Ecclesiastes 3 tells that there is a time and season for many things under Heaven. Right now this is my time of healing.
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
But how do I heal?
That I do not know!
What is healing?
This is what google tells me, the process of making or becoming sound or healthy again.
Wow…boy oh, do I need that!
And where do I even begin?
Was I ever healthy?
I’m honestly not sure!
I’ve had professionals tell me I should be in an insane asylum or dead because of the horrific amount of trauma I’ve experienced.
>Trafficked to men in the community until I was 11 years old to pay the ‘light bill‘ each month.
>Massive amounts of child abuse: physical, sexual, neglect, psychological.
>Given enemas’ over and over to ‘get the devil outta me’.
>Groomed to obey whatever ever was told to me.
And so much more.
I write about this and more in my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption.
All of my books are available on Kindle or Amazon in paperback. A portion of all book sales goes to Broken Pieces No More Inc, a nonprofit my husband, a dear friend and I formed to raise awareness of child abuse and human trafficking.
Right now with all that’s going on I am stepping back from most areas and focusing on gaining my own deep, inner healing. If I’m not healed then I won’t be of much use to others. It is imperative that I gain my own healing as I want to be instrumental in helping others who have trod a similar path as I have. #healingispossible
We all need healing for we’ve all been hurt in some manner.
What are you hoping to heal within?
It is possible!
And you are not alone, no matter how much you or the enemy tries to convince you of..it’s a lie!
Never allow anyone to deny you this unique opportunity to gain that necessary healing either.
I pray you will be able to join me on a similar journey and grab hold of the healing you deserve.
I don’t know the answer to that but I suspect they do!
At least they do for me, here, tonight as I sit at my desk staring out into the darkness just on the other side of my window.
I find myself wondering if there’s anyone out there somewhere watching me! Lordy I surely hope not! No alarms are going off so I’m safe…for now!
My beloved is still at work though he will soon be home. Oh how I dearly miss him! And I so dislike him working this second shift but we know it’s only for a season. However, I pray I can maintain for the season no matter how long. I am very grateful for him and wonderfully blessed he is my husband!
This other season….this season of anger and despair and grief that seems as if it’s suffocating my very being….I do not like this season at all!
Anger so white hot it seems as if it would sizzle my flesh right off my bones!
Anger that causes me to want to crumple up those who have hurt me into a small little ball of nothingness and throw them so very far away!
What is anger?
It is an emotion that can produce a flight or fight feeling. It can bring on fear or depression. It can make you feel as if you’re going outta your mind.
Anger is a valid emotion.
Anger can also mask underlying emotions!
You can do some research on it.
For me, I know my anger is a mask of deeper emotions.
Emotions that have been swimming to the surface of my soul for years.
Why haven’t I felt them before now?
Well, I probably have though not to this degree!
You see as I’m now safely with my beloved, I am able to begin the process of really beginning to feel that horrific rejection and woundings from my childhood. Those things happened when my mother and grandmother and others viciously abused me.
I’m grateful for the forgiving process for I do believe I have begun that long ago and will continue.
Now, I need to focus on healing the little girl within!
I need to listen to her silent screams that are erupting from my soul!
I need to give her the attention she deserves as we work together to heal all those deep, burning wounds from long ago.
I need to acknowledge that what happened to her really happened to me.
Healing sucks and is very messy but oh, so necessary if one is hoping to live a healthy life. And I do!
So I will feel it to heal it no matter what!
I lived through the hell of it all and I will live through the recovery of me, the true me, the authentic me!!
I will grieve for the lost little me!
I will heal.
I will journal.
I will go hang out in nature.
I will let myself cry.
I will talk with my counselor.
I will heal because I am worth it!
I pray you too will find whatever healing you are needing. The effort is worth it!
I am pleased and excited to announce that my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption, is now available in paperback and kindle. Any of my books may be purchased through Amazon.
This was a very hard book to write as I shared a great deal of my own personal story. And in it I share parts of my soul with you. Parts of my soul I’d never want anyone to see; yet, I truly believe that I need to share my truth in order that others may know the freedom and hope I now experience.
I shared secrets.
My book shares secrets. Deep, dark, evil ones!
