#Grievinghurts : The Loss of a Daughter’s Dream Mother

 

Recently, my husband and I placed my mother under Hospice care. That was a hard decision! My mother and I have had a perilous relationship all my life. We never connected in a healthy mother-daughter relationship which has caused me to repeat many of those unhealthy learned behaviors. I’m thankful for those in my life and my relationship with Jesus for helping me see the need to create healthy behaviors and boundaries, and to quickly forgive! Nope…not always easy but necessary!

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These past weeks as I’ve watched this woman who carried me in her womb and gave birth to me deteriorate, weaken, fall many times, retreat to her childhood, shrink back in morbid fear from whatever demons may be haunting her….I’ve realized I’ve been given a precious gift. And I grabbed it with both hands.

I have traced child abuse back five generations on both sides of my family. Abuse has been a generational curse but for me, it has stopped. I’ve had to do a lot of forgiving but it’s necessary if I am to gain healing and freedom. I chose to forgive my mother which has also led me to forgive her mother and even her mother for not knowing how to bestow on each daughter, in turn, healthy nurturing a mother should be able to willingly do.

We become what we are taught in our childhood whether good or bad. When we are children it is never our fault for the bad things that happen. But when we become an adult, it is our responsibility to seek our Father’s healing through prayer, studying the Word, and seeking godly counselors with an on purpose determination to overcome the lies of the enemy to become the man or woman God designed us to be.

I found this article in Psychology Today about the wounds daughters receive when the mother-daughter relationship is unhealthy.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/tech-support/201304/daughters-unloving-mothers-7-common-wounds

We as mothers do have the ability to turn things around. It is our responsibility to gain healing for ourselves plus teach our daughters and granddaughters how wonderfully special they are! It’s time to stop the cycle of teaching them they are worthless or stupid and will never amount to anything and so much worse! Those are lies from the enemy! Search the Word of God to gain His truth of what He says about you and your children!

For the past several weeks when we’ve visited my mom we’ve been blessed with some good visits: Not all visits have been good. When she’s been alert, she has given us a very special gift! She has apologized to my beloved husband and myself for the hurts she’s caused in our life!

(There have been many wounds that have created a deep chasm down through the fabric of time that can never be changed nor the consequences for those actions. But we learn what we can to grow into a better person and make the choice to not repeat the cycle.)

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That for me is huge!! I view these conversations as a sweet gift from God to redeem the past and apply the balm of Gilead to those wounds my soul has carried for many years. And healing my mother’s soul!

I have no idea when she will pass. Doctors say it could happen today or several months from now. She has two large blood clots in her lungs. She’s beginning to eat less and falls frequently. It hurts my heart to see her having to live this way but I know God’s got it! I’m thankful for the blessings I’ve been given. Doesn’t mean it hurts less for I still have a lot of emotional pain but I’m learning to let go and give it to Him! And I am grateful for every visit I get with her especially when she’s alert and we can laugh and enjoy being together!

I’ve made her funeral plans. I know some may think that morbid but I’d rather do it now when there’s less stress than wait till the time is here when the stress will be greater. She says she’s ready to go and is leaving the arrangements up to my husband and me. It will be a sweet home-going! I plan to speak at her home-doing celebration to share the positive things about her and to share also that mental health is so very important!

When you grow up hearing such ugly words from your mother plus all the other abuses, it rips your soul especially from a mother to a daughter. But when you do receive the opportunity to hear your mother look you squarely in the eye and say, “I am sorry I hurt you!” Or, “You are so beautiful!” Or, “I’m so proud of you!” Or, “I know your books are going to help so many people!” It makes your soul gain deep inner healing and soar as it was meant to be!

 

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My momma and me

I am praying for the relationship you have with your mother, whether she’s alive or passed, whether you’re a son or daughter! It matters! I care! May God through His precious Son, Jesus Christ, touch your soul in a deep way to bring healing!

Please feel to follow us in our new group, Broken Pieces No More, on facebook.

I’d love to hear your story! You can reach me at PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42501 or brokenpiecesnomore@gmail.com

No one should ever have to walk alone with all the hurt and sorrow!

