Triggers: rape, abortion and child abuse
We all have secrets.
I’ve learned if those secrets aren’t told, if they’re not allowed to be released then our body and mind will become infected! It’s been proven that many of our physical issues can be traced back to our holding onto secrets.
Secrets are poison!
I recently posted 3 physical areas I fought to overcome due to many years of childhood trauma. There is a vital connection.
I’m learning the freedom of telling my #secrets though not everyone is able to do so.
That’s one reason I am a #voiceforthevoiceless because not everyone has yet found his or her voice.
And not always is it easy for me to share my secrets. When I share it makes me very vunerable; however, I know how vitally important it is to speak the truth!
#Truth brings healing and freedom and a deep compassion for others who are hurting.
But it’s not all fun and good vibes! I get hate mail through emails and message on social media but I figure that’s just a few obstacles in my path.
I woke up this morning from a dream where I was talking out loud and weeping. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn’t get the dream outta my consciousness so I just got up and poured my first cup of steaming hot coffee of the day.
In the dream I was a young teenager. I was standing in the principle’s office at my high school looking at a lot of fellow students through a large glass window while holding the desk microphone talking. And I was crying.
I woke up saying, “All I ever wanted was a mom to love me and accept me just as I am!”
In the dream as I’m emotionally talking suddenly the door opens and a young teen girl with long blonde hair comes towards me saying, “You have to stop talking now! You’re causing a lot of trouble!”
(No clue the importance of hair color but it was a strong image.)
This young girl was reaching towards me trying to take the Mic away from me telling me that I had to “be quiet!”
“You’re telling too much! You’ve gotta be quiet! You’ve shared too many things!”
But somehow I knew I couldn’t be quiet any longer! I had to tell my truth!
You see not long before this event I’d been raped at the football field and ended up pregnant. My mother convinced the doctor that I needed an abortion otherwise I’d go crazy and hurt myself or the baby! So they make this plan and in a few weeks I’m no longer pregnant.
I’d tried ever so hard to protect my unborn babe. My mom knew I was pregnant before I ever told her. Yet still I desperately tried to protect my baby.
The day arrived when she drove me to another city where I was scheduled to get my abortion. I was so scared but had been taught to obey whatever my mother said no matter what!
There was severe punishment if I didn’t obey.
My name was called and I was taken to an office where a well dressed woman talked to me about the “blob of flesh” they needed to remove. Not one time did she refer to the “blob” as a baby!
I was so confused and very scared! Moments later a nurse comes in to lead me down the hallway to an exam room. She has me to undress then lay on the exam table then gives me a shot.
In a short time a man in a white coat comes in and has me to put my feet in the stirrups at the foot of the exam table. I’m not sure what he’s doing but the most excruiting pain hits my abdomen. I cry out!
He tells me, not too nicely, “Just be still. It’ll be over soon!”
The pain was horrific!
I hear a vacuum like sound then a few minutes later a number of plopping sounds like something being dropped in a bucket of liquid.
It didn’t take long. The doctor leaves the room and the nurse tells me to get dressed. As I’m leaving the room I stumble over something. I look down and there on the floor at the end of the exam table is a five gallon bucket half filled with bloody looking blobs. I almost vomit!
My baby had ended up torn apart retchedly disposed of in a bucket of other babies torn apart and murdered!
I was sixteen years old.
That baby would now be 43 years old!
It’s taken a great deal of counseling, massive amounts of prayer, many sleepless nights, drugs, alcohol and more trying to move past the deep intense pain of what I’d done.
Now I have peace…oh not because of what I did but because I know God has forgiven me! It’s taken a lot for me to learn to let it go, to forgive myself and to use the horrible thing I did to hopefully help someone else!
If you’ve had an abortion there is forgiveness! And there can be peace.
I am praying for you!
I’m here to listen to your story.