I’ve had to go off my supplements for my thyroid for almost a month so I can have new blood work done today. I pray for good results. At least I am hoping to gain more knowledge on what’s going on so I can discover a new healthier path.
Emotionally I’m tired.
I know I’m still in the mourning process. Having lost both parents, my sweet mother-in-love (law) within 23 months as well as 7 other close friends or family, my heart hurts! I miss these amazing people!
I know there’s a process to mourning and I’m trying ever so hard to walk that out yet, I’m tired!
Mentally I’m tired.
I believe a lot of this is due in part to my thyroid being off-kilter right now. Once I get my levels corrected I’ll begin to feel better. Or that’s my hope!
How do you deal with life when you’re tired?
Do you retreat?
Do you confront?
Do you hide under the covers till the feeling passes?
Do you call out to Abba God for help?
Just for today….
>I will be grateful for a new, sunny day. >I will drink my water…helps plump up my veins and I hate being stuck all over for blood work. >I will be kind to myself. >I will borrow strength from my beloved husband to carry on. >I will remind myself this too shall pass. >I will stay focused and breathe deeply. >I will survive today!
Seems to me it whizzed by and I didn’t get to experience as much as I’d liked.
It’s been another strange year and I’m not sure we’ll ever get back to what we once perceived as normal. We probably won’t go back to what was but we can look forward to what can be! We can learn how to shine even when the situation seems darkest with Jesus on the inside of us!
This new year let’s…..
This new year let’s all focus on loving ourself just a bit more! Let’s eat the chocolate! Let’s take a nap! Let’s turn the music up blastingly loud! Let’s practice saying, “NO”! Let’s layout in a field watching the clouds float overhead! Let’s get naked and admire our body! (No…not together.) Let’s learn how to stay in the moment! Let’s learn how to color again…and this time…don’t worry bout staying in the lines! Let’s just simply sit and be!
This year for the first time in my life I have no desire whatsoever to move forward into the joyous season. I’d just rather skip right over all the silly season and wake up on December 26th, thank you very much!!
I’ve been visiting with a grief counselor who has helped somewhat. Although, honestly I believe one thing that will help is simply time.
Today I’m missing my sweet mother-in-law. We did not have the typical mother-daughter-in-law relationship. Ours was very special and unique!
It was more mother-daughter!
Right now where I live the leaves are falling from the trees. Actually, there’s a blanket of fallen leaves laying over our yard. Mom didn’t like to let leaves pile up. She was always concerned someone would come around and flip a cigarette out and start a fire. Even in her last days, she’d go outside and rake leaves all the while, needing her walker to help her walk. She’d worked hard all her life and did so as she was able to right up to the end. I admired her so very much!
I always called her ‘mom’. She passed away this past August!
I miss her fiercely! As I know my sweet beloved and his brother do as well!
I’ve realized the family dynamics change greatly when the previous generation is gone. Dad, my husband’s father, passed away in 2016.
I don’t know how to do this grief stuff!
According to a quick search on the internet, grief is the response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.
I acknowledge that I’m in a deep season of grieving. I lost my mother in September 2019. I was with her when she exhaled her last breath. My dad passed in December 2020. I couldn’t be with him as the nursing home refused me to be with him! That still hurts deeply!
And now my precious mother-in-law!
Grief isn’t just about the passing of loved ones.
During the past few months, I’ve come to realize I’m not only grieving the loss of parents and sweet in-laws, but I’m also grieving the loss of my innocence. Having gone through horrific child abuse I learned early in life to pretend all was well and to stuff my true emotions way down deep on the inside of my soul. Well, that’s not healthy!
I believe I’ve been dealing with a lot of physical issues due to ignoring this pain within my soul!
How to deal with the grieving process (Grabbed this off the internet)
Acknowledge your pain.
Accept that grief can trigger many different and unexpected emotions.
Understand that your grieving process will be unique to you.
Seek out face-to-face support from people who care about you.
Support yourself emotionally by taking care of yourself physically
The pain isn’t as bad as it was in the beginning, right after mom passed. I watched her exhale her last breath. I rejoice for I know she’s in Heaven and no longer suffering. Yet I surely miss her. I miss what might have been!
Over the past few months, I’m gaining more knowledge and understanding of what it means to simply sit with my pain.
I’m learning to embrace it!
I’m learning to talk to it!
I’m learning to touch it!
I’m learning to feel it!
