During this time in which we find ourselves living, I firmly believe we must be willing to step outside the box, even ourselves, in order to grab hold of new and innovative thought processes for surviving day to day with a healthy mindset. For me, that’s included a few things I’ll share here.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts from wherever you are.
I do wanta encourage you in that you are not alone! Especially if Jesus lives in your heart!
Even if the mountains were to crumble and the hills disappear, my heart of steadfast, faithful love will never leave you, and my covenant of peace with you will never be shaken,” says Yahweh, whose love and compassion will never give up on you.
It has taken me so many years to realize God’s unfailing love for me!
I grew up in an insanely dysfunctional home where love was never spoken of nor practiced. Not sure my guardians knew how or what love really was. Well, no, of course, they didn’t; otherwise, I wouldn’t have experienced such horrific child abuse! I was taught that I was worthless and no account. That was a lie!
I am very valuable! As we all are in God’s sight!
Being married to my wonderful beloved has taught me so much about unconditional love! We are neither perfect, but his love for me is a godly love and reflects Jesus in Him. I am highly blessed and healing deeply as a result!
2. Do not fear!
There are over 365 times written in His word to ‘fear not’!
I’ve had to engage my mind on this one so much, or rather, I have to retrain my brain to not focus on fear! I grew up with fear as a close friend, so close in fact that I could often feel the hot, clammy breath of fear breathing down my neck as a little girl.
For me, I have to focus on the blessings and promises of God, rather than what the media is throwing out on the airwaves of late. If I don’t keep my guard up, I can easily be freaked out by what folks are spewing forth of late. That’s not healthy!
I know in Whom I believe and it isn’t some news outlet or social media site. I occasionally listen to several news sources, for I do not believe any one of them solely anymore. It’s kinda like the ole saying, don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Don’t get all your information from one source….unless that source is the Word of God!
Sadly, I find many I meet along the way are so afraid!
And why not??
With all the fear being spewed forth daily on social media and through news outlets, it’s no wonder we’re not all running for those mountains for cover!
I have learned that fear is a perceived threat of some kind to ourselves or our family unit. When we are afraid, we react totally out of the ‘flight or fight’ mode. Adrenaline pumps through our system, causing us to make hasty decisions instead of mediating on a safe answer.
I’ve also read where some believe the opposite of fear is safety. Maybe so. I know for me when I’m afraid, I do not feel safe at all. I’m learning not to jump into the emotion of fear so quickly!
I’ll hear folks talking bout how we need to stock up on this or that because soon there won’t be any more of that item, and fear begins to quiver within my being. There is nothing wrong at all with using common sense and being prepared. I just can’t jump over into being afraid. Then I must remind myself on Whom I believe and trust.
Maybe for me the opposite of fear is trusting in the One who made the universe!
Fear is nasty and messy for me and I do not like it in my life. I appreciate the times I need that emotion for protection but I do not want to live there anymore! Life is way too short to live in fear!
I pray you are doing well and that you are able to get a handle on fear!
I sat and watched them lower your casket in the ground. I know some may think I’m morbid but for me that’s closure. I know it was only your body as you are now in Heaven with Jesus! And that reason alone causes me to rejoice!
Yet I miss you so very much!
I’ll never again hear you say, “Honey, I love you too!”
Even so, I’d never wanta bring you back to this earth with all that’s going on! You are in a much better place now!
So for this season, I will grieve and I will mourn your passing.
I will allow myself to feel all the feelings and emotions and I will grow all the better for it!
I will closely guard the precious memories of you I have!
And I will learn from this relationship and hopefully, allow my others to grow as a result.
I don’t fully understand the process of grieving, of mourning but I am learning and growing.
I don’t know the answer to that but I suspect they do!
At least they do for me, here, tonight as I sit at my desk staring out into the darkness just on the other side of my window.
I find myself wondering if there’s anyone out there somewhere watching me! Lordy I surely hope not! No alarms are going off so I’m safe…for now!