Those secrets I’d been forced to keep as a child ‘or else‘.
Secrets I am finally finding my voice to speak out!
Proverbs 31:8-9 tells us to speak out for those who do not yet have their own voice with which to speak.
I am choosing to lend my voice to any one who needs it!
I speak about all forms of child abuse: neglect….my emotional and mental needs were neglected as well as often times I went hungry although we had plenty of food.
Physical abuse where I was hit either with switches until my little legs were bleeding or beaten with a belt, of course, where no bruises would show.
Verbal abuse was a constant of hearing what a horrible person I was, that I wasn’t ever wanted and how my mother so wished I’d of been a boy or never even born, called all sorts of vile named and more!
Sexual abuse has always been a part of who I am. Or rather who I was!
My mother and grandmother trafficked me out to men in the community to ‘help pay the monthly light bill’. This went on until I was eleven. It ended when I put a shotgun to my grandmother’s forehead threatening to shoot her if anyone ever touched me again!
The sexual and physical abuse stopped but the verbal/mental abuse grew even worse!
Now I have way more peace and hope than ever before in my life. I know Whose I am and I also know I’m okay!
I have gained a tremendous amount of healing for which I’m eternally thankful.
Life is so good!!
I have risen up out of the ashes more incredible than ever before.
I long to see others who are walking wounded gain their own personal healing and freedom.
This is a new and exciting time in my life. One where I am stepping out of my comfort zone doing things I’ve often dreamed about. Like speaking to anyone who’ll give a listen. Traveling and sharing my story so others can step into his or her own freedom!
This is a brand new path. I hope I’ll see you along the way.
I am available for speaking opportunities.
I have one local at a Celebrate Recovery spot at Faith. Hope. Love. Church of God in Somerset. Then I will be speaking in Winchester, Ohio at Daystar Christian Center on August 15th. And on October 9 and 10th I’ll be speaking at Lake Road Baptist Church in Morrow, Ohio.
I am available for conferences, workshops, clubs, schools, churches, organizations, etc. Wherever there is a need to help others share their secrets! I will be your voice!
What secrets have you been holding?
I’d love to hear from you.
You can let me know here or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
No one deserves to carry a burden of guilt and shame from being forced to keeping secrets!
There is freedom!!
I’m happier and more content now than I’ve ever been in my life!
Sometimes writing a particular book can be very challenging as it was with this one! Over the years whenever I’d teach or speak I rarely, if ever, shared about this traumatic event in my life.
Because it was far too personal and deeply painful.
You see, talking about the destruction of two of my babies just about ripped my heart right out of my chest. But as time marched on, as is written about in Ecclesiastes 3, I began to realize that maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there who needed to hear my story of hope. And my beloved husband was loving and encouraging me to put my story down on paper to share with the world at large. And so this book was birthed!
‘Finding Hope After Abortion: Honoring Mary Grace and James Andrew’ does just that. Published this year by Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting Company, my story is out there for all to read. And, yes, I’ve already received some hateful comments; however, I’ve also read some similar heart wrenching stories!
I wrote this book first to share God’s amazing power of forgiveness. I learned that I can and need to forgive others for all the pain that was heaped on me and, I learned that it’s just as necessary to learn to forgive myself. Forgiveness was hard! I didn’t wanta forgive anyone. In the beginning of that healing process, I believed if I forgave my mother and the doctor for the active role they both played in aborting my precious children it would excuse their actions. That was a lie.
I was a young teen girl when this happened in my life. I was deeply wounded and hurt. Carrying all that pain around for many years caused a lot of physical and emotional damage. Forgiving them actually removed the power of those memories and enabled me to heal and grow as Jesus meant for me to do. He died on the cross so I can learn the power of forgiveness.
Now, forgiving me was another story. I have done so but I simply can not forget the fact that I do not, will not ever, have two little ones who were growing safely within my womb! Today, my babies would be in their mid-forty’s.
If you or someone you know has experienced an abortion I encourage you to find hope within the written pages of this book. You do not need to suffer alone.
If desired, anyone can obtain forgiveness.
Here’s what I did: I prayed asking Jesus to ‘forgive me for my part in the destruction of my babies. Forgive me and remove all the pain forever more. Help me to learn to love myself and others as I need to so I can grow.’