I. Do. Not. Want. To. Feel. This. Pain!
Yet, I also know if I refuse to do so then my healing will take a lot longer. I don’t wanta prolong the healing that’s watching me as I grapple my way along this morbid path. I want to embrace my healing! Grab my healing and dance!
I simply refuse to drag this giant bag of pain and various attached emotions along behind me for the rest of my life!
I have way too much to live for!
I am so stinkin’ blessed with this incredible husband I have!
I am writing more books and they are being published!
Writing helps me release those demons who’ve messed with my mind.
Writing is healing!
Writing is a cleansing process. I’ve written a lot of letters lately to those who’ve hurt me in one way or another. I’m choosing on purpose to release them, to forgive them and move forward.
Does that mean the pain stops?
Well, not for me anyway!
And one positive thing with all this pain junk is that I’m now realizing I can actually feel. That means I’m not stuffing it! I’m not pretending I’m okay when inside I’m falling apart!
Here’s a list of the first four books I’ve written.
Each of them are available on Amazon.
I’m currently working on book 3 in the Secret series as well as the story of my beloved and I. Both will be released in 2022.
I’m also learning to be gentle with myself. I used to put me last. I guess many of us do that for whatever reason. I’m now learning that I’m worth the effort of self-care. It’s not easy cuz I’m having to unlearn years of negative self-care and replace those learned behaviors with care for me.
I know that’s how my Abba Father desires me to do. He tells me that in His Word.
I know grieving is an important part of living. It means I’ve loved deeply. And was loved deeply!
I know I’m gonna be alright.
I also know this part of my life path is messy and hard and sad.
So if you see me, don’t fret!
Don’t think you need to be upbeat and joking around me. Sometimes I’d just like someone to sit with me. Not saying anything or doing anything special. Just being real.
It’s okay. We all experience grief and we all deal with it differently.
I’m just choosing to be raw and naked with mine! Maybe what I experience will help someone else!
I don’t know how we’ll do holidays this year.
I know the three of us will have Thanksgiving together. My beloved and I have been talking bout getting away on Christmas. Making new memories.
Our family is small…though not of our choice. Our son and his sweet family live far away which makes getting together often very hard. The other family members…..well right now there’s stuff going on so we just simply let ’em be and go on. We know God’s got it and He has them in His capable hands. For that we are thankful.
I am blessed….I hurt deeply but that simply means I’m allowing myself to finally feel!
And lordy, those feelings sometimes suck!
But…..I will rejoice! I will keep on keeping on this healing path! I will discover great and amazing blessings along the way! And I will always be grateful for being able to feel!
That simply means I’m not dead yet!
I pray your holiday is comforting.
Don’t force yourself to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. It’s really not worth that effort. You, my friend, are so worth learning how to deeply love and respect yourself!
This year I refuse to put myself in a situation that could cause drama or crap! Life’s way too short for that stuff!
During this time in which we find ourselves living, I firmly believe we must be willing to step outside the box, even ourselves, in order to grab hold of new and innovative thought processes for surviving day to day with a healthy mindset. For me, that’s included a few things I’ll share here.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts from wherever you are.
I do wanta encourage you in that you are not alone! Especially if Jesus lives in your heart!
Even if the mountains were to crumble and the hills disappear, my heart of steadfast, faithful love will never leave you, and my covenant of peace with you will never be shaken,” says Yahweh, whose love and compassion will never give up on you.
It has taken me so many years to realize God’s unfailing love for me!
I grew up in an insanely dysfunctional home where love was never spoken of nor practiced. Not sure my guardians knew how or what love really was. Well, no, of course, they didn’t; otherwise, I wouldn’t have experienced such horrific child abuse! I was taught that I was worthless and no account. That was a lie!
I am very valuable! As we all are in God’s sight!
Being married to my wonderful beloved has taught me so much about unconditional love! We are neither perfect, but his love for me is a godly love and reflects Jesus in Him. I am highly blessed and healing deeply as a result!
2. Do not fear!
There are over 365 times written in His word to ‘fear not’!
I’ve had to engage my mind on this one so much, or rather, I have to retrain my brain to not focus on fear! I grew up with fear as a close friend, so close in fact that I could often feel the hot, clammy breath of fear breathing down my neck as a little girl.
For me, I have to focus on the blessings and promises of God, rather than what the media is throwing out on the airwaves of late. If I don’t keep my guard up, I can easily be freaked out by what folks are spewing forth of late. That’s not healthy!