My beloved is still at work though he will soon be home. Oh how I dearly miss him! And I so dislike him working this second shift but we know it’s only for a season. However, I pray I can maintain for the season no matter how long. I am very grateful for him and wonderfully blessed he is my husband!
This other season….this season of anger and despair and grief that seems as if it’s suffocating my very being….I do not like this season at all!
Anger so white hot it seems as if it would sizzle my flesh right off my bones!
Anger that causes me to want to crumple up those who have hurt me into a small little ball of nothingness and throw them so very far away!
What is anger?
It is an emotion that can produce a flight or fight feeling. It can bring on fear or depression. It can make you feel as if you’re going outta your mind.
Anger is a valid emotion.
Anger can also mask underlying emotions!
You can do some research on it.
For me, I know my anger is a mask of deeper emotions.
Emotions that have been swimming to the surface of my soul for years.
Why haven’t I felt them before now?
Well, I probably have though not to this degree!
You see as I’m now safely with my beloved, I am able to begin the process of really beginning to feel that horrific rejection and woundings from my childhood. Those things happened when my mother and grandmother and others viciously abused me.
I’m grateful for the forgiving process for I do believe I have begun that long ago and will continue.
Now, I need to focus on healing the little girl within!
I need to listen to her silent screams that are erupting from my soul!
I need to give her the attention she deserves as we work together to heal all those deep, burning wounds from long ago.
I need to acknowledge that what happened to her really happened to me.
Healing sucks and is very messy but oh, so necessary if one is hoping to live a healthy life. And I do!
So I will feel it to heal it no matter what!
I lived through the hell of it all and I will live through the recovery of me, the true me, the authentic me!!
I will grieve for the lost little me!
I will heal.
I will journal.
I will go hang out in nature.
I will let myself cry.
I will talk with my counselor.
I will heal because I am worth it!
I pray you too will find whatever healing you are needing. The effort is worth it!
My mom passed in September 2019 and my daddy died in December 2020.
My sweet mother in law, who is more of a momma to me, is in her end of life phase. Of course we never know when that final day will be..yet…we must grieve!
I have had to acknowledge I am not in a good place right now! I know it’s a part of life but still…I don’t like being here. Nevertheless, here I am and there I shall go and in the going I will gain healing and His peace!
I’ve realized over the past few weeks as we are preparing for the home going of my mother in law, I haven’t really allowed myself to grieve the loss of both my parents. Wow…the onslaught of emotions is huge!
How do you deal with grief?
My old way, which was to pretty much avoid the subject all together, hasn’t worked out too good yet!
Matter of fact, I will be seeing a grief counselor beginning next week for a season.
I encourage anyone in need to see professional help with any mental health issue.
Given the day we now live in with fear being spewed forth on all fronts, we are on overload! We hear fear based noise all day long…if we have the medium going. I chose to turn mine off!!
You do have that choice! Although many would like us to think we don’t!
Yes we do!
Yes you do!
Yes I do!
I want to make healthy choices for my life! As I’m walking through this season of grief I must make sure to destress often or I’ll be on grief overload which is not good for anyone!
Hanging out in nature helps me with destressing a lot!
Writing in my journal helps too. I dump feelings, emotions, thoughts no matter what. It helps me to get ’em all out so hopefully I’ll not pick ’em up again. Sometimes I do though then need to do the dumping all over again! Practice!
I encourage you to be active in processing your grief or even fear! Both can play havoc with our being. Make sure to take time for you because you are so worth it!
I am pleased and excited to announce that my latest book, House Full of Secrets: Human Trafficking and Redemption, is now available in paperback and kindle. Any of my books may be purchased through Amazon.
This was a very hard book to write as I shared a great deal of my own personal story. And in it I share parts of my soul with you. Parts of my soul I’d never want anyone to see; yet, I truly believe that I need to share my truth in order that others may know the freedom and hope I now experience.