It was an ongoing process for me. Still is at times but I’m growing and it’s gonna be okay.
Do you believe you have overcome the pain of an abortion?
What steps have you taken to forgive others and yourself for this act?
We have stepped into the second month of a brand new year and a brand new decade. How exciting is that! The sound of that just seems to hold many new and adventurous possibilities doesn’t it?
Yet, how many of us are making healthy choices on purpose?
How many of us are determined to face the truth of our issues?
Many times I’ve pretended I was just fine, thank ya very much! When in fact I was dying inside and was silently screaming for someone, somewhere to please find me before I go under the tide for the very last time! But “No”! I couldn’t dare tell you my truth….even though I’ve read that the ‘truth shall set you free’. (John 8:32)
Fear and shame were my constant companions!
Fear kept me from reaching out for help; for letting others know, even close friends and family that I was in desperate need of help. Fear kept my mouth shut! I’d often been told as a child when being raped, “If you tell anyone I’ll hurt your mommy like this! Do you want me to do that?” Well, of course not!!
And the shame! Oh my goodness! The black, sticky shame kept me feeling so very unworthy; so extremely dirty; so unwanted and all alone! What if I told you my dark, dirty secrets? Would you still wanta be around me? Would you still wanta be my friend? Would you help me?
And that’s just how the evil one wanted it! I’m one of those individuals that believe we either follow good or evil. There’s no in-between! So, now in looking back, I can easily see where the devil was working through those around me to keep me down, to keep the evil thoughts flowing through my mind, to entice me to make unhealthy choices! For many of my years, I did not realize nor own my truth that I had a choice: That I could say, “NO!” I did not know I could!
The first time I remember having a thought that I could say ‘no’ was during an attempted unsuccessful sexual encounter in my late teen years. I declined a guy’s advances which he did not like at all. That was the beginning of my awakening from the deep slumber that had been injected into my being many years ago of believing I had to go along with what was done to me as well what was expected of me. It took years of counseling, lots of determination to overcome the lies and false beliefs of my past, many prayers and a lot of starts and stops! I had to choose to become healthy! Because I was worth it!
Now, I believe we can all begin in this New Year, this new decade, to make a difference for those around us, for those younger than us rising up to become leaders in the tomorrows by exposing once and for all those lies connected with mental health issues, that there should not be a taboo on this subject. Of course we need balance as we decide with whom to share our stuff. But we need not feel ashamed in doing so either! Nor do we need to shame others!
I firmly believe that it is now time to pull the scab off of our mental health issues and get to the root of the problem! Various forms of abuse are often the root of addictions and other unhealthy practices but we do not have to remain stuck in that lifestyle! There is hope and help! There is freedom and healing!
How I so wish someone would have been brave enough to step into my mess with me. Healing is messy and maybe not everyone is cut out to get down in the ditch of mess and help an individual. But, maybe we need to do so! We at Broken Pieces No More, Inc firmly believe that once we begin to examine and deal with root issues we’ll begin to see a more healed society. We believe no one deserves to be abused and that’s why we exist; to help raise awareness of various forms of abuse and addictions as well as providing healthy healing options.
I now have more peace and hope than ever! I believe you can too!
You can reach us at email@example.com or Broken Pieces No More Inc on facebook. Or drop us a note at PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42502
I met a woman this week…some might say a cowinkidink but I think not for I don’t believe in those. She has haunted my thoughts daily ever since.
She and her friend were looking around and popped in my office wanting to know what Broken Pieces No More was!
So I quickly spout out my elevator speech in who we are and our purpose.
I saw a shadow flicker across her face when I mentioned we advocate awareness of various abuses…including domestic violence!
She shared she’d been out of a horribly abusive relationship for bout 5 years.
Before I could stop myself I asked her, “So what have you been doing for your healing in these 5 years?”
She stared me blankly and said, “Why, I don’t know!”
I love honesty!
I invited her to just come hang out if she wanted to, that we always welcome volunteers into our program. She was very interested!
That unexpected question has been hoovering at the peripheral edges of my thoughts every since then.
So my friend, I ask you this same question, “What are you doing to help in your own healing?”