 

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Not always a Happy Father’s Day for All

Today is Fathers Day and many are celebrating with great memories of kind and loving fathers.
And that is awesome!

However, not all of us have those sweet memories to fall back on nor a healthy relationship with our father.

Sadly there are those of us who have memories of a mean, uncaring father. Experiences of an abusive father who believed it was his job to teach his child about sex. Memories of ugly words being flung at our tender young soul that still haunt and defile us….from our father.

I applaud all those who have sweet memories of their father. Personally I have no clue what a healthy father-daughter relationship would even look like!

I’m so very thankful I’ve finally reached a point of realizing how very much God longs to be my father and even my mother! He’s a good, good father!

I’m so grateful God has been so patient with me as I’m learning more and more to trust Him! He’s a kind and loving Father!

Today I also pray for those fathers who’s adult children have made the choice to not be in their fathers lives. I know how deeply it hurts fathers!

I pray for my father and continue to lift him up to the Father. I pray my father seeks forgiveness before it’s too late!

I have forgiven my dad. It certainly wasn’t easy but very necessary! And honestly there are still those days my emotions rise up causing me to wanta squish him like a wad of paper.
But I let go and trust God for His healing!

This year instead of focusing on what I never had and focusing on the devastating loss, I am choosing to focus on the positive.

There are many men in my life who demonstrate what it is like to be a healthy father including my own husband! I am choosing to see the positive.

I’m also continuing to explore this new relationship with my Abba God as my father! He will never leave me nor forsake me! And He loves me greatly cuz I’m His favorite! lol

“What will the neighbors think?”

I recently had an opportunity to visit with a friend who’d grown up not far from where I did. We hadn’t seen each other in ages nor had we visited at length as we did yesterday. I walked away from that visit both feeling validated and saddened at the same time. Validated that someone else knew the truth to my story, yet sad because no one stepped forward to rescue the little girl who was being abused.

As she and I began to talk she described what I had thought had been kept secret from the community all those long years ago. After all, grandma was often known to yell, “Now, what will the neighbors think?” I grew up believing I had to please the neighbors, (people pleasing is not good). Back then that’d put fear coursing all throughout my being, now I don’t give a flip! I refuse to give others power over me any longer. (Truthfully, I am working on this one!)

 

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While we sat there talking she began to whisper how she remembered hearing her parents and grandparents talk in a worried way about my safety and well-being. She told me that they prayed a lot for me because “they just knew bad things were happening to me”.

She even shared how her parents somehow heard about how my mother threw my belongings out the front door into the yard when she was trying her hardest to split my beloved and me apart. And she did succeed; however, God has a wonderful way of redeeming according to His plan and will! He put us back together!

Listening to her softly spoken words, almost as if she were embarrassed to share, of various things I’d been exposed to; things that had been done to me I was astounded that others in our community knew of the horror. Why hadn’t someone done something? I’ll never know.

Growing up in an abusive and dysfunctional home can cause many soul scars. Seeking healthy healing along my life’s path has brought me to a place in my life where I now know and fully understand that scripture where it talks about the ‘peace that passes all understanding’. Philippians 4:7 I’ve learned to guard my peace very closely!

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It has taken a lot of hard work but I now know the power of forgiving others. Those who set out to do me harm, who hurt my little girl’s body. Anyone who has hurt you, it is important for you to make the effort to forgive them. Oh, not for them necessarily but for you! Holding a grudge against another is like eating poison hoping the other person dies and you end up six foot under. Not smart!

Forgive, no matter what they do to you. Acts 7:59-60 NIV ‘While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.’

We all have junk we must overcome. Or we can continue to waller in it all the days of our life not being any real to others, or our self and certainly not being active in furthering the Kingdom of God. I’m on the other side of my battles and I find when I glance back wondering how I made it, how I didn’t die. But God! Now I want to share my truth and see others gain their freedom, their healing, gain their peace of mind which passes all understanding.