I shared secrets.
My book shares secrets. Deep, dark, evil ones!
Those secrets I’d been forced to keep as a child ‘or else‘.
Secrets I am finally finding my voice to speak out!
Proverbs 31:8-9 tells us to speak out for those who do not yet have their own voice with which to speak.
I am choosing to lend my voice to any one who needs it!
I speak about all forms of child abuse: neglect….my emotional and mental needs were neglected as well as often times I went hungry although we had plenty of food.
Physical abuse where I was hit either with switches until my little legs were bleeding or beaten with a belt, of course, where no bruises would show.
Verbal abuse was a constant of hearing what a horrible person I was, that I wasn’t ever wanted and how my mother so wished I’d of been a boy or never even born, called all sorts of vile named and more!
Sexual abuse has always been a part of who I am. Or rather who I was!
My mother and grandmother trafficked me out to men in the community to ‘help pay the monthly light bill’. This went on until I was eleven. It ended when I put a shotgun to my grandmother’s forehead threatening to shoot her if anyone ever touched me again!
The sexual and physical abuse stopped but the verbal/mental abuse grew even worse!
Now I have way more peace and hope than ever before in my life. I know Whose I am and I also know I’m okay!
I have gained a tremendous amount of healing for which I’m eternally thankful.
Life is so good!!
I have risen up out of the ashes more incredible than ever before.
I long to see others who are walking wounded gain their own personal healing and freedom.
This is a new and exciting time in my life. One where I am stepping out of my comfort zone doing things I’ve often dreamed about. Like speaking to anyone who’ll give a listen. Traveling and sharing my story so others can step into his or her own freedom!
This is a brand new path. I hope I’ll see you along the way.
I am available for speaking opportunities.
I have one local at a Celebrate Recovery spot at Faith. Hope. Love. Church of God in Somerset. Then I will be speaking in Winchester, Ohio at Daystar Christian Center on August 15th. And on October 9 and 10th I’ll be speaking at Lake Road Baptist Church in Morrow, Ohio.
I am available for conferences, workshops, clubs, schools, churches, organizations, etc. Wherever there is a need to help others share their secrets! I will be your voice!
What secrets have you been holding?
I’d love to hear from you.
You can let me know here or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
No one deserves to carry a burden of guilt and shame from being forced to keeping secrets!
There is freedom!!
I’m happier and more content now than I’ve ever been in my life!
Often when I’m in a serious house cleaning mood I’ll throw on some ole time rock n roll.
Bob Seger hit the floor this morning while I’ve been attackin’ the house. Soon I find myself getting unusually emotional. Humm….’well, that’s strange, I thought!
During a short break, I begin to examine these emotions which are accompanied with free flowing tears.
I’ve listened to an hour or more of great music yet, here I sit…weeping, pondering my teenage years.
Then it hits me like a ton of bricks!!
I am sitting here mourning those years when I was a teenage girl!
Oh, they were not all bad. Actually, I had a lot of good memories!
But the bad, oh they were really bad!
I needed something to numb the ever searing pain inside my soul. So, I’d been introduced to huffing lighter fluid by a girlfriend when I was nine years old. That lead to smoking pot at 13 then I found the brown bottle at 15! Wow…that really helped!
Mom worked for a guy cleaning his house. He was a single dad. Good looking and kept a well stocked bar. Somehow it evolved to the point of my having his permission to enjoy anything on the bar I wanted. My mother never said a word against that!
I recall she’d often tell me, “Oh I’d rather you sow your wild oats now than later!”
Where was the parental protection!
Oh, that right! There was none!
I had been raped at 15. She and the doctor felt it was in my best interest to have an abortion.
She’d borrowed the money from someone then drove me to the office to take care of it.
I don’t make the connection until many years later.
I often go with her when she’d clean house, especially after finding out I could partake of all that liquor! I soon become aware of this man. He’d give me lingering hugs which I enjoyed.
