long ago.
I need to acknowledge that what happened to her really happened to me.
Healing sucks and is very messy but oh, so necessary if one is hoping to live a healthy life. And I do!
So I will feel it to heal it no matter what!
I lived through the hell of it all and I will live through the recovery of me, the true me, the authentic me!!
I will grieve for the lost little me!
I will heal.
I will journal.
I will go hang out in nature.
I will let myself cry.
I will talk with my counselor.
I will heal because I am worth it!
I pray you too will find whatever healing you are needing. The effort is worth it!
My mom passed in September 2019 and my daddy died in December 2020.
My sweet mother in law, who is more of a momma to me, is in her end of life phase. Of course we never know when that final day will be..yet…we must grieve!
I have had to acknowledge I am not in a good place right now! I know it’s a part of life but still…I don’t like being here. Nevertheless, here I am and there I shall go and in the going I will gain healing and His peace!
I’ve realized over the past few weeks as we are preparing for the home going of my mother in law, I haven’t really allowed myself to grieve the loss of both my parents. Wow…the onslaught of emotions is huge!
How do you deal with grief?
My old way, which was to pretty much avoid the subject all together, hasn’t worked out too good yet!
Matter of fact, I will be seeing a grief counselor beginning next week for a season.
I encourage anyone in need to see professional help with any mental health issue.
Given the day we now live in with fear being spewed forth on all fronts, we are on overload! We hear fear based noise all day long…if we have the medium going. I chose to turn mine off!!
You do have that choice! Although many would like us to think we don’t!
Yes we do!
Yes you do!
Yes I do!
I want to make healthy choices for my life! As I’m walking through this season of grief I must make sure to destress often or I’ll be on grief overload which is not good for anyone!
Hanging out in nature helps me with destressing a lot!
Writing in my journal helps too. I dump feelings, emotions, thoughts no matter what. It helps me to get ’em all out so hopefully I’ll not pick ’em up again. Sometimes I do though then need to do the dumping all over again! Practice!
I encourage you to be active in processing your grief or even fear! Both can play havoc with our being. Make sure to take time for you because you are so worth it!
I am pleased and excited to announce that my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption, is now available in paperback and kindle. Any of my books may be purchased through Amazon.
This was a very hard book to write as I shared a great deal of my own personal story. And in it I share parts of my soul with you. Parts of my soul I’d never want anyone to see; yet, I truly believe that I need to share my truth in order that others may know the freedom and hope I now experience.
I shared secrets.
My book shares secrets. Deep, dark, evil ones!
Those secrets I’d been forced to keep as a child ‘or else‘.
Secrets I am finally finding my voice to speak out!
Proverbs 31:8-9 tells us to speak out for those who do not yet have their own voice with which to speak.
I am choosing to lend my voice to any one who needs it!
I speak about all forms of child abuse: neglect….my emotional and mental needs were neglected as well as often times I went hungry although we had plenty of food.
Physical abuse where I was hit either with switches until my little legs were bleeding or beaten with a belt, of course, where no bruises would show.
Verbal abuse was a constant of hearing what a horrible person I was, that I wasn’t ever wanted and how my mother so wished I’d of been a boy or never even born, called all sorts of vile named and more!
Sexual abuse has always been a part of who I am. Or rather who I was!
My mother and grandmother trafficked me out to men in the community to ‘help pay the monthly light bill’. This went on until I was eleven. It ended when I put a shotgun to my grandmother’s forehead threatening to shoot her if anyone ever touched me again!
The sexual and physical abuse stopped but the verbal/mental abuse grew even worse!
Now I have way more peace and hope than ever before in my life. I know Whose I am and I also know I’m okay!
I have gained a tremendous amount of healing for which I’m eternally thankful.
Life is so good!!
I have risen up out of the ashes more incredible than ever before.
I long to see others who are walking wounded gain their own personal healing and freedom.
This is a new and exciting time in my life. One where I am stepping out of my comfort zone doing things I’ve often dreamed about. Like speaking to anyone who’ll give a listen. Traveling and sharing my story so others can step into his or her own freedom!
This is a brand new path. I hope I’ll see you along the way.
I am available for speaking opportunities.
I have one local at a Celebrate Recovery spot at Faith. Hope. Love. Church of God in Somerset. Then I will be speaking in Winchester, Ohio at Daystar Christian Center on August 15th. And on October 9 and 10th I’ll be speaking at Lake Road Baptist Church in Morrow, Ohio.