Doesn’t matter who you are or what part of the journey you are on. Doesn’t even matter if your man or woman, boy or girl!
Each of us have been hurt in some way by some one!
And each and every one of us have an individual responsibility to heal from that hurt!
What are some healthy ways you are seeking more healing?
listen to worship music;
greatly enjoy being out in nature;
do lots of reading and check in with a few close friends to make sure I’m on the right track.
I also go for a mental health checkup on a regular basis.
#mentalhealth is just as important as any other aspect of our being!
I so wish I could convey to others how vitally important it is to heal from past wounds. If not, then that injured place will become infected and could endanger that individual to growing very ill or even death!
There is medical and scientific proof that our mental health effects every part of our being.
I know I personally have connected the dots in my own healing journey between stomach issues and my state of nervousness/anxiety with past traumatic abuse. Also my back pain with sexual abuse for many years.
As I’ve become more deeply involved in my own healing, I’m now taking back my power by acknowledging that abuse and dealing with it.
One powerful thing I’ve learned to do is to apologize to the little girl within me!
No child ever wakes up one day and declares, “I do believe today is the day I want to be yelled at, beaten, raped and more”!
It was not my fault I was abused!
And I am most certainly NOT my abuse!!
I am healed and being healed!
If it weren’t for my personal relationship with Jesus I seriously doubt I’d even be alive! But I am!
So, I ask you again, “What are you doing to bring about your own personal healing?”
I’m praying for you this day!
You can read more about my childhood in my first book in the Secret series, Secrets in the Holler.
No one deserves to be abused!
I’d be honored to share with your group, organization, church, etc my amazing journey and transformation!
There is hope for healing!
You can check out the faith based nonprofit my husband I formed on face book, Instagram and Twitter at Broken Pieces No More.
I had wondered if we’d have a white Christmas but where we live…nope! Way too warm and that’s nice too!
I have done very little for Christmas this year. It’s simply been way too hard, too stressful to do otherwise. Oh, I tried to decorate. Had big plans for doing so. Even had my wonderful husband to bring my numerous totes of decorations to the house from storage and I even pulled some things out. I do have a few snowmen sitting about the house but that’s it.
I’m not playing scrooge or anything negative. I simply do not have the emotional energy to get caught up in all the hype of the holiday. I find myself struggling…a lot…this year with the expectations of my getting into the spirit of the holiday when I just don’t have it inside.
I refuse to get in to the whole gift giving until credit cards are maxed out! That’s crazy!
Oh, don’t get me wrong! I do celebrate the birth of my Lord and Savior for without Him I know I would not be here. I’d be dead or in an insane asylum somewhere. No, I know I’m ridiculously blessed and I’m oh, so grateful for the birth of Jesus!
This year has been way more simple for me!
Not too long ago my mother passed. Six months ago if someone had told me I’d be reacting this way I’d of said they were nuts! My mother and I didn’t have a healthy relationship at all in any area! She was one of my main abusers. But God!
You see, when she’d been placed in a nursing home and Hospice took over her care, she had days where her mind was clear and we’d have time to talk and laugh and make things right. I was able to hear the sweet words from her of ‘I’m sorry’! What a joy! And I hold fast to that!
I’m grateful for learning how to forgive her and all those who hurt me! Forgiving is freedom from being a victim and stepping into being an overcomer!
I’m realizing not only am I mourning her passing; I’m also mourning what I now know I’ll never have! I’ll never have a healthy mother daughter relationship. I must allow that dream to die.
But God! He gave me a sweet gift of those few days with my mother, before she passed, of who I believe was her core being before the demons of her own abuse took over her soul. I am now able to see her through a different lens, through a different set of glasses which enables me to extend grace and mercy to her.
With my mother’s passing I’m finding myself adjusting my sails a bit differently on this sea of life. I’m evaluating and reevaluating my current relationships. I’m seeing more clearly some areas of my life that I now know I must let go of: Those familiar belief systems that were put in place when I was raised in a very dysfunctional, abusive home. Those familiar thoughts that still plague my mind; that feel like falling back into a mound of warm, cushy pillows seemingly all safe and sound. But that is a false belief!