I hadn’t grown up with a dad so at first I’m thinking that he’s just taking a fatherly interest in me. After all, he does have a young daughter!
But then the hugs turn into him stroking my arm or pulling me into his lap at various times.
I remember one specific time. He was resting in his leather recliner in the living room and I happened to walk by him. He reached out and yanked me down in his lap. For whatever reason it was just the two of us. I don’t remember why we were alone. He lifted my chin and kissed me.
Now in my head, I’m freaking!
Why’d he do that?
While sitting on his lap I become very aware of his intentions by the physical response in his jeans.
That was the first time we end up in bed. A sick abusive relationship that lasted several years. I was barely 16 and he was 34!!!
I thought it was love! It was abuse!!
Months later I worked up enough courage to ask him why me.
He said, “I knew you’d had an abortion and didn’t want you to be turned off by sex. Besides, I knew you weren’t a virgin any longer. Plus your mom owned me money for your procedure!”
I was devastated!
Also, during my teen years I was sexually active. Actually, I don’t remember a time in my life where that wasn’t a frequent act. I always thought I was born to give men and women sexual pleasure! Or at least, that’s what I was taught!
So, here I am today…..weeping listening to some really good music. When it begins to dawn on me, oh wow…I’m mourning the loss of my teen years. I allow the emotions to flow!
I am mourning the loss of two years in a sick, twisted relationship I should have never been put in!
Wow…bless my little girl’s heart!
But I survived!
Was it easy!? No way!!
Do I still struggle?
I wonder what kinda free spirit I’d of been back then?
I recently released my first non-fiction, Finding Hope After Abortion. In it I offer hope and healing for anyone who’s experienced one. No judgement. Just hope!
What that man and my mom did to me was horrible wrong!
My mom died in 2019. Before passing, she did apologize to me for all the bad things she’d done to me. That helped the healing process.
However, today I am remembering that young teen girl. She was a fighter! She was a survivor! She was determined!
And today, I am all those: a fighter, a survivor and ever so determined!
My book is available on Amazon or you can reach out to Oak Tree Publishing and Consulting company at email@example.com for more information.
This isn’t an easy subject to talk about. Neither is any form of abuse. However, we need to be talking about it. We need to be talking about how to heal from any of it, all of it!
Today, I am learning to be me!
No, not the ‘me’ others tried to force me to become! The real authentic me!
Today where I live we’re supposed to receive snow. I enjoy a good snow. However, today it is grey and overcast. Sad looking!
I am making myself rest making no major decisions. My whole being is tired and drained.
I find myself traveling from one point to the other in our home. From organizing in my office to decluttering the kitchen and living room to putting laundry away.
I am so very thankful my beloved husband is home on vacation. It is so safe feeling having him here.
My grief is still fresh and real and palpating throughout my being.
I miss my daddy!
This next Tuesday we’ll lay him in his final resting place. I’d so hoped to have the Honor Guard attending but no, these lockdowns won’t allow that!
I’ve been reading a book pertaining to grieving for ones parent. I’m not sure if I’m on track or not. I do have several close friends I check in with who keep me on track.
Time. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. I chose to repeatedly take my pain to Jesus. He understands very well!
I greatly miss our son and his family. They live 700 miles away so we wont spend Christmas together this year! Hurts my heart!
This Christmas I chose to be kind to me. My beloved and I are talking and watching movies. Right now we’re watching The Lord of the Rings movies. We’re making plans and goals for 2021 with our publishing company as well as our ministry. Plans are good.
I chose on purpose to focus on the positive.
3 Points of Positives
1. God is my Poppa; Jesus is my Lord and Holy Spirit is my Comforter
2. This is only a season. It did not come to stay. I will adjust my sails and move forward!
3. Self care is vital. Much like when an oxygen mask falls in a descending airplane, we individually must practice self care to be able to care for others.
I pray your Christmas Eve is a Happy and contended one.