You too can gain your peace of mind. I’d love to share with you. Thanks for listening. Remember, you are so very valuable and important. You are beautiful and full of life. You are special and intelligent. You are all this and more. Your Heavenly Father says so and He can’t lie.

Everyone deserves peace!

How do you gain peace for yourself?

What do you do to heal?

We’d love to hear from you. Feel free to email us at brokenpiecesnomore@gmail.com or drop a letter to PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42502

I’ve just finished book 2, Secrets Exposed. It will be heading to the printers very soon.

You can follow me on my author page on facebook:

Author Pamela Richards Woodall

 

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Sometimes I Wish…

Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to pack up necessary supplies and head out deep into nature and live among the trees and the animals…drink from a cool mountain stream and listen as the trees whispered encouraging words to me.

Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to stand on the highest mountain top and scream at the top of my lungs, “Enough!”

Enough hate!

Enough hurting!

Enough sadness!

Enough pain!

Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to stand against the assault of the coming storm instead of needing to hunker down and hide.

Sometimes I wish!

Sometimes I wish I were brave enough to tell that one the pain their actions are causing others. And that it’s really as simple as saying, “I’m sorry”. Or, “I forgive you!” But they don’t for whatever reason and the pain erodes a bit deeper and a bit deeper into the soul of a loved one. And it hurts!

And sometimes I wish I were brave like you. I watch you and you seem able to conquer anything that comes your way. It seems that you are able to ride the wind of storms that hit your life and always come out on top. I don’t know how you do it and I am amazed!

Sometimes I wish I was willing to throw all caution to the wind and jump! Jump and take that needed risk. But I hesitate.

Sometimes I wish I could share with you how vulnerable I feel…how open and raw! How that there are those times …like now…I long to escape the harsh realities of life and discover a slower, a softer, a less stressful side of life.

Sometimes I wish…

Ah…but this moment is ever fleeting and soon will be nothing but a mere vapor drifting on the warm updrafts lifting high over the mountains and it will be well.

Soon spring will burst forth, flowers will open up with their glorious beauty, birds will sooth my troubled soul with their chorus and the sun will bath all it touches in its golden glow.

#rape #abortion Now #secretsnomore

Triggers: rape, abortion and child abuse

We all have secrets.

I’ve learned if those secrets aren’t told, if they’re not allowed to be released then our body and mind will become infected! It’s been proven that many of our physical issues can be traced back to our holding onto secrets.

Secrets are poison!

I recently posted 3 physical areas I fought to overcome due to many years of childhood trauma. There is a vital connection.

I’m learning the freedom of telling my #secrets though not everyone is able to do so.

That’s one reason I am a #voiceforthevoiceless because not everyone has yet found his or her voice.

And not always is it easy for me to share my secrets. When I share it makes me very vunerable; however, I know how vitally important it is to speak the truth!

#Truth brings healing and freedom and a deep compassion for others who are hurting.

But it’s not all fun and good vibes! I get hate mail through emails and message on social media but I figure that’s just a few obstacles in my path.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up this morning from a dream where I was talking out loud and weeping. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t get the dream outta my consciousness so I just got up and poured my first cup of steaming hot coffee of the day.

In the dream I was a young teenager. I was standing in the principle’s office at my high school looking at a lot of fellow students through a large glass window while holding the desk microphone talking. And I was crying.

I woke up saying, “All I ever wanted was a mom to love me and accept me just as I am!”

In the dream as I’m emotionally talking suddenly the door opens and a young teen girl with long blonde hair comes towards me saying, “You have to stop talking now! You’re causing a lot of trouble!”

(No clue the importance of hair color but it was a strong image.)

This young girl was reaching towards me trying to take the Mic away from me telling me that I had to “be quiet!”

“You’re telling too much! You’ve gotta be quiet! You’ve shared too many things!”

But somehow I knew I couldn’t be quiet any longer! I had to tell my truth!

You see not long before this event I’d been raped at the football field and ended up pregnant. My mother convinced the doctor that I needed an abortion otherwise I’d go crazy and hurt myself or the baby! So they make this plan and in a few weeks I’m no longer pregnant.