I am available for conferences, workshops, clubs, schools, churches, organizations, etc. Wherever there is a need to help others share their secrets! I will be your voice!
What secrets have you been holding?
I’d love to hear from you.
You can let me know here or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
No one deserves to carry a burden of guilt and shame from being forced to keeping secrets!
There is freedom!!
I’m happier and more content now than I’ve ever been in my life!
This Sunday is the day set aside to celebrate mothers.
I’m seeing lots of commercials, shows, gift and card ideas for that special mother. While I do agree that honoring a mother is a grand thing to do, I want to speak to those who may not have a kind and healthy mother.
You see, I can relate to that indiviual.
My mother was abusive and anything but kind. For many years of my adult life I did what I thought others wanted me to do: Make the best out of a bad situation. Or, forgive and forget. Or stop replaying all the old hurts and just be nice. Or why can’t you just forgive her and be the good daughter?
Here’s a picture of my mom and I when I was around nine or ten years old.
I was a cute kid!
I’ve had people most of my life telling me things like, “Oh, you’re supposed to love your mother”; or, “after all, she’s your mother, she birthed you so the least you could do is take care of her”; or, “Well, maybe she was abused in her childhood, you don’t know, show some respect” and lots more!
That’s totally messed up!
I can’t find anywhere in my Bible telling me I must remain in an abusive relationship!
We can read several scriptures in the Word of how we’re to ‘honor our parents so our days will be long upon the earth’.
According to Merriam-Webster dictionary, honor is to regard or treat (someone) with admiration and respect : to regard or treat with honor. b : to give special recognition to : to confer honor on. 2a : to live up to or fulfill the terms of honor a commitment. It says nothing about remaining in an abusive relationship!
Even trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings on this topic is challenging.
And I do believe I honored my mother as best I could even though we had a very hard relationship. I can now better understand that she was just mirroring what she saw her own mother do. After talking with mom about whether or not she knew I was being abused as a child, she confessed, “Of course I knew! It happened to me! Why shouldn’t it happen to you too? You’re no better than I am!”
I’m so thankful I’ve gained much needed healing in this area. I still don’t have all the answers but the pain isn’t as bad as it has been either. My beloved understands that on this day I’ll probably wanta go hang out in nature, or spend the day with him alone…if our son and his family were near it’d be with them…but no, I just don’t make a big deal out of Mother’s Day.
For many, most I hope, Mother’s Day is a day to honor your mother. For me and others like me, not so much!
I’d never wish harm to my mother but I sure have wished she’d been a lot nicer and healthier.
On the very day she died the Hospice nurse came to me and asked, “Did you know your mother had been diagnosed with at least 12 different personalities?”
Well, no I sure didn’t but that explained so very much.
I did know she’d experienced a lot of child abuse herself. Two of her abusers were also my own, her mother and a brother! She was walking out learned behavior. She choose to repeat a pattern which can be unlearned and replaced with healthy behavior but she didn’t choose to walk that path. I choose to break that pattern!
Some years back I offered to help her find a good therapist to help her overcome so much pain and loss but she refused saying, “I’m just fine. It’s everyone else that has a problem.” Well, no, not so much!
So, on Mother’s Day I will be thankful for my son who made me a mother! I am very proud of him! He made me a mom!
I will also mourn the two babies I was not allowed to give birth to, Mary Grace and James Andrew, as they were ripped from my body at my mother’s insistence.
And I will be grateful for another year to celebrate the fact that with all I went through, I remain fairly healthy and sane. Well that last part could be debatable at times! lol
I will also celebrate another wonderful year with my beloved who makes me feel like a princess! I am deeply loved, well cared for and spoiled by my love!
If I were to give any words of comfort to any one hurting today because of an unhealthy mother it would be to forgive, simply forgive.
Nope! Not at all but oh, so necessary!
For that person?
For you and your family!
I used to believe that if I forgave those who’d hurt me that meant they were getting away with the wrongs they’d done scot free! I was wrong! Forgiving him or her for the terrible things they’d done to me was for me! Holding a grudge and wishing them bad was like me drinking poison, hoping they’d be sick or die. Silly right?
Forgiveness was for my freedom!
Jesus died on the cross for my freedom.
God says He will gain vengeance so I don’t have to worry about it.