If one were to contemplate on the memory very long, I suppose I could surmise that I grew up poor. Although, at the time, I don’t believe I knew we were. As a kid, I think you accept what’s going on around you as normal. At least, I think that’s what I did. Even so, that acceptance doesn’t mean it is normal!
I remember why, during the wintertime, my mom, grandma, and I were sitting around the big black Warm Morning stove in the middle of the living room floor. There were those times at night when mom would get the stove so hot the pipe would glow red. When that’d happen, she’d get me up and rush outside because she was afraid she’d set the house on fire. She never did, though.
I remember that they kept a can of some sorts on that stove with water in it. Said it kept moisture in the house to help us not get sick. I can remember laying on the couch behind the ole stove many nights listening to the comforting sound of that water heating up in that old can. I also reflect on the nights when it was bone-chilling cold, which is when I’d sleep on the couch in the living room, but other nights I slept in my bed under a pile of hand made quilts that my grandma has sewn with her own hands. We didn’t own a fancy machine to do such!
There wasn’t any television to keep us entertained, either. Nor did we own some sort of gaming system or laptop or other electronic devices. No, I grew up learning how to entertain myself with my many books where reading took me on far away adventures. Or I’d sit on the floor and play with my paper dolls. Then later own I begin to acquire Barbie dolls. Or I’d play with my cars and trucks on the rose-covered linoleum floor.
We raised a huge garden that I had to help weed. The produce that grew out of that garden fed us year-round. During the summer we’d eat fresh corn, green beans, tomatoes, peas and more. There’d be days on end when mom and grandma were in the kitchen canning first this one vegetable than another during the fall. It was always very comforting to go into the pantry area, a long built-in set of shelves in one of the bedrooms, seeing row after row of jars filled with summer goodness.
We also had chicken, which produced eggs and then, later on, would end up in the frying pan at some point. And we used those feathers when plucked from the dead chicken to make stuffing for our bed pillows. Nothing much was wasted.
I remember we also raised goats, which provided fresh milk morning and night. Mom went to do the milking early morning before she got dressed for work, then later on in the day, she’d go back to the goat barn and milk again. I grew up on goats’ milk which was really delicious! They also killed the goats for the meat, which was then canned to preserve it longer.
And I remember how neighbors helped neighbors back then. Many a time, I’d go with grandma to a neighbor woman’s house while mom worked during the day. Those old ladies would gather around a large quilting frame, needles threaded and flying to the rhythm of their sharing tales of old. I’d often play underneath the safety of the material spilled over the sides of the frame with my baby dolls.
During the summer, grandma would make me go blackberry picking. I hated doing that cuz it was often a hot, sweaty mess. Plus, I always ended up sticking my fingers on the briars when reaching for a juicy berry. That was also the time of year that the ‘Jarflies’ or Cicadas were singing. Boy oh, there were some years it sounded like a million of ‘em were a singin’ with such a loud noise. My dog, Old King, was ever by my side, which was always a great comfort.
My point in sharing all these memories is how we made do with what we had and how we survived. I genuinely find myself wondering more and more how folks of this day will survive if we continue to hurl ourselves down this destructive path.
Are we headed to socialism?
I don’t know.
I do know that it’s not looking so good right now. But I also know my God is still in control!
And that greatly concerns me.
Who’s going to protect the precious children?
Right now, in Kentucky, our governor has enacted many restrictions. I can’t even begin to know what he’s dealing with daily or the amount of backlash he experiences for the decisions he makes. The Bible tells me to pray for my leaders, and I do. It doesn’t say a thing bout my liking nor agreeing with the decisions they may make.
Last night I had to decide, along with my board, that left me in tears!
We have a faith-based nonprofit, Broken Pieces No More Inc. We raise awareness of child abuse, domestic violence, and human trafficking. It bothers me greatly that we are not where I thought we’d be. I had so hoped we’d have gained more momentum in our family programs, outreach, and awareness events. Sadly, that is not the case due to the government lockdowns!