I’d tried ever so hard to protect my unborn babe. My mom knew I was pregnant before I ever told her. Yet still I desperately tried to protect my baby.

The day arrived when she drove me to another city where I was scheduled to get my abortion. I was so scared but had been taught to obey whatever my mother said no matter what!

There was severe punishment if I didn’t obey.

My name was called and I was taken to an office where a well dressed woman talked to me about the “blob of flesh” they needed to remove. Not one time did she refer to the “blob” as a baby!

I was so confused and very scared! Moments later a nurse comes in to lead me down the hallway to an exam room. She has me to undress then lay on the exam table then gives me a shot.

In a short time a man in a white coat comes in and has me to put my feet in the stirrups at the foot of the exam table. I’m not sure what he’s doing but the most excruiting pain hits my abdomen. I cry out!

He tells me, not too nicely, “Just be still. It’ll be over soon!”

The pain was horrific!

I hear a vacuum like sound then a few minutes later a number of plopping sounds like something being dropped in a bucket of liquid.

It didn’t take long. The doctor leaves the room and the nurse tells me to get dressed. As I’m leaving the room I stumble over something. I look down and there on the floor at the end of the exam table is a five gallon bucket half filled with bloody looking blobs. I almost vomit!

My baby had ended up torn apart retchedly disposed of in a bucket of other babies torn apart and murdered!

I was sixteen years old.

That baby would now be 43 years old!

It’s taken a great deal of counseling, massive amounts of prayer, many sleepless nights, drugs, alcohol and more trying to move past the deep intense pain of what I’d done.

Now I have peace…oh not because of what I did but because I know God has forgiven me! It’s taken a lot for me to learn to let it go, to forgive myself and to use the horrible thing I did to hopefully help someone else!

If you’ve had an abortion there is forgiveness! And there can be peace.

I am praying for you!

I’m here to listen to your story.

Pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

#secretsnomore brings victory

Tell me then, are you yet ready to step into #secretsnomore ?

It will require action on your part!

When you decide you’ve had enough, when you decide you deserve better you will then make a choice to change!

As long as you are tied to that secret you will walk with mental bondage!

It’s your choice!

Free mind! Free life!

Secrets poison your entire your being!

#secretsnomore is here to help you, to encourage, to listen to your secret!

You are a precious individual!

You are fearfully and wonderfully made!

You are unique!

Do you feel broken…tired…left out…undone…scared….alone…..

and much more!

You don’t have to! We are here to help!

We’d love to hear from you!

Pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

Author Pamela Richards Woodall on facebook

Yes my friend, there is indeed hope!!

How my going #secretsnomore has helped to improve 3 physical issues

I held the #secrets inside my heart, my inner being, for so many years. And in doing so I became very sick. I suffered from various forms of stomach issues and other physical junk.

1. I remember numerous doctors over my life time telling me I “have a nervous stomach”. I’ve dealt with diarrhea and constipation most of my life as well as intestinal issues.

2. I’ve fought severe headaches that have often put me to bed, lights out and everything quiet type pain.

3. I’ve dealt with chronic joint pain much of my life. Inside my body is a woman longing to escape the confines of skin and bone to go running through the forest unencumbered by any form of restraints…yes, maybe even butt naked!

No probably not literally but it would be so wonderful to walk my life’s path in total freedom. I do know I enjoy more liberty now than ever before! For that growth I am grateful!

*What physical issues have / are you dealing with because you’ve felt forced to keep the secrets?

Oh wouldn’t it be radical if we who have suffered childhood trauma learned that by releasing/telling the secrets we in fact would expedite our own healing and take back our power?!?

You can do your own research to confirm how emotional healing will in fact heal physical problems. I have and I also know from my own personal experience this is true.

#mentalhealth

#mindfulness

#lovemyself

#iamworthy

All of these are important to my well being and yours as well.

I chose to walk my healing path with Jesus leading the way for without Him I have no doubt I’d be either dead or in an insane asylum! I am so stinkin blessed!

What about you?

How are you gaining ground on your healing path?

I encourage you to take a step today towards your healing!