I know in Whom I believe and it isn’t some news outlet or social media site. I occasionally listen to several news sources, for I do not believe any one of them solely anymore. It’s kinda like the ole saying, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Don’t get all your information from one source….unless that source is the Word of God!
Sadly, I find many I meet along the way are so afraid!
And why not??
With all the fear being spewed forth daily on social media and through news outlets, it’s no wonder we’re not all running for those mountains for cover!
I have learned that fear is a perceived threat of some kind to ourselves or our family unit. When we are afraid, we react totally out of the ‘flight or fight’ mode. Adrenaline pumps through our system, causing us to make hasty decisions instead of mediating on a safe answer.
I’ve also read where some believe the opposite of fear is safety. Maybe so. I know for me when I’m afraid, I do not feel safe at all. I’m learning not to jump into the emotion of fear so quickly!
I’ll hear folks talking bout how we need to stock up on this or that because soon there won’t be any more of that item, and fear begins to quiver within my being. There is nothing wrong at all with using common sense and being prepared. I just can’t jump over into being afraid. Then I must remind myself on Whom I believe and trust.
Maybe for me the opposite of fear is trusting in the One who made the universe!
Fear is nasty and messy for me and I do not like it in my life. I appreciate the times I need that emotion for protection but I do not want to live there anymore! Life is way too short to live in fear!
I pray you are doing well and that you are able to get a handle on fear!
Ecclesiastes 3 tells that there is a time and season for many things under Heaven. Right now this is my time of healing.
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
But how do I heal?
That I do not know!
What is healing?
This is what google tells me, the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.
Wow…boy oh, do I need that!
And where do I even begin?
Was I ever healthy?
I’m honestly not sure!
I’ve had professionals tell me I should be in an insane asylum or dead because of the horrific amount of trauma I’ve experienced.
>Trafficked to men in the community until I was 11 years old to pay the ‘light bill‘ each month.
>Massive amounts of child abuse: physical, sexual, neglect, psychological.
>Given enemas’ over and over to ‘get the devil outta me’.
>Groomed to obey whatever ever was told to me.
And so much more.
I write about this and more in my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption.
All of my books are available on Kindle or Amazon in paperback. A portion of all book sales goes to Broken Pieces No More Inc, a nonprofit my husband, a dear friend and I formed to raise awareness of child abuse and human trafficking.
Right now with all that’s going on I am stepping back from most areas and focusing on gaining my own deep, inner healing. If I’m not healed then I won’t be of much use to others. It is imperative that I gain my own healing as I want to be instrumental in helping others who have trod a similar path as I have. #healingispossible
We all need healing for we’ve all been hurt in some manner.
What are you hoping to heal within?
It is possible!
And you are not alone, no matter how much you or the enemy tries to convince you of..it’s a lie!
Never allow anyone to deny you this unique opportunity to gain that necessary healing either.
I pray you will be able to join me on a similar journey and grab hold of the healing you deserve.
I don’t know the answer to that but I suspect they do!
At least they do for me, here, tonight as I sit at my desk staring out into the darkness just on the other side of my window.
I find myself wondering if there’s anyone out there somewhere watching me! Lordy I surely hope not! No alarms are going off so I’m safe…for now!
My beloved is still at work though he will soon be home. Oh how I dearly miss him! And I so dislike him working this second shift but we know it’s only for a season. However, I pray I can maintain for the season no matter how long. I am very grateful for him and wonderfully blessed he is my husband!
This other season….this season of anger and despair and grief that seems as if it’s suffocating my very being….I do not like this season at all!
Anger so white hot it seems as if it would sizzle my flesh right off my bones!
Anger that causes me to want to crumple up those who have hurt me into a small little ball of nothingness and throw them so very far away!
What is anger?
It is an emotion that can produce a flight or fight feeling. It can bring on fear or depression. It can make you feel as if you’re going outta your mind.
Anger is a valid emotion.
Anger can also mask underlying emotions!
You can do some research on it.
For me, I know my anger is a mask of deeper emotions.
Emotions that have been swimming to the surface of my soul for years.
Why haven’t I felt them before now?
Well, I probably have though not to this degree!
You see as I’m now safely with my beloved, I am able to begin the process of really beginning to feel that horrific rejection and woundings from my childhood. Those things happened when my mother and grandmother and others viciously abused me.