We’d planned for mid-December, an outdoor even to offer our community a safe and fun place to hang out for a few hours singing Christmas songs, and where the kiddos were able to make their very own ornament. We’d had lots of cookies and cocoa donated. It looked to be an enjoyable memory-making evening. We’ve recently had to cancel several other events we’d planned due to lockdowns. It’s heartbreaking!
We’d started 2020 with numerous awareness events lined up throughout the year. Raising awareness of child abuse is one of our primary purposes. Someone needs to talk about the elephant in the room, and that might as well be us.
Many years ago, a little girl I knew thought if she slipped her coat and boots on then went outside to scrape the snow off the yard; she could go back to school. You see, the school had been closed because of a significant snowfall. Day after day, the little girl went outside and, with her tiny boot-covered feet, tried ever so hard to scrap the snow from the yard, hoping to see green grass underneath as a sign school would finally open.
No one thought to tell the little girl that the school was closed due to the snowfall. No one thought to tell the little girl how much fun she could have outside playing in the snow then later when coming in, having a mug of hot chocolate. No one thought to tell the little girl how special it was to be out of school on a snow day. Nor would it have made any difference to the little girl.
You see, this little girl never knew when the ‘red-hot’ pain would find her and freeze her in place.
This little girl never knew when the good grandma would switch to the mean grandma who did all sorts of vile things to the little girl.
This little girl never knew which days she might be allowed to eat and which days she wouldn’t.
This little girl never knew when the strange men would show up and drag her off to her bedroom, leaving her tiny clothes in a heap on the floor then do horrible things to her.
This little girl never knew when any bad things might happen while she was still at home.
But she did know that she felt safe and loved and cared for when she was at school. Thank goodness for safe schools, right?
I was that little girl, and I can tell you, the school was my safe place. My guardians, who should have loved and protected me, were, in fact, my abusers. I suffered violent child abuse, all forms, you think of it, and I probably experienced it! The school was my safe place! That truth is why it breaks my heart that we are enforcing lockdowns and severe restrictions.
I just don’t understand!
Who cares about the truth?
Do our leaders not realize the ramifications that will hit us as a society soon?
Has anyone sat down to brainstorm how to avoid a head-on collision that will result in our destroying our younger generation?
Can we not see what this action is doing to our children?
Does anyone even care anymore?
Currently, Kentucky is ranked #1 in the entire nation for substantiated child abuse cases. We see this number rise even higher due to the lockdowns! We can’t climb any higher than being #1! But our cases can increase daily, which I believe they are, and the negative impact of that abuse will be devastating to our already tired and weary citizens!
Call to action…
I want to know who’s brave enough to tell little Johnny or Suzie that once again they will be staying home with their abuser!
I want to know who’s going to ‘man up’ or woman up as the case may be, to tell our precious children that their feelings do not matter!
I want to know who will demand and insist that our leaders change somehow to put our children first!
I want to know who is willing to stand with me in insisting change take place!
Is there anyone willing to take a stand against this inhumanity??
Will you please stand with us?
Your action of donating your time or funds will help:
Enable us to develop programs for our family, both kids and adults, to learn healthy choices
Assist in monthly financial obligations
Join forces with us as we create unique public awareness events
Because ‘It shouldn’t have to hurt to live in a family!’
You can find us on facebook on either our page or group under Broken Pieces No More Inc
And if you feel inclined, we do accept donations. We are a faith-based nonprofit, and need your help to help our children!
Feel free to reach out to us with any ideas on how we can come together for our children, for our next generation. Our Poppa God loves our children so very much, just as He loves us. Let’s not squander or destroy that precious gift from Him!
If you would like to share your story, please drop us an email or send us a letter. We’d love to hear from you.
Our address is: BPNM PO Box 1373 Somerset, KY 42502
Many blessings to you as you walk towards a new 2021!