And it’s scary to address those lies from my past, to confront their limited mortality! And it’s my choice as to whether or not I wanta address them, to send them packing and scurrying into the night. It’s my choice if I wanta live in freedom or continue to live in the small sphere of life around me when in fact, when I do choose to let those lies go, when I do choose to expose the lies to the truth, then I will gain a larger sphere. I will gain truth! And the truth will set me free!
I know it’s a process. I know it takes time, lots of hard work and reflection as well as letting go!
So this Christmas I began a new tradition by making an honorary donation in my mother’s name to Broken Pieces No More, Inc for the work they do to help raise awareness of various forms of abuse, addiction as well as providing healthy healing options.
I’m also learning more to be kind to me and not expect so much!
Healing happens! Yet healing is messy!
If there were such a thing as a perfect Christmas it would one where all four of our children and their children along with the rest of our family were together to celebrate our savior’s birth. Until then I continue to pray for healing and His love to transform us all.
I wish you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and happy holidays.
Feel free to contact BPNM at firstname.lastname@example.org or PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42502.
Have you ever sat out in the woods? I try to as often as I can for it brings my soul great relief and peace. I’ve had the wonderful opportunity of sitting there, pondering this or that, when suddenly I hear the plonk-plonk-plink-thud as an acorn has let go and falls to the waiting ground hitting first one branch then another. Or you hear a sound thinking it’s rain and turn to look behind you and your senses are flooded with the visual of a shower of falling leaves of various colors. What a sight to behold!
We all need some time to get away and recharge, renew; to examine those things that are stored up in our soul. But it seems to me in this day and age in which we live folks are so busy, yes even right here in our own little community. When I sit and people watch I am amazed at how fast everyone seems to be rushing from point A to point B. I can’t help but wonder when, if ever, do they make time to slow down and unwind, recharge, renew?
When you are repeatedly beaten, raped, abused at will by a narcissist, whether as a child or an adult it will mess with your head….massively! Fear, anxiety, depression and more will try to haunt your everyday walk! That’s why it’s so important to find a good counselor and determine to do the work in order to heal.
When you have suffered any form of trauma it rewires your brain. It takes time, healthy counseling (and no, I do not believe all counseling is healthy), for me lots and lots of prayer and hard work to overcome that trauma twisted brain. Those of us who have been affected by various forms of abuse must realize that this is our reality. However, we do not have to remain in this state of mind! We can gain necessary healing by getting to the root of the problem then dealing with it by doing the work to heal.
We must start working towards that as stated in Matthew 15:13, any thing planted within us that is not of God must be yanked up to wither and die!
God did not plant that trauma/abuse in any of us so; we therefore, must allow Him to do His mighty work within us to help us pull those roots out! Expose the lies! Reveal the secrets! Declaw the monsters!
An example from Lisa (not her real name): He called me horrible names and raped me for years until one day I looked in the bathroom mirror, believing his lies, and decided there was no point in my living any longer. My kids would be better off in a foster home. As the tub was filling with hot water, I went and took ever pill I could find. Didn’t matter to me what it was. Then I found the sharpest knife I had and stripped my clothes off and climbed into the hot water. I guess the hot water and pills knocked me out pretty quick so I didn’t get the chance to slit my wrists. My sister found me and called 911. With her help I escaped and moved into a shelter. Now I know better. Now I know I am worthy! Now I am helping others find their worth!
It takes time to rewire your brain from years of trauma. You can do it! Don’t give up! And don’t give in! You are so very worth the effort!
On Nov 8th Broken Pieces No More Inc will have a Family Fundraiser Chili Supper & Silent Auction at Rocky Hollow Athletic Club from 5:00-8:30. National Impressionist/Singer Kevin Adams will provide us with some incredible entertainment. Our board members will be on hand to share more about the vision and purpose of BPNM. There will be unique items to bid on while doing some early Christmas shopping. And great tasting food to enjoy!
You may contact us at email@example.com or follow us on face book for updates at Broken Pieces No More Inc. You can also catch us on the twitter at BPNM Inc. You can also drop us a line at PO Box 1373 Somerset, Ky 42502.
We’d so love to have you on our team. Together we can ‘Spark the Change’!