I’m grateful for the forgiving process for I do believe I have begun that long ago and will continue.
Now, I need to focus on healing the little girl within!
I need to listen to her silent screams that are erupting from my soul!
I need to give her the attention she deserves as we work together to heal all those deep, burning wounds from long ago.
I need to acknowledge that what happened to her really happened to me.
Healing sucks and is very messy but oh, so necessary if one is hoping to live a healthy life. And I do!
So I will feel it to heal it no matter what!
I lived through the hell of it all and I will live through the recovery of me, the true me, the authentic me!!
I will grieve for the lost little me!
I will heal.
I will journal.
I will go hang out in nature.
I will let myself cry.
I will talk with my counselor.
I will heal because I am worth it!
I pray you too will find whatever healing you are needing. The effort is worth it!
My mom passed in September 2019 and my daddy died in December 2020.
My sweet mother in law, who is more of a momma to me, is in her end of life phase. Of course we never know when that final day will be..yet…we must grieve!
I have had to acknowledge I am not in a good place right now! I know it’s a part of life but still…I don’t like being here. Nevertheless, here I am and there I shall go and in the going I will gain healing and His peace!
I’ve realized over the past few weeks as we are preparing for the home going of my mother in law, I haven’t really allowed myself to grieve the loss of both my parents. Wow…the onslaught of emotions is huge!
How do you deal with grief?
My old way, which was to pretty much avoid the subject all together, hasn’t worked out too good yet!
Matter of fact, I will be seeing a grief counselor beginning next week for a season.
I encourage anyone in need to see professional help with any mental health issue.
Given the day we now live in with fear being spewed forth on all fronts, we are on overload! We hear fear based noise all day long…if we have the medium going. I chose to turn mine off!!
You do have that choice! Although many would like us to think we don’t!
Yes we do!
Yes you do!
Yes I do!
I want to make healthy choices for my life! As I’m walking through this season of grief I must make sure to destress often or I’ll be on grief overload which is not good for anyone!
Hanging out in nature helps me with destressing a lot!
Writing in my journal helps too. I dump feelings, emotions, thoughts no matter what. It helps me to get ’em all out so hopefully I’ll not pick ’em up again. Sometimes I do though then need to do the dumping all over again! Practice!
I encourage you to be active in processing your grief or even fear! Both can play havoc with our being. Make sure to take time for you because you are so worth it!
I am pleased and excited to announce that my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption, is now available in paperback and kindle. Any of my books may be purchased through Amazon.
This was a very hard book to write as I shared a great deal of my own personal story. And in it I share parts of my soul with you. Parts of my soul I’d never want anyone to see; yet, I truly believe that I need to share my truth in order that others may know the freedom and hope I now experience.
I shared secrets.
My book shares secrets. Deep, dark, evil ones!
Those secrets I’d been forced to keep as a child ‘or else‘.
Secrets I am finally finding my voice to speak out!
Proverbs 31:8-9 tells us to speak out for those who do not yet have their own voice with which to speak.
I am choosing to lend my voice to any one who needs it!
I speak about all forms of child abuse: neglect….my emotional and mental needs were neglected as well as often times I went hungry although we had plenty of food.
Physical abuse where I was hit either with switches until my little legs were bleeding or beaten with a belt, of course, where no bruises would show.
Verbal abuse was a constant of hearing what a horrible person I was, that I wasn’t ever wanted and how my mother so wished I’d of been a boy or never even born, called all sorts of vile named and more!
Sexual abuse has always been a part of who I am. Or rather who I was!
My mother and grandmother trafficked me out to men in the community to ‘help pay the monthly light bill’. This went on until I was eleven. It ended when I put a shotgun to my grandmother’s forehead threatening to shoot her if anyone ever touched me again!
The sexual and physical abuse stopped but the verbal/mental abuse grew even worse!
Now I have way more peace and hope than ever before in my life. I know Whose I am and I also know I’m okay!
I have gained a tremendous amount of healing for which I’m eternally thankful.
Life is so good!!
I have risen up out of the ashes more incredible than ever before.
I long to see others who are walking wounded gain their own personal healing and freedom.
This is a new and exciting time in my life. One where I am stepping out of my comfort zone doing things I’ve often dreamed about. Like speaking to anyone who’ll give a listen. Traveling and sharing my story so others can step into his or her own freedom!