I’m realizing I’m pretty stinkin’ alright! Others may not think so but that’s no big deal! Jesus does! My beloved does! That’s pretty amazing to me!
Today if your mother hurt you in anyway I am praying for you! I know it’s hard to let go of all those memories but I encourage you to do so. At least begin the process by opening up your hands so you’re not gripping the memories so tightly. Allow yourself to breath deeply knowing you are a good person! And remember, you are not your mother! Nor are you the abuse that was heaped on you!
You are a beautiful individual.
If this day is challenging I urge you to do something fun just for you. Let this day be for your healing and hope in a better tomorrow. It is possible!
Often when I’m in a serious house cleaning mood I’ll throw on some ole time rock n roll.
Bob Seger hit the floor this morning while I’ve been attackin’ the house. Soon I find myself getting unusually emotional. Humm….’well, that’s strange, I thought!
During a short break, I begin to examine these emotions which are accompanied with free flowing tears.
I’ve listened to an hour or more of great music yet, here I sit…weeping, pondering my teenage years.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks!!
I am sitting here mourning those years when I was a teenage girl!
Oh, they were not all bad. Actually, I had a lot of good memories!
But the bad, oh they were really bad!
I needed something to numb the ever searing pain inside my soul. So, I’d been introduced to huffing lighter fluid by a girlfriend when I was nine years old. That lead to smoking pot at 13 then I found the brown bottle at 15! Wow…that really helped!
Mom worked for a guy cleaning his house. He was a single dad. Good looking and kept a well stocked bar. Somehow it evolved to the point of my having his permission to enjoy anything on the bar I wanted. My mother never said a word against that!
I recall she’d often tell me, “Oh I’d rather you sow your wild oats now than later!”
Where was the parental protection!
Oh, that right! There was none!
I had been raped at 15. She and the doctor felt it was in my best interest to have an abortion.
She’d borrowed the money from someone then drove me to the office to take care of it.
I don’t make the connection until many years later.
I often go with her when she’d clean house, especially after finding out I could partake of all that liquor! I soon become aware of this man. He’d give me lingering hugs which I enjoyed.
I hadn’t grown up with a dad so at first I’m thinking that he’s just taking a fatherly interest in me. After all, he does have a young daughter!
But then the hugs turn into him stroking my arm or pulling me into his lap at various times.
I remember one specific time. He was resting in his leather recliner in the living room and I happened to walk by him. He reached out and yanked me down in his lap. For whatever reason it was just the two of us. I don’t remember why we were alone. He lifted my chin and kissed me.
Now in my head, I’m freaking!
Why’d he do that?
While sitting on his lap I become very aware of his intentions by the physical response in his jeans.
That was the first time we end up in bed. A sick abusive relationship that lasted several years. I was barely 16 and he was 34!!!
I thought it was love! It was abuse!!
Months later I worked up enough courage to ask him why me.
He said, “I knew you’d had an abortion and didn’t want you to be turned off by sex. Besides, I knew you weren’t a virgin any longer. Plus your mom owned me money for your procedure!”
I was devastated!
Also, during my teen years I was sexually active. Actually, I don’t remember a time in my life where that wasn’t a frequent act. I always thought I was born to give men and women sexual pleasure! Or at least, that’s what I was taught!
So, here I am today…..weeping listening to some really good music. When it begins to dawn on me, oh wow…I’m mourning the loss of my teen years. I allow the emotions to flow!
I am mourning the loss of two years in a sick, twisted relationship I should have never been put in!
Wow…bless my little girl’s heart!
But I survived!
Was it easy!? No way!!
Do I still struggle?
I wonder what kinda free spirit I’d of been back then?
I recently released my first non-fiction, Finding Hope After Abortion. In it I offer hope and healing for anyone who’s experienced one. No judgement. Just hope!
What that man and my mom did to me was horrible wrong!
My mom died in 2019. Before passing, she did apologize to me for all the bad things she’d done to me. That helped the healing process.
However, today I am remembering that young teen girl. She was a fighter! She was a survivor! She was determined!
And today, I am all those: a fighter, a survivor and ever so determined!
My book is available on Amazon or you can reach out to Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting company at email@example.com for more information.
This isn’t an easy subject to talk about. Neither is any form of abuse. However, we need to be talking about it. We need to be talking about how to heal from any of it, all of it!
Today, I am learning to be me!
No, not the ‘me’ others tried to force me to become! The real authentic me!