Why?

Because you my friend are so very worth the effort!

I’m praying for you this day!!

Have the best day you can have right where you’re at!

I’d love to hear from you!

Pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

Author Pamela Richards Woodall on face book

I keep #secretsnomore !

She sat hunched over on the tattered couch over in the corner. Maybe if she scrunched herself really hard into the soft cushions she could soon squirm down into the fabric and disappear.

Her stomach hurt from the stress and fear, groaned at the pressure of needing to talk, to share her story. Her throat was dry and she feared she’d cough which would give away that she was indeed present, here, sitting in this room, this office.

Oh she dared not look up, not to raise her head for then they surely would see the wetness that dared to leak down her face and drip silently off her quivering chin.

No! She must continue to remain strong, tough, not give in to the pleading questions asked of her! She must not allow herself to hear the compassion in the voice! She must keep her walls up for her own protection!

But she was ever weakening! She felt her resolve slipping and knew the end was near!

Gathering all her remaining energy around her she slowly lifted up her tear stained face and dates look at the old wrinkly man sitting behind the large desk.

With quivering voice she said, “Yes! That is the man who repeatedly held me down and did horrible, mean things to me!”

Then she faded away into her nothingness!

#secretsnomore

We all carry them!

We’ve been so conditioned to not tell if we know what’s good for us.

The abuser threatens us in every sorta way to make sure we are silent!

But you can tell the secret and live!

I did! I am #silentnomore because I keep #secretsnomore !

You can too!

Yes, oh my goodness gracious it’s super scary but it’s so worth it to gain your own freedom and step on your healing path!!

If you need someone to tell your secrets to I will listen.

Pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

Life is way too short to carey the burdens if others that aren’t yours to pack around!

You deserve better!

You Do Have Purpose!

In this brand new year remember to be uniquely you!

No matter what that may look like!

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Have you ever felt you weren’t enough?

Well, my friend, that was in fact a lie. A lie designed to trip you up and hopefully cause you to step off your intended path towards your purpose!

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You can do this!

You can decide #secretsnomore !!

It’s your life…it’s your decision!

Can I get a like from all those who showed up today doing the best they can do on their path of purpose!!

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Don’t let anyone tell you different!

You are amazing!

Give me a holler!

pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

#secretsnomore

 

 

 

 

#secretsnomore

Secrets! We all have them! We all are carries of the secrets. But how many of us are able to make the decision to stop doing so?

I have decided that I will have #secretsnomore !!

I carried them for many years…only to end up bruised, battered, and almost beaten down to where I could rise no more! For over half of my life I carried those dark, destructive secrets down on the inside of my soul which almost killed me. But God had other plans!

So I’m learning to heal and share my story of what I experienced and how I have overcome!

Now, today, I am a woman who is set on enjoying this life I’ve been given to the fullest! I have a wonderful husband who is also my soulmate! He is my biggest encourager and supporter!

I chose to not keep their secrets any longer!

Why should I? Most of those abusers are dead now anyway but even if not, I still refuse to keep their secrets!

What secrets have you been keeping?

In my first book, Secrets in the Hollers, I share bits and pieces in a fictional setting of what I experienced back in the hollers of Kentucky. I will soon be releasing book two, Secrets Exposed, and am hoping to have book three, which is as yet untitled, published before the end of the year.

My husband and I are also writing our story spanning over 40 years, Soul Mates: A story of Redemption!

He has been encouraging me to write My Truth: The Story behind the Secrets which will be autobiographical. Whew..that will be a challenging one for sure!

I encourage you to begin telling one secret. It starts with a small step, a determination, a knowing that you, my friend, are really worth the effort to gain the healing of your soul you deserve! You are special and you are very worthy!

I am hear to listen to your story, to tell your secrets to. No one should have to carry such a heavy burden!

What secret are you willing to share today?

You too can begin today by having #secretsnomore !

Feel free to email me at: pamelajwoodall@yahoo.com

Follow me on face book at Author Pamela Richards Woodall.

I look forward to hearing from you!

You are not alone!

 

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