This is a brand new path. I hope I’ll see you along the way.
I am available for speaking opportunities.
I have one local at a Celebrate Recovery spot at Faith. Hope. Love. Church of God in Somerset. Then I will be speaking in Winchester, Ohio at Daystar Christian Center on August 15th. And on October 9 and 10th I’ll be speaking at Lake Road Baptist Church in Morrow, Ohio.
I am available for conferences, workshops, clubs, schools, churches, organizations, etc. Wherever there is a need to help others share their secrets! I will be your voice!
What secrets have you been holding?
I’d love to hear from you.
You can let me know here or email me at email@example.com.
No one deserves to carry a burden of guilt and shame from being forced to keeping secrets!
There is freedom!!
I’m happier and more content now than I’ve ever been in my life!
It’s a new day to a new week. Actually it’s the last week of this month.
So how are you doing now that we’ve stepped into 2021?
How’s your stress level?
Are you finding time to unwind and destress?
You don’t need to carry stress with you.
What’s some of your favorite ways to do so?
I know I’m still in the grieving process of my dad’s death! I do miss him so!
Over the weekend, my beloved was working on a project so I took some valuable ‘me’ time. I grabbed a book and crawled back in bed and read till I fell asleep. What a sweet treat as I rarely do that.
The room was dim with only the light from my bedside table to chase away the darkness. It was quiet with an occasional barking dog. We have one dog who barks at falling leaves or snow. She’s so silly but I do love her!
I am taking much needed time during this grieving season to visit some of those boxes and totes I have stored in the basement of my mind. Not that I really want to mind you. But rather out of sheer necessity! You see, I’ve gathered some unhealthy beliefs and thoughts and patterns along my 60 year path that I’m beginning to realize needs to go!
I’d thought to have a yard sale to get rid of those unwanted items but if I don’t need them nor want them why in the world would I try to pawn em off on someone else!!
So, no! It’s time to have a great big ole bon-fire!
It’s time to burn out the lies that the enemy has fed me all the days of my life! It’s time for newness to spring forth! It’s time for fresh energy to be released! It’s time!
I’m choosing on purpose to change my stinkin’ thinkin’ to that of healthy thoughts. I’m learning how to love me wildly!!
You can too!
I encourage you to make time to search around in those hidden places of your mind. Sort through those stored boxes and such that have collected dust and cobwebs all these years. Ask Poppa God to help you know which to keep and which to burn up!
He so longs to help you with that decision. All you need do is whisper His name and ask! He’s right there ready to help you in whatever situation you may find yourself in!
I pray blessings over you this day my friend!
Oh, we’re soon going to be doing a teaching series. I’ll post nuggets and updates here then you can jump over to our ministry YouTube channel at Broken Pieces No More Inc to learn more.
I’m also going to be doing a book giveaway soon. So stay tuned for those details.
We’d love to hear from you! You can drop a line here or email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Today where I live we’re supposed to receive snow. I enjoy a good snow. However, today it is grey and overcast. Sad looking!
I am making myself rest making no major decisions. My whole being is tired and drained.
I find myself traveling from one point to the other in our home. From organizing in my office to decluttering the kitchen and living room to putting laundry away.
I am so very thankful my beloved husband is home on vacation. It is so safe feeling having him here.
My grief is still fresh and real and palpating throughout my being.
I miss my daddy!
This next Tuesday we’ll lay him in his final resting place. I’d so hoped to have the Honor Guard attending but no, these lockdowns won’t allow that!
I’ve been reading a book pertaining to grieving for ones parent. I’m not sure if I’m on track or not. I do have several close friends I check in with who keep me on track.
Time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. I chose to repeatedly take my pain to Jesus. He understands very well!
I greatly miss our son and his family. They live 700 miles away so we wont spend Christmas together this year! Hurts my heart!
This Christmas I chose to be kind to me. My beloved and I are talking and watching movies. Right now we’re watching The Lord of the Rings movies. We’re making plans and goals for 2021 with our publishing company as well as our ministry. Plans are good.
I chose on purpose to focus on the positive.
3 Points of Positives
1. God is my Poppa; Jesus is my Lord and Holy Spirit is my Comforter
2. This is only a season. It did not come to stay. I will adjust my sails and move forward!
3. Self care is vital. Much like when an oxygen mask falls in a descending airplane, we individually must practice self care to be able to care for others.
I pray your Christmas Eve is a Happy and